A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 3 years and together for 6. I love my husband but we have had our issues in the past I cheated on him 6 months into our relationship by kissing another man he also touched my breasts. Nothing else happened and all contact with this man was cut and I came clean to my husband as soon as it happened. 5 and half years later and 5 month old baby later my husband keeps on going on about how I cheated and he feels cheated because he never got a chance to fool around with anyone else. I have not cheated in 5 and half years and plus I was only 18 years old when this happened. I suggested as a joke he should sleep with someone else and get even but he took it seriously and now wants to sleep with someone else as a "one off" to get even. My head is all over the place 1. I never had sexual intercourse with anyone else 2.This was 5 and half years ago 3. We have been married for 3 years 4. We now have a child... I just don't understand what should I do?
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (17 December 2013):
 I don't think this is about revenge as he would have even the score ages ago. I suspect he has a crush/interest in someone specific and using your past lapse in judgement as an excuse.
He may not be serious about anyone but he definitely is considering being unfaithful with your blessings. You need to take a stand. Tell him sleeping with someone other than you is not an option and spells the end for yourll.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (17 December 2013):
 male anonymous -
no body particularly said people don't ever have desires or thoughts. but most people are mature enough to recognize that what they are thinking and feeling is inappropriate, unhealthy, and flat out unfair. and they actively choose to keep those thoughts to themselves because they are grown adults who can recognize the immaturity in their thought processes, and drop it.
people think crazy things sometimes. people may even visulize harming someone else over jealousy. but those with a sound mind and moral reasoning recognize that their thoughts are clearly way out of line for a sane and rational person. so they don't act on it.
in this case, this man is asking to ACT OUT on his irrtional thoughts. he's not just thinking them anymore. and i'm sorry, but that's what it is - irrational. and it's completely inappropriate. and not only that, but if you can't let something go after six years, there is a big problem.
i wouldn't say the right word is demonizing. because i don't believe anyone is demonizing him. however, everyone is just calling him out for some very immature reasoning skills. he's out of line for what he's asking for. period. if he wants to think about it, fine. but the moment he crosses the barrier from thinking about it to wanting to act on it, he becomes completely in the wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): "If that urge means he is immature and vindictive and does not love his spouse then there are very few "good" spouses on the planet."
People aren't blind when they're in a relationship. Of course people will be attracted to others. However, if the urge means voicing entitlement to sleep with other women as a form of payback then, yes, it is immature and rather vindictive (if he really believes it is a proper way of paperback - here I think he's just using it as an excuse to be unfaithful).
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 December 2013):
 Personally he's way OUT OF LINE... he forgive you nearly 6 years ago and married you...
if this is NEW behavior then I'm sorry to say this but there is probably someone who has caught his eye and he's wanting a hall pass to sleep with her. NOT ON MY WATCH I would say.
Personally if he's hounding you for this you could do better to be alone with your child and move on with your life rather than live with his trying to guilt you into giving him permission to have at someone else.
AND if you do it once he will assume you would forgive him again.
Do you have family and friends nearby? IF you do consider a "trial" separation. And let me explain why:
1. he's NOT going to stop dogging at you for his chance to have sex with someone else until he runs the risk of losing everything.
2. losing you and your child even temporarily may bring him to his senses
3. if it does not to be honest you are going to be better off without him because he will NEVER stop bringing it up.
so I would call mom or a good friend and say "I need to come stay with you for a bit but I'm not sure how long" and then after the first of the year I would pack my bags and my child's bag and I would tell him:
"son and I are leaving you. IF you decide to 'sow your wild oats' while I am gone I will assume that you really do not want to work on this marriage and our life together and that son and I are not important to you"
then get in the car put child in car seat and LEAVE.
he will probably beg you not to leave and then you can say "well if we are to work this out, what is done is done and not to be brought up again." AND I would demand he goes to short term couples counseling if you are staying together or mediation to work out the divorce (which trust me if he doesn't stop dogging you for a chance to have permission to cheat will happen) THEN LEAVE.
even if you agree to work it out you should LEAVE for at least 48 hours... let him get a taste of life without you and child there 24/7......
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): Some of you agony aunts must live in a different world than i do. Where I come from its human nature to want to sleep with people other than your spouse at one time or another. People don't stay faithful to their partner for 40 years because they never get the urge, they stay faithful for 40 years because they control themselves.
The O.P.'s husband has no right to go out and sleep with someone else. Not over just a kiss and grope. However I think the other aunts are wrong to demonize him for wanting to do it. Get real, a wedding ring does not magically remove all desires for anyone else. If that urge means he is immature and vindictive and does not love his spouse then there are very few "good" spouses on the planet.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): To do the male anonymous, a wife's kiss does not belong to her husband. A husband's kiss does not belong to his wife. "Belong" is a poor word choice - it indicates possession and entitlement. A man is never entitled to have sex with his wife and likewise.
But as everyone else said, this sort of revenge will hurt the relationship. Your husband has a very immature mentality to think this way. He must be using this as an excuse to cheat.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): This may not be a popular opinion. But IMO if your BF only wanted to kiss or make out with another girl then I think he is entitled to that. Forgiveness means letting go of the fact that the person did you wrong. IMO it does not mean allowing them to keep the spoils of it and never give back something they took. You stole a kiss that belonged to your husband and gave it to someone else. I don't think its stealing for your husband to give away a kiss that was yours. I think its just a fair consequence for what you did. Wanting to get even (especially for something as minor as a kiss and grope) is not a healthy thing for a relationship. But its not healthy for one partner to permanently bottle up the feeling that they have been wronged, either. Somebody has to compromise somewhere.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): If kissing another person constitutes cheating then most of the world would be headed to divorce court.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): I have nothing to add to what the others have said, he is completely in the wrong here.
I will say though getting even would be having a kiss and having that lady touch his chest not sex.
OP he doesn't get to throw the fact that you cheated back in your face any time he feels like it. In fact the very act of him suggesting that is enough to give you good reason to reconsider being with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): There is no tit for tat to be had here. The guy wants to have sex outside the marriage; and using an old slip-up for leverage. So he has one cheater-coupon he saved up for a rainy day; and he's ready to cash it in?All this turns out, according to how you handled it. What he is telling you, is that you were never forgiven. You were given a temporary reprieve; until the opportunity arouse that he should be able to do the same, and give you what he perceives to be your just punishment.My dear, he has been cashing in that coupon long before now. He's just tired of hiding the fact. He's got something up his sleeve, and it ain't pretty. You can't let someone hold something over your head forever. You end it.You made a mistake. Okay, you get a taste of karma. You never did it again. You came clean from the start, and it was the act of a foolish young high school girl. Not during your marriage.It seems consistent that relationships reach benchmarks when all the insanity hits. The 2-3 year mark, 5-7 year mark, and the 10-15 year mark. Then the following seems to occur:The sex dies out, someone within the relationship transforms into a Mr./Ms. Hyde, no one speaks the same language, or somebody has an affair. You are in a dilemma easily remedied. Offer your husband a divorce; so he can have all the vengeful sex he wants.The other option is to suggest that he never bring up that incident again, and raise your child in a two-parent household. Restrict him to either option and no further compromise on the issue.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (15 December 2013):
Hmm let me take a guess...you have a 5-month old, so hubby is feeling neglected because you probably don't pay much attention to him anymore so now he want to justify an affair because you kissed someone 5.5 years ago. You know this sounds ridiculous, right?
I'd tell him if he wants his "revenge" then go for it. You'll be packing his things and leaving them at the front door while he's out getting his revenge.
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (15 December 2013):
 I think you should just say... "Errr... no."
I agree with everyone else. Revenge in any form is unnecessary and does more damage than good. You were honest at the start, he can't hold it against you after so long.
I can't believe that he wants to 'legitimise' cheating... Because AS IF you would be ok with it. I think he's attention seeking because he's unhappy for one reason or another... Tell him in no uncertain terms that cheating for any reason is unacceptable if he wants to remain in a relationship with you... I know with a child that is easier said than done, but you need to be firm.
Just talk it through with him and try to understand why on earth he's suddenly gone funny about this now.
Best of luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): I wonder if your husband really believes that you didn't sleep with the other guy.
No disrespect, but I have hardly ever known women to admit the whole truth about their cheating voluntarily. Even when clearing their conscience they have a habit of "sparing their partner" from the whole truth. If I was your BF then I would completely assume you did more than you really admitted, thats just been my life experience.
I don't think getting married is even relevant to the situation. People say things like its pledging your commitment to each other. As if it would have been perfectly okay to cheat before then? If you showed up to Dearcupid saying, "My boyfriend cheated on me and says its no big deal because we aren't married yet!" I don't think anyone would be taking it lightly.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 December 2013):
 Does he want to blow up your marriage? Revenge sex is not justified and is never justified. If he can't get past what you did, he needs to end the marriage.
Also, tell him that you didn't cheat IN the marriage. If you've been married for 3 years, that means you kissed someone else before you were married.
This isn't about revenge anyways. He's wanting to simply cheat. You never cheated on him as your husband, and he made the decision to continue and marry you.
Ask him whether or not he wants to start a spiral of continuous cheating, or just end the marriage, or he can man up and get his mind back into the marriage and family, because he's about to make the mistake of his life.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (15 December 2013):
Ummmm .. you're husband is coming up with excuses to legitimize adultery. Sorry, but in the world of healthy relationships and love, one doesn't hold grudges over someone's head for nearly six years and then use it as an excuse to get laid by someone else. Excuse my languages, but he's full of shit.
First of all, if he wasn't capable of forgiving you, he never should have stayed with you and married you.
Second of all, if he believes two wrongs make a right, he's got a LOT of growing up to do.
I think he's just looking for an excuse to sleep with another woman and make you feel like it's your fault.
You know this is shit, OP. The answer is hell no. Don't you even think for a second about allowing this nonsense. What you did was wrong, not discounting that. But it was when you were young and the relationship first began and were NOT married. Now you're married. he had YEARS to figure out if he could let it go or not. He had years to tell you if he could forgive you and years not to marry you.
It's bullshit, OP. Tell him he's acting like an idiot. And if ye really wants to sleep with another woman, he may as well pack all of his stuff and take it over to her house, as well and get cozy. Cause he sure isn't returning home to you after.
To even the score. Bitch, please.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (15 December 2013):
 where I come from they say "turn about is fair play" so I guess you need to let him go about his way and experiment himself into an early divorce. Because this appears to be where this little game is headed. You can unring a bell and since he can't seem to forgive and forget I guess it's up to you to light the way forward with whatever path you ae able to live with. Good Luck, but remember it's only sex.
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A
female
reader, Lieutenant +, writes (15 December 2013):
He's using the fact that you cheated as an excuse. If he loves you, he would not want to have sex with someone else to "get even". Heck he wouldn't even was to "get even". Either he really doesn't love you or he is an immature jerk.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 December 2013):
 A marriage means that a person gets over the past and starts with a clean slate, that's ideally. He suppressed his feelings and married you hoping that things would straighten itself out. After 3 years of marriage he feels that he didn't get a good bargain out of life. He has a family to take care of, which means less time for fun and rest. He would be too guilty to leave the family because the baby is so young. All he could do is look back and wished he didn't marry you. To feel he's not losing in this game he wants your permission to cheat.
To be exactly fair he could kiss a woman and touch her breasts that's it but he took advantage of your joke and meant it literally.
You can't control what he does but tell him you wouldn't be able to continue this marriage if he does decide to sleep with someone else. Even if you become a good wife and mother some men don't forgive and the issues would go on forever.
It was a bad joke but this is not something to joke over. He had struggled with this and by joking you were taking his feelings lightly. If he really did sleep with another woman it shows his bad judgment and also the end of your marriage. By getting even it doesn't guarantee that he would get over what happened at age 18. You would be stuck with a bitter man who mourns over the loss of an opportunity of a chaste woman who never lets any man touch her. He has to be willing to forgive. If you told him it was only a joke he would lose respect for you. You can't back out on what you said.
I know you are asking for an answer, either yes let him do it or no, otherwise divorce. Or the third one work it out. All I could say is it doesn't look good and it's likely he won't ever get over it. I can only make a decision if I were in that situation myself.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 December 2013):
I think you need do discuss whether or not he actually wants to be married or not. He sounds very immature, to be honest. What you did was wrong, but when he decided to stay with you, he took on a commitment to work with you and forgive you. He shouldn't have married or had a child with you if he felt that way. You have every right to be very angry at this. You need to sit down with him again, and either suggest counselling so you can both work through what has happened, or he needs to decide whether he still wants to be married.
He made a commitment to stay, to forgive, to marry and to have a child with you. He has no right whatsoever to now be bringing this up, and talk about cheating in revenge. That is not the sign of a good husband or father.
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