A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I can't stop thinking about how my husband had sex with his ex...I am in much pain when I see my husband's kids because of the flashback that I have seeing him with his ex in bed making these kids! Horrible thought, but it's true. We've married for 4 years now with one girl and one due next year. Up til now I never have issues with his kids, we always got along fine. Because of my caring nature, I took these kids as my own. I felt sorry for them. But now that their mother gives us much problems those nurturing feelings of mine changed. I saw their home videos once, and I saw the life they have as a family. My husband never got along with his ex and they were never in love. They actually hated each other with a passion! But after seeing their videos, it begins to haunt my life. I saw them kissing, holding their babies in the hospital. Enjoying each other at home with family and friends, and it hurts me so. I know it's the past, but if there were no past then there will be no present. Although it's his past, but it's my present for I have to face his kids and deal with knowing he still talks to his ex now until the day I die (if we stay together that long). I just can't get over this obstacle. I know the kids other half is made up of their mother and that bothers me. I know I can't change that nature but I also can't change my hurtful nature about them either. Because now that I know how babies are made, it is even harder to accept the fact. What should I do to not be driven crazy???
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female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (11 December 2007):
 Here is what I think. I think that you have always believed that your husband and his ex hated each other, never loved each other and were just miserable the whole time they were together. You are very happy together, that makes your relationship infinately better than his previous one. You did not need to feel jealous of his old relationship, because who would be jealous of something so awful? You are the great love his life hands down. You felt secure and loved. You loved the kids because they were an extension of him.
Now comes the problem. If you think logically you know that two people do not get married and create multiple children if they hate each other. There must have been love, or at least caring, at some point in their relationship! They were not miserable ALL the time, there must have been some times that they were happy together and loving toward each other. Now you have seen the home videos and the evidence that this is true is right in your face and you dont really want to believe it. It is much more confortable believing that there was only misery than believing that he could once been happy with someone other than you. You worry that if was happy with her once, but it faded, could it fade with you as well? You worry that maybe when things were good with her they were better than things are with you now. You want to be number one. You want to be the one he loves best, the great and only love of his life. And now you are worried that maybe you arent. This makes you jealous and insecure and causes you to push away his children through no fault of their own.
You ARE the great love of his life. He is with you now and he loves you. He doesnt love her now, even if he once did. You are the one who is important to him. You and your children. Your love for each other is greater than what he had before because yours WILL last till the day you die. You cannot change the past, but you can change the future. Try to open your heart back up to these children. They did not choose their parentage and none of this is their fault. They need all the love they can get.
Good luck!!
~dee
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (11 December 2007):
 I do not know enough about the health service in Canada so I cannot make any specific recommendation. However, this is a good website to start. Have a look at the pages to give you a better idea.
http://therapytoronto.ca/
Richard
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (11 December 2007):
Hi - Sorry to hear you're feeling like this. These thoughts are obviously affecting you quite badly because of your changed feelings towards his children. You also seem to be wondering how much longer you can endure things as they are.
Because this is affecting you at quite a deep level, and because it seems like an impossible emotion for you to deal with even though you have tried, I think you now need another person to help you return your feelings to where you want them. Your husband won't be able to do this because he is part of the picture. A close friend who is skillful might be able to help, but it will take a very long time and she will have to be very patient. A trained therapist will be able to help you sort out these thoughts and feelings quite quickly. The therapist will also not know any of the people you talk of either, which is much better. Some of these feelings are coming from a very deep fear way down in your unconscious and the therapist will have previous experience in helping you remove the fear and other concerns.
I am guessing your husband is a bit older than you. If you need his help in arranging a trained therapist for you, tell him that you know what you need, you don't need to discuss it with him in detail, you just know that you need a trained therapist. Tell him he has to trust your judgement on this one. Be firm and clear. This is your way of sorting out this problem once and for all. Tell him he will benefit from this, as well as you.
Meanwhile, while you wait, try to remember that it is in the past. He is with you now. You have been married for four years already. You already have one child together. And you have another child on the way. A brother or sister for your daughter?
I am sure everything will start to feel much better once you know you will have someone experienced to help you deal with your thoughts and emotions.
Take care
Richard
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 December 2007):
 I think you should follow the anonymous poster's excellent advice. I fully agree with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): Your just worried that she might take him from you. They share something you and him can't have and you share something with him she never had...don't stress he's with you now and because you saw him happy with her at one point in there life it bothers you a lot. I've been through it and its hard its a mind thing. Mental picture you see over and over in your head. Just relax and you have him and she doesn't......
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A
female
reader, hit-the-road,jack... +, writes (10 December 2007):
i hate my boyfriends ex with a passion, although i love his little baby boy.
i think (i worked this out after a LOT of thinking) that the reason i get worried, jealous etc of his ex is that i see all the love going towards his little boy going i nthe same direction of his ex.
i have dreams that they're getting married, or i'll have dreams where i'm having an argument with her and im saying "He's not with you! he's with me!" and shes saying "yeah, thats what YOU think..."
similar to you, he didnt get on with his ex whils tthey were going out - he only stayed with her for the sake of their baby, and says he couldnt stand her.
but what you were saying about til the day you die, well yeah.
you and me both, we've got to accept that that person will always be in our partners life, because they're the mother of his kids. and thats the way we should want it to be as well, because its the way thats best for the kids, if they ahve both parents in their lives.
i feel exactly the way you do i think.
i HATE it when i hear them chatting on the phone and stuff.
its just a problem we've got to overcome before it gets between us and our other halves, yeah?
i wish you strength and i hope we both get this sorted.
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