A
female
age
51-59,
*isaerin
writes:Help! I slept with my ex-husband. My ex-husband and I divorced two years ago when he left me for a girl 10 yrs younger who worked for him. After what sounds like a very volitile relationship for the last two years, they broke up and he forced her to move out. We have two children together (little girls.) The whole thing hurt me so badly b/c I loved him deeply. For two years, I forced myself to move on and even date on occasion. I never allowed myself to become physical with anyone else (my ex knew this b/c in a discussion I told him.) I just don't think I was completely over him.(We were married for 10 years and together for 12) He started calling me during their break-up, and I listened to him pour out his problems with her. He called one night and wanted to come over and I allowed him to. We did sleep together that night and one other. He knows that I still love him, but has not been calling anymore.When I questioned the fact that he was distancing himself, he said he never wanted to make me feel uncomfortable. He says he is so thankful for our friendship after two years of bitterness(it was a bad divorce.) I kind of feel like he just used me for sex...although he could have probably gotten it elsewhere else. Its tearing me up inside..any input???Maybe he just wanted to see if I would. We still talk occasionally, but I mentioned to him that I could not see him anymore like that b/c it makes it too hard for me to continue to move on. Any ideas as to what happened b/t us? I wish I had not done it, but it was so good to be with him again! He tells me that I am beautiful and sweet and that I will find someone special one day, and that it will be okay with him for me to move on. I was doing really good for two years, and in just a couple of nights together, I am right back where I was during the divorce....hurting inside and consumed by thoughts of him... Please help!
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female
reader, YummyMummy  +, writes (30 July 2007):
 I'm sure there is nothing wrong with you at all hun. He was looking for something else in his partner and he found it in this other girl. If they are both violent then they do both deserve each other.
Being alone is hard. Try having the tv on for background noise or the radio. Have a friend or your mum over for a few hours. And there's always the dreaded housework.
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A
female
reader, lisaerin +, writes (30 July 2007):
lisaerin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust sitting here alone (he has the kids this weekend). Not good to be alone....to much time to think and dwell on things, although I am trying hard not to. Wondering if it will work out with the two of them...he told me she jumped out of the car once when it was still moving and that she throws and breaks things...she called when they broke up and told me that he put his hands on her neck and choked her. Maybe they are two peas in a pod. Anyways, I will try and focus on something else. I just wonder what was wrong with our relationship sometimes. We didn't fight that way. We told each other "I love you." everyday. I cooked and cleaned, but maybe I was too boring. Any thoughts???
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A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (28 July 2007):
Good for you for telling him exactly how he has made you feel hunni. I'm glad you sound a little more positive about moving forward.
It is probably for the best that you don't tell her about you two sleeping together. As you said it might make you look desperate, and also who says she will believe you. It could open up a very big and very nasty can of worms that'll just cause you and your kids pain.
Go on the date and try to enjoy it. If the guy isn't what you are looking for or you realise you aren't ready to date then instead of going on a "date" next time- go out with friends instead :)
Good luck babe!
Thanks for keeping us informed!
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A
female
reader, lisaerin +, writes (28 July 2007):
lisaerin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, he told me the other day that he is getting back together with the girlfriend. I was in shock after everything he told me about their terrible fighting and the fact that he does not trust her and she does not trust him. He told me our friendship is important to him, and doesn't want that to change. I told him that I felt like I had been used by him. I also told him that with everything he has told me about her temper and the fighting that it better never happen in front of the children or I would take legal action. He said that they would not be fighting like that anymore.(LOL) Anyways, I informed him also that I would never be able to be around her or be his friend as long as he was with her...she's done too much to hurt me(I just can't get passed it) He was upset about it, but when he picked up the girls today, she was with him....he was very cool and aloof with me. I know he is afraid that I will tell her that we slept together(and I considered it) But after rethinking it and cooling down, I decided it really wouldn't accomplish anything and only make me look desparate like her. From now on, I'm only going to move forward...no more being the shoulder to cry on when they have I fight (and I believe there will be more even though he says they have worked it all out) I actually have a date tomorrow night; I'm trying hard to be excited about it, but my heart feels just like it did two years ago when I first found out about "Tiffany" Aren't they always named something like that? LOL!!!
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A
female
reader, lisaerin +, writes (23 July 2007):
lisaerin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are so sweet; I really appreciate that!!! He has pretty much stopped all contact with me and so I have too..which only makes me feel more used, but I will hold my head high and move on from this. Maybe it happened for a reason to make me see that he is not going to change and is not the man for me....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007): Hi there..can't resist the temptation not to reply to your request for help. First of all, please sincerely accept my simpathy in what you've gone through. For any woman, it will be a very devastating moment. And I've admired your honesty in being 'true' to yourself by admitting how much you still in love with your husband after two years of a painful divorce. I've completely understand you, from what you've written it was very clear to me that it was him that betrayed your love and trust while you completely trusted and loved him. Its just normal to find yourself still in love with him after so long being divorced. It is your true feeling, please do not feel embarrased about it. However, I do believe that a man who has betrayed you in any manner and ways will continue to do so until he finds positive ways to 'communicate' his own issues in life. This is my opinion, but I sincerely believe that you do not want your children to 'note' what he did to you as an acceptable issue. Maybe will be better to remember his negative act to help you stop 'wanting him for more'. You deserve a healthy, and positive man to help you raise those children. They deserve it! In the mean time, maybe its also very good to practice yoga, or be apart of a good church in your neighborhood or getting into a new challenging career to start the process of forgiving yourself for the things that you've regretted doing. Good luck to you. From one who cares.
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A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (17 July 2007):
The anger will fade babe. We all have moments of weakness. Don't be too hard on yourself though. Just remember what you are going through right now incase he tries it again.
I would of been offended by that question aswell. All you need to do is move on and be happy and not beat yourself up over a moment of weakness. He made the mistakes not you.
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A
female
reader, lisaerin +, writes (17 July 2007):
lisaerin is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your input. He really isn't even talking to me anymore. I know he is going through a lot and needs his space. His ex girlfriend is desperately trying to get him back, but he says he now realizes she was just after him for his money and lifestyle. She was 13 yrs younger than him. His friends and family cannot stand her and they hate what she did to our family (although I know it took both of them.) Although he is not an all around bad guy, he seems to think of himself mostly. Even when he was with me, he asked me "How did you get through it?" To me a 10 year marriage which produced two beautiful children and 12 years of memories isn't even comparable to a two year relationship which began in adultery. I was a little offended at that question. I don't know if he will ever really understand the magnitude of his choices and how many lives it hurt and affected (she was also married w/ a young child) So now here I am angry w/ him for ever calling me and involving me in the first place and angry w/ myself for allowing it and giving in to weakness. Please keep your comments coming....they really help!Lisaerin
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2007): You are very smart to end all contact with him. He's made it clear to you that what you shared is just a 'friendship'. Leave it at that and move on. He is still the father of your children, you will and should try to have a detached, friendly relationship for their sake. Make sure he gets his visits with them and is paying you child support. Now onto your problem. Your ex-husband was fully aware that you loved him and he led you to believe that he needed you. You made the common error of living on blind hope of a reconciliation and expecting more. So yes, him having sex with you knowing full well, he was not going to take it any further was a pretty low thing for him to do. He should've practised some mature, adult restraint. But he had an itch and I am sorry..he gave no 2nd thought to having you accomodate him. However, let's not forget what your options were. It's one thing to offer emotional, caring support to a person we love-but it's another to make the clear, conscience choice to sleep with him. You always need to think rationally when it comes to affairs of the heart. If you don't, you get into big trouble and you get heartbroken. You discern and focus on truth and the harsh reality. You allowed 'only' feelings to get the better of you and you went ahead and had sex with him. That was an act, you alone should take responsibility for. So did he use you? No, you used each other. He wanted sex and he got it. You wanted love from him and you thought having sex might get you that love, in return. You both had your own self-involved agendas. I am sorry for your pain. But you need to be strong and do the work of of completely detaching from this man..he is never to be trusted again, hun. If this continues to be difficult for, consider seeking the aid of a family counselor who specializes in helping women, deal with the painful aftermath/emotional troubles, of what happens to women who still love a man, who dumped her and ran off with someone else. Truely, I am sad for what's happened to you. Learn from this and get out and live a happy, awesome life, on your own. It's when you do that, you will find a true joy again. But not with the ex. It will be with someone who respects, honors and cherishes you. The ex hubby is a thing of the past...get on with the future.
Good Luck, Hun and take care of yourself and those wonderful little girls of yours.
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A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (16 July 2007):
I kinda agree with flower_girl. This guy doesn't sound like he used you purely for sex. After the break up with the girlfriend and your bitter divorce he probably wanted to feel a closeness with someone again. He then woke up and realised that it isn't fair to continue just having sex knowing you are still trying to move on.
We all make mistakes and sleep with people and then regret it later. Don't be too hard on yourself about it though because you still care for this guy and he is the father of your kids. Just try not to go there again to save more pain.
I think you both need to talk about what you both want. Is there a chance for a relationship between you or not. If not then you both need to move on with your lives, and be there for your kids.
It is hard when we tumble back down and have to start the whole moving on process again, but I am sure you will find the strength this time better then last time as you have done it before.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2007): Thanks for your reply...it helps to hear other's perspectives. I am trying to keep on moving on! We have become good friends after two years of not talking, and the kids seem happy about that. He calls every week or so just to see what's going on, and its just nice to talk to him. Thanks again for your input!! Now I just have to try to keep things in perspective, but its so hard!! Ex's are supposed to hate each other, and I still love him deeply!!
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (16 July 2007):
 I don't think he used you for sex, it sounds more a case of he knew you would be there for him when he was going through the breakup with his girlfriend, and emotions just got carried away.
When he then stopped and thought about it afterwards he realised what happened should not have and decided to distance himself to stop the same thing happening again.
We all regret doing it afterwards, but like you said it felt good to be back with him and believe me i know where you are coming from on that one.
You have done well over the last two years so you have to remember that and pick yourself right back up again and move on from this.
Take care.xx.
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