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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I keep getting dumped by guys for less attractive girls, what's wrong with me?Dear all,I don't want to sound presumptous but I'm a very pretty 29 y.o. (I used to model when I was in high school), I've got 3 degrees (law, biology and an MBA), I speak five languages fluently and I've got a high paid job. I make friends easily (both male and female) and I'm a good person, but I seem unable to keep a guy.My friends say they don't understand it since I seem perfect on paper. Fair enough, I'm a bit picky but when I'm with a guy I totally devote myself to him. My last 3 boyfriends have dumped me for 20-22 year olds, they're not better looking and they're way less interesting than myself. I'm still friends with one of my ex but he was very vague when I recently asked why he dumped me (very out of the blue as well!). What am I doing wrong? Am I a threatening figure?
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male
reader, sebcr  +, writes (14 July 2010):
Well let me tell you something as a guy.English is the third language I learnt and I have a high-paying job thanks to my second degree.But do you think I bring that up when I'm with a girl? No way! I mean, if they ask I tell them but here's the problem: All the "smart" girls I've dated spend 80% of their time trying to """impress""" me with their degrees, how much they've traveled, etc, etc. Listen... I'm trying to date you, not hire you.I love smart girls but I hate it when they expect us (men) to give them standing ovations every single day. And you call men losers...
A
female
reader, MAIDinHeaven +, writes (12 October 2009):
Hunny, I have the answer. I used to be just like you, high achiever, serious at the workplace, pulled my own weight, intelligent, articulate, funny, witty, the works. Everything I would want in a man, I pretty much had it. And because I wanted to be an equal with the man I was with, I immediately assumed that I had to let him know how successful i was.
Wrong.
You see, us women, even if we didn't work a day in our lives, we would still be priceless, precious to men (unless they're gold diggers;) Somehow along the way someone said we needed to work to prove our worth.
The key to this whole thing is this:
1) You don't have to be perfect.(took me years to figure that out!)
2) In fact, BE imperfect (i.e, vulnerable) here and then.
3) Let him know you're daddy's little girl (if you are) and you enjoyed being cared for and treated wonderfully.
4) Let him pay for dates and let him know you're pleased, by holding him, smiling, thanking him. the fact that he pleases you, pleases him.
5) Let him know you're looking for someone who is looking too, and it's best to let you know sooner than later. (you'd have to shield your heart for this one, if it's a response you were not expecting, don't worry, we'll be here for you:) Be honest with your feelings. Let him know you would be a friend even if he met someone else, but that you do not want to be led on.
6) When he gets jealous or hurt, you be a woman and ease it away. Move closer, kiss him, apologise, explain, soothe it all away with your gift of femininity. Just because he pulls away doesn't mean you have to! Reassure him lovingly.
7) Hit the bars/clubs less and do more things like sports, traveling, writing, painting, new hobbies you can discover! If a man is looking for a serious relationship, your frequenting bars and clubs can be really unnerving because he's a man, he knows what men want at places like that.(which is true!)
8) Share your struggles, your burdens, your disappointments if the topic arises. Don't shove it under the carpet because you think he may think you're wreck. In fact he probably won't. Knowing your credentials, he'll feel really relieved that you're human. And then let him either have a chance to share as well, or he'll probably want to hug your bad memories away.
10) Remember, men used to be little boys too, just like how we used to be little girls. They too have crushed hopes, disappointments, small victories, childhood memories, and a favorite cartoon they used to watch over and over. None of us are superhuman, we're all vulnerable, need emotional support at one point or another, and some of us are terrified to death because of it! :D
Hope this helped!
Maid in Heaven
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2008): look at yourself without the degree,s diploma,s high paid job and the pretty face, ask yourself 'what is the true essence of me' remember back to when you where a child what made you,happy,laugh,comfortable,and bring that innocent uncomplicated essence to your world.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2006): Rhythmandblues, I think that is a good answer. That was what I was trying to get at as well, but you definitely made it very clear. 8]
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2006): To ask the question, what are you doing wrong, what is wrong with you, are you threatening to men is not really the right question to ask.
The question to ask is what do you mean when you totally devote yourself to men? Are you working hard at making them love you instead of asking yourself if your man is doing the things and making the right moves to be worth your love? Do you always criticize and nag and correct his behavior instead of asking for what you want and need and demading his respect just like you do at your job?
Are you choosing men who are elusive because you like the challenge? Are you afraid of intimacy and push them away by not opening up and being there for them....
You have to be your authentic self or the man who is waiting for you won't recognize you, but if you get in a relationship that is not working, the only mistake you may be making is staying in it too long and trying to make it work when the guy does not have his heart in it, and this mostly has to do with him not just you.
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (17 December 2006):
 You are not short on self esteem, and this is in no way a bad thing. But I do think you may come across as a bit full on, yep, even as intimidating!! Maybe you are just picking the wrong ones......
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2006): after reading your question i think you have a high opinion of yourself and that may put many off i know it does with me if im with a man i hate that also u go on about your looks and how your getting dumped for less attractive women being your age u should know that looks are not everything nor what you have accomplished in life its the person you are your personality
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2006): Ms. Anon, we may have a position for you at our firm. You being pretty may help establish a 'relationship' with our overseas clients/partners, as most of them are Asian male executives and male senior management. Unfortunately, I think our offer starting salary would only be around $150k Cdn which comes out to be about $130k US per year. The position would most likely be CFO or something similar, and you'll need to know about the mobile industry as one of the prereq's.
Anyway, to simplify rhythmandblues comments, basically, you seem like a good asset to a corporation of sorts. You know 5 languages which may help a company deal with some foreign institutions. You have 3 degrees which 2 of them might benefit a CA firm or a high tech company or possibly a trading or construction company. You already have a high paying job which may look good on your resume, AND you're gorgeous. Like I said, excellent for networking with the guys overseas.
So what else do you have? Any staying power for the men you want to date and have a long term relationship with?
You see, I also have a female friend who has a super high paying job, great figure, awesome looks, very sexy, very feminine, and very charming and witty, etc, etc, she has 3 degrees and a whole load of certifications, travelled around the world and has a huge work history behind her, but she's gone through heart break after heart break. She devotes all her free time to them, and dated men that made less than she did all the way to presidents of large corporates, some doctors, some artists, etc, etc, but in the end, they all left her. To this day, she still doesn't understand why.
As one of her closest friends, I can tell you that a lot of them breaking up with her was because of her personality. If men SOLELY looked for a woman's educational assets, and career achievements, as well as their physical attires, then sure, you would be the PERFECT diamond. Unfortunately, most sensible men are attracted to WAY MORE than the things that can be accomplished by time and effort alone.
In other words, things that are natural to you that make up parts of your character traits, personality, expressions, actions/reactions, thought processes, etc, etc, etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2006): This is the thought I had after reading your text. You have a very high opinion of yourself in relation to these other more inferior women that your men are leaving you for. You seem to believe that the thing that you have to offer men is your pedigree and who would not want to be crazy in love with someone of your caliber. In other words you think this is your currency, this is all you need to offer a man for him to want to be in love with you.
I think it is great that you have acheived all of your goals and that you are very self confident, but one thing that bothers me is that you may lack an understanding of what love truly is.
Love is not a feeling born of being in awe of someone else or feeling that you have landed the big kahuna or the best thing since sliced bread.
Love is really about the person who chooses to love. Love is a decision. Love is a commitment to another being. Love is about being the person who is worthy of love, someone who is more concerned with the other than with the self.
So that being the concept of love, perhaps the fact that these men have left you for inferior women has nothing in fact to do with you, but with them. Perhaps it is because they chose to love someone whom they felt made them like who they were when they were with her....the one that they felt they had something to offer or who made them want to be a better man.
I think that in order to love or make love last we need to make a decision to love the other person with all of our heart and soul and put our pedigrees on a bench with all of the other stuff that does not matter and get down to the bigger questions at hand, like how will we raise and discipline our children if we have them, what are our goals, how do we feel about money and in-laws and how often do we want to have sex and all of the little and not so little things that make our lives work, how will we fold our two lives together and support each other and love.
It does not do any one any good not to be our authentic selves. In time you will find that man who makes a decision to love you based on his own commitment and willingness to be the one who actively seeks to be strong enough to be your man, to be worthy of your love.
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A
male
reader, guylostinlove +, writes (16 December 2006):
The problem probably arises from the fact that you might be more successful than the boyfriends you've had? Or, they've just had nervous sensations being around you. A successful woman makes a guy nervous .. embarrassed even.
My brother's actually in that situation. His girlfriend makes more money than him on the job .. and even though he's gotten a new job, he hasn't told her the truth about what he makes compared to her. Every time I've spoken to him about it, he feels embarrassed that he initially lied to her and continues his little white lie. Which, I've let him be known that he should plainly let her know about his current salary. Get it out in the open.
So, yes, guys are afraid of a beautiful, smart and successful woman. Why ... human nature and how society looks upon males and and females.
The 'clingy' issue someone mentioned might be partially true as well. Especially if the guys you meet are not the type that are at your level of affectionateness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2006): Man, if i were a guy id date you. You have a good head on ur shoulders for sure, well educated. Your in the prime of ur life right now. and really, guys may be intimidated by your extensive education background, guys dont necessarily like their women to make more money then they do. or it could be that your too engulfed in your career. how much free or spare time do u have?I'm sorry that you haven't found the right guy yet. But be patient, the right guy is out there for you. And dont look for him, you will find each other. you have ur life, health, career, and your confident in your appearance, you have everything going for you right now, a man will see that and love you for who you are.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2006): Maybe you become 'clingy'. Not all guys like someone who is totally devoted to them, you could try just making it less obvious, this will allow you to be as devoted but not scaring anyone off. If they notice then they pay attention to you, and are likley to be as devoted to you.
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