A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hey, I'm 26 and I've been with my boyfriend for 12 months.Basically I keep beating myself up about my past and don't know why, It's happened before and I've felt the need to tell him things about my past which has caused arguments (obvs) but more recently We have been on holiday to my best friends wedding (2 weeks) and i'd never told anyone but when I was 13 My best friends stepdad kissed me he was in his 20's, (I didnt stop him) at the time I forgot about it, but because he has been on the hol too I started to feel guilty and that I should tell my boyfriend, as he was getting on with him. I made the decision not too and just carried on as normal, I've spoken to 2 people about it since and they both said I was just a kid and it's not necessary to tell him as it was a long time ago and things are different now, plus I didn't want him to think bad of the stepdad as he's obvs grown up too, I don't know if it's just about addressing it and moving on and talking to my friends about it or what??Jut wondered what you guys thought xx (p.s, plus I couldn't tell my best friend as it's her stepdad!)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2011): Ah i got you, thanks yeah i see what you mean now
xx
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (23 August 2011):
 Hi, I was perhaps tired when I wrote this. But I thought of adding a PS because of the quote from your message :
"I've felt the need to tell him things about my past which has caused arguments "
And I thought, if the tendency to come out with things that might have been better left unsaid, then perhaps I could also suggest ways to keep the focus on the others and so give you a chance to let other reveal more above themselves, instead of you, and this time I quote from the question title. "revealing too much information"
Sorry if my PS was miscontrued.
Abella
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2011): I'm not sure that this relates to me Abella?
xx
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 August 2011):
hi
One way not to be a run away motor mouth is to develop very superior listening skills.
Really weigh up all they are saying. Quietly reflect on everything they are saying. Let there be silence. don't feel you have to be 'interesting'
And ask them something that keeps them talking, eg 'so you arrived at Turin at midnight to find you luggage had been sent to the wrong hotel and the hotel
had put you in the Ivy room and you hate green so what did you do next?
So you keep them talking about themselves. And what they like.
Plus don't forget genuine compliments, 'oh you are wearing shocking pink, I love that color. So what do you think of that new building just opened in XzY square painted that color?'
You don't have to be a mouse. And you are not. But people who are good at conversation usually have things they do that genuinely make the other person feel special. But the interest must be genuine, not false and not shallow flirting
Hope that helps a little?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wondered what anyone else might do in tis situation?Thanks xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey
Thank you that really makes sense to me! I think I struggled because I had to face him after a very long time of hardly seeing him (the stepdad) It seems he's forgotten and moved on and so should I,(it was only a kiss) I have spoken to 2 close friends so I know I have someone if I struggle.
I just don't think my boyfriend would appreciate knowing that especially as it was 13 years ago, I have to let go I guess and as you say some things are best kept Private. I know this thought will fade in time, I Have ben stressed and had a few issues in the past and I have learned that things are best left unsaid especially if no on is getting hurt.
Thanks so much! very wise words Abella.
I appreciate any more help from you or others xxx
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 August 2011):
I think it would be useful for you to explore with a counsellor why you feel the need to open up about things where it may not be the approriate time or place to reveal such things.
Just because something jumps into our head does not mean it has to be blurted out. All people can have many things at different levels and invovling many different things and memories. Some are private and should remain private. Some we might beat ourselves up about them, though should not always do do.
And there can be something we would tell the Police, or an Attorney. There are things we would discuss with our Bank. Other people can feel very uncomfortable if particularly sensitive matters are revealed and it is important to be able to learn to know who you can trust with those things. And who you should not trust with very very private issues.
We are always reminded to never be Judgemental.
But for ourselves there is another issue - Judgement. At all times in our lives we need to exercise Good Judgement.
Good Judgement is:
knowing when to call and ambulance and when not to.
when and who to raise a sensitive matter very diplomatically
When to say nothing
Who to say what to
who not to say some things to.
This skill of Judgement will come in time. You never get in trouble (usually) for what you do not say. But you can get into a lot of trouble with what you do say.
Once uttered it is said.
So before you start blurting something out, reflect, think, and say if I reveal this , then would I feel comfortable if this was splashed on the evening news tonight in every country in the world, complete with my name, address, phone number and my picture? And is it truthful and not gossip or something that is not verifiable.
If the issue does not pass that test above then think again before you reveal something that you may regret later.
we look at older people who seem very wise. And we wonder how they got that way. They probably learned the hard way, several times, what to say, when and where and to whom. And the oppositie too of What NOT to say, when where and to whom. Sometimes the only way to learn such wisdom is the hard way.
Good luck with your quest to learn these tough lessons.
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