A
female
age
41-50,
*lisandoval922
writes:Ok, so I've been with my husband for 10 years; we've always had our problems like every other couple. But the last two years have been hell. Both for myself and my children. Well i've told my husband that I'm through with this relationship and am ready to leave; he's said he is willing to change go to therapy, AA (he likes to drink, a lot), or anything so that we won't leave and that he loves and cares for us very much; that we are his world. I've heard this from him multiple times before so I have my doubts when he tells me these things. I am so confused; it hurts me very much because I know he will be very hurt if we leave, my kids will be very hurt, and I feel like I'm being pulled in a 100 different directions with no easy solution. Also, he tells me and tries to sweet talk me most of the time; but his unbarable side always seems to come out eventually; and he ends up accusing me of cheating or not loving him anymore and so on. I would appreciate any advice that you can offer on my current situation...Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, LauraE  +, writes (27 July 2007):
You threaten to leave, he promises to seek help, you stay, he doesn’t keep his promise. Round and round on the merry-go-round. This obviously isn’t going to work as it is because he is just saying those things to get you to stay. If you want to give it one more try for the sake of your kids, you need to find out if he really will make an effort if he knows you mean it. You make the appointments for therapy. Then make sure he keeps them if they are AA, and take him with you if it’s couples counselling. In fact, I think both kinds of therapy would be a good idea. Make it clear this is his one last chance. If he messes up you will be leaving no matter what promises he makes. If you give this your best shot, and he still fails you, then maybe it’s time to leave for good, because you owe it to your kids.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (27 July 2007):
 It sounds like your husband does not like himself. You don't say if he actually went to therapy or not. If he hasn't, try first. It sounds like he hurts inside.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2007): i think your husband knows that once you have backed down after he sweet talks you, he knows you will again. you have given him the green light to keep on doing that to you and to also carry on drinking. he drinks, you row, he sweet talks, and you back down... ends up a repetitive circle and as no action has been taken from either of you it will keep on happening i'm afraid.
i was with a drinker and always backed down when he said he would try to stop. he also wasnt very pleasant when he was drinking. he was the nicest man when sober, but thats not a full deal is it. i split with him after 3years of our repetitive circle because by that time i believed if i meant that much to him as he claimed then he would have quit the drinking.
being the nicest man sober isnt a full package so my advice would be, get tough. talk to him and tell him that unless he seeks help immediately and sticks with it then you will leave for you and your childrens sake and no amount of sweet talking will change your mind. you have to raise your children so that they dont think this is a normal way of family life and so that they themselves dont end up with drinking problems or partners with drinking problems. you cant let yourself and your children watch him drink himself to death.
sometimes you HAVE to leave in order for them to realise and to know they have to get help. just make sure you tell him you love him and want your marriage to work but not until the he seeks help and sticks with a program. its gonna hurt, but your hurting already and if you end up with this not resolved its going to hurt for alot longer.
if he does take action, its going to be tough, and he may seem worse before he gets better and you need to be prepared for that. get yourself some support as well be it friends, family, support group as you will need that for you and your kids.
good luck chik and take care of you.
xx
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A
female
reader, LISAXXXG +, writes (27 July 2007):
 maybe both of you could go to some relationship councling if you think that it is worth it 10 years together is a long time try to support him in any way possible with his drinking and let him know you are there if he needs to talk on the other hand make sure you get to tell him how you are feeling honesty is always best and once you are both honest with each other you may start to undertand each other better he seems like he does love you and the kids very much but there is some underlining problem that he needs to sort out because he is taking it out on you he should go get therapy to try and come to some conclusion as to why he is acting this way but i think its best you go together so you can both see and hear how the other is feeling
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