A
female
age
51-59,
*litterKnickers
writes:I met this great guy 2 years ago in a "club" not a good start i know! Got on great that night (he told me he'd just come out of a marriage) and we exchanged numbers. he texted me the next day to say he thought i was really nice but he wasnt ready to get into a relationship just yet, it was too soon and could we stay friends. that was fine by me as nothing had happened anyway. He then texted me few weeks later, flirting etc and we arranged to meet at the same place. Again we got on great...to cut a long story short we eventually slept together and i would go to his place occasionaly and the more we met more i liked him. He met someone and we stopped meeting but he kept flirting with me on text etc etc. They split up and we started up all over again (sex). But he never says he wants be with me. ive fallen for him big time but i dont want to tell him how i feel about him in case i dont see him again(selfish i know). I think hes met someone and need to find out so i can try to move on. How can i ask him if he has? How can i tell him i love him? I cant eat, cant sleep, my job is suffering and I know he can make it all better by telling me he wants to be with me. Please help.. we are both in our late 30's
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male
reader, Marco262  +, writes (26 June 2008):
There are a few things that could be happening on his end. I'll list the different possibilities here:
1) He's enjoying the booty calls he's getting with you. He sees your friendship as one that can always include casual sex, and flirts with you because it's fun (hey, just like the sex!). He doesn't feel anything romantic towards you but really appreciates your friendship and the benefits that come with it.
2) For some reason, he's having trouble confronting his feelings for you. Perhaps the way you met automatically excluded you from "relationship material" in his eyes, or you're a type that he's convinced he can't ever be with long-term. This is similar to #1, except different in a few important ways. This would mean his flirting is him acting out on these emotions that he doesn't quite grasp completely, and it would also mean that simply helping make him aware of his feelings could open the floodgates, so to speak. At your age, though, this is the least likely of the possibilities...
3) He knows that he couldn't establish anything long term with you, even though he feels a deep attachment to you. He doesn't want to tell you because he doesn't have a good reason for why/the reason is hurtful. Again, he loves spending time with you, and is thus keeping the casual relationship going.
4) He feels the same way you do, and he's perhaps waiting for you to make the first move.
Most of the time, I'd suggest you just go with the flow and see where this goes. But because the uncertainty is hurting you in very real ways, it's time to take action.
The thing that ties all these possibilities together is that they are things that can be talked through. Keep being friends with him and keep meeting up for sex because that seems to be working, but next time you're in a private, mellow moment, bring up your thoughts on this.
Be honest with him, but you don't have to tell him everything. Emphasize that you're not expecting anything to change because of this, but you need to know how he feels and why he's doing what he's doing. Don't feel discouraged if you don't get any clear answers; he may not be sure what's going on either, as possibility #2 shows. But if he knows that you feel this could go farther, that will greatly reduce the stress on you in the future, and make any future moves he might plan for easier for him.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (26 June 2008):
Oh dear, so he thinks you are his happy little sex-friend and you are in love with him.
I think if he wanted to be with you then he would have done something about it by now and certainly wouldn't have been seeing other people.
Don't wait for him to reject you by finding someone. Hold you head high and reject him. You make a decision that it has to stop.
Invite him out for a coffee (or something none alcholic) somewhere and just explain that you want a boyfriend so you need to stop seeing him. His reaction will probably be "ok then well good luck and I'll see you round." In which case you just have to smile and walk away.
Good Luck!! xx
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