A
female
age
41-50,
*ina79
writes:My bf of 5 years broke up with me. A week ago we had a row about the washing load. It was such a trivial matter but the argument escalated and we started hitting each other. I asked him to leave my studio flat by which he kept refusing so to scare him I called up my mate and told her i wanted to call the police as he was not leaving and had hit me. I was really fuming and wasn't thinking straight. She called the police and told me by which time I again asked him to go home so he wouldnt get in trouble. He again refused saying 'Make me'. The police showed up and I told them to tell him to go home. When they asked if he had hit me, I said we both had hit each other which caused the police to take him away though they made it clear he wouldnt have charges pressed against him. I repeatedly told them that it was an arguement that had got out of hand and he just needed to calm down. They took him to the station where he stayed for 14 hours. The next day he came out without being charged, came home picked up a few belongings and told me never to contact him again. He said the police had said i wanted him arrested for common asault which i had not said at all. I called up his dad who had to pick him up from the station and he told me never to call or come round or he would call the police. 2 days later i saw my bf at the bus stop and walked up to him to try and explain my side of the story. He looked away and started walking off which made me follow him. He then called the police and said that I was harrasing him and wanted to report it. I was so hurt, then because i was still trying to calm him down he walked to the nearby police station and told the policeman that he wanted to report me for harrasment. The police told me not to contact him as he was really angry. A day later i came home from work and he picked up all his belongings. I called him where he told me that he never wanted to see my face again. I have been texting and calling him everyday as I cant bear for him to think I wanted all this to happen to him. He has been ignoring my calls and texts and I feel like this is the real thing. We have broken up and made up before but this is so serious. I havent eaten since last week and keep crying knowing that he hates me and beleives i would want him to go to jail. I want to make things right with him but he wont listen to me or contact me. Please can someone tell me what I should do as i really dont want to lose him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): I don't want to sound cynical but you should feel lucky this relationship ended. It was a toxic relationship and now you have time to understand what is wrong with your being OK with this obviously dysfunctional relationship. Read about codependency and manipulative relationships because you just got out of one and you need to avoid falling into another one in the future.
It shows you are manipulative also because you haven't eaten in a week. That's not normal. Manipulative people do that subconciously when they feel they have lost control of some area in their lives. They just take control over another one.
Your dysfunctional ex is happy now because he is in control of the situation. How to gain control yourself? Don't do what he expects you to do. Stop calling him or looking for him, that will make him feel he is not in control anymore and eventually you'll be able to speak your mind to him even if it is for 10 seconds but you should never go back to a destructive relationship like this one.
He is hurt in his ego. It doesn't matter your intentions, he was jailed and/or held by police and he most have suffered a great deal. Now he blames you and he might be right to blame you a little.
Trust me, not as serious as that but I've been there and I have done that.
A
male
reader, Smiffy  +, writes (27 May 2008):
 Hi, Im not so sure from reading your post that this is the only time this has happened??OK...yes I have had arguments we all do...but for it to escalate into you getting a friend to call the police something like this must of happened before.????If arguments lead to violence, from either person, its time to get out......If he doesnt want to speak to you i would say you have had a lucky escape, I know after 5yrs its hard, but can you really hold your hand on your heart and be with someone that is violent towards you...even if it was only one occasion!!!!!!Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): Aw, you poor girl. You've been through a lot in this relationship.
I know you're hurting and that you want him back. You have been together for a long time and I'm sure you were like best friends when you were happy in the relationship. It must be very, very hard to have it end so badly. It must feel so unresolved to you.
I know you may not want to hear this, but maybe it’s best that you broke up. The relationship was getting to violence and that is a terrible thing. He is being immature ignoring you and telling the police that you are harassing him. I know it will be hard, but for now, just try to move on. He is being terribly unfair. He probably knows deep in his heart that you wouldn’t have said that, but is just do angry that the police were called in the first place that now he is trying to hurt you and get back at you. He also probably loves all the attention you are giving him. He is full of power right now and not only does he know it, but he’s using it to hurt you.
Be brave and stop contacting him. He’ll soon start to wonder and may come back to talk to you himself.
I hope you stop feeling so much pain soon.
Good Luck. X
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A
female
reader, xxxxxhotstuffxxxxx +, writes (26 May 2008):
You are in a bit of a mess I can see. Okay now what you need to do is calm down. You need to understand that he is very hurt by what you did and is taking it out by being angry with you. He will be angry for some time so give him that time so that he can work things out in his head and sort out the problems and quiestions he has which are running through hs mind. Wait til his anger cools down. In the meantime dont try and talk to him even if it is to explain your side of the story. Like I,ve said give him some space and time to talk things through with himself. When he is ready in a few days ask to speak to him and surely his anger would have cooled down by then and so sit down and talk things through with him. Be honest and tell him everything. Tell him you were hurt by his actions. If he still refuses to talk try sending him a letter which he would probably read or try getting one of his close relations to get your message across. Good luck. Hope I helped. Lots of love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): First off: if you were having such an argument about laundry - which as you say, in and of itself is fairly trivial - it seems to me you need to learn better ways of resolving conflict. Both of you.
Second: you say you don't really want to lose him. Sorry, but the fact of the matter is that you HAVE ALREADY lost him. Its too late. Evidently you did want the police to come and intervene - why else would you have called your friend to request them to come? Even if you say you "just wanted" to scare him. Again, you need to learn better conflict resolution methods.
As it now stands, he has told you twice not to contact him. His father has told you not to contact him, or the police will be called. The policeman at the bus stop also told you to leave him alone. Yet, you repeatedly ignored all these messages and tried to get in touch. Why?
You may wish things hadn't taken the turn they did, but when someone tells you they do not want to see you again when you have attempted to explain and apologize, you basically have no choice other than to respect their wishes.
Because, if you continue to persist, what it amounts to is that you're trying to impose your will on him, whether he wants it or not.
I'm sorry you are so upset by all this. The only other thing I can say to you is that at this point, the truly loving thing to do is to honor his desire not to see or hear from you ever again - and then to learn from this episode and go on with your own life.
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