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female
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anonymous
writes: I am really bad with guys. If they are nice with me and I feel although they like me, I'm happy at first, then I get bored and cheat on them!!Or if they don't seem too bothered about me I get really insecure and ask them questions all the time like 'do you honestly like me?' which drives them away!I know I'm good-looking, but after I've been with someone a while I think that they will think I'm ugly or a horrible person. I'm so scared of getting hurt. I think I'm just really insecure. My dad had 2 affairs and left my mum. Am I the same? Always thinking the grass is greener on the other side?I'm scared I'll never be able to be happy and have a happy marriage. I am only 17 so maybe it's cos I'm young??Plzzzzz help guys. Thank you!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (25 May 2006):
 In spite of your looks, you're afraid you're unworthy of affection, so you cheat on guys who like you to "prove" what a bad person you are and fulfil your own perception that you're (in your own words) "horrible" and "ugly". You're so frightened that you're going to get hurt that you drive off guys before they can leave you.
That's the same reason you need constant reassurance from the guys who don't seem too fussed. You feel unattractive and unloveable so you have to keep asking, because you don't believe they really want you.
So, yes, it seems to me that you're really insecure and you need to work on your self-esteem. But at least you're aware of what you're doing, which puts you ahead of thousands of people who go through this same problem without realising they're doing it.
Now, I'm not qualified to do anything other than respond to a request for suggestions, so here goes.
First: you need to find ways to feel better about yourself. Why do you think you're ugly and horrible? Have you always felt this way about yourself, or is this recent? Can you recognise that you're not really an awful person, that it's just a mind-trap that you've fallen into?
Can you think of any thing that YOU can do on your own, that makes you feel like a worthwhile person inside? (Let's leave off about being attractive, because it's the person under your skin that's important.)
My best suggestion here is to find some ways to help other people. It's a surefire way to learn to like yourself better and for other people to like you. If you collect canned food for the elderly, or get a group together to adopt-a-roadside, or donate blood, or work for Greenpeace, clean out boxes at the animal shelter, or spend time helping to get someone elected, or any of a thousand volunteer options, you'll feel a lot kinder to yourself, I can promise.
Spend a little quiet time making a list for yourself of things you can do that will make you feel less "horrible". Maybe it's a simple as doing yoga, going for a run, or having a massage once a week.
As far as the relationships are concerned, I think you should refrain from being with anyone until you're happy with yourself. Otherwise, all you do is spread your own hurt to others.
Eventually, you need to face your fears and think through your worst-case "being dumped" scenario to its logical end, so the fear doesn't have the same power over you. Is it possible that you've absorbed some of your mum's pain, when your dad cheated and left her? Do you think that's what happens in relationships?
So, be brutal with yourself and ask, then answer some questions.
What if you get dumped? Well, you'd be sad. Then you'd slowly get over it, because you didn't get dumped because you're "horrible"; it would have been because your personalities clashed, or one of you was more serious than the other, or because one of you lost interest in the other, or you stopped having common interests, or you don't live nearby any more, or on and on and on.
The end of a relationship isn't the end of the world. I think you're too afraid of that. So take things less seriously and don't be afraid of what *might* happen.
Live it, and see.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): Hi.
You say you are worried about getting hurt, but yet you are hurting everyone else. I think the question you have to ask yourself is do you think it's a race to hurt them before they're able to hurt you? Relationships take work. You can't just sit around waiting for everything to fall into your lap, as it doesnt work that way.
Think about how your mum felt after your dad had two affairs and left. That's what you are doing to people, and it ain't very nice, in fact it's shameful. I think that you need to address your low self esteem and confidence issues before you are able to have a happy and stable relationship.
Good luck.
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