A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 20 y/o and my bf is 23. We have been together for about 2 years now, and everything is generally good. I just can't seem to get past this one thing that happened a few months ago....He has this friend. She is beautiful, they have known each other forever, and he admitted to having feelings for her. He also said that he finds her more physically attractive than me. He didn't say it meanly, but in the heat of the moment I asked how he really felt, and I guess he is honest. After all of this he said that he is in love with me and wants me, never wants to be without me. He also treats me very well, all the time. I love him to pieces.Things are usually ok, but when he talks to her or sees her, or says he misses her, then I feel extremely insecure. I also feel inferior to her, especially when I'm naked in front of him, always wondering if I look ok....She is thin, and I am not. I have a thyroid problem, so the weight is very stubborn. He says I'm beautiful, but I can't get over what he said, even though he tried to take it back.What to do?
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (11 April 2012):
 He's been with you 2 years yet has 'left over feelings'? That is a massive red flag - if you are not over someone in 2 years when you are supposed to be in love with someone else, that is a clear sign he will never get over her while he is with you.
I think he is feeding you lines to be honest, if he has said he would never pick her over you that is probably a lie, I think he really means she didnt want him so he chose you. This idea that it wouldnt work 'in his opinion' again is another way of him saying she turned him down and he is hurting.
If he truly loved you then there would be no space in his heart for another woman - so the fact that he has feelings for someone else and finds another woman more attractive says it all really.
I dont think your physical attractiveness is a problem at all here, the problem is that he has feelings for another woman who is still very much in his life. And while she is in his life those feelings wont go away. So that means that he is always going to hold a place in his heart for her and never give himself fully to you. Attractiveness is irrelevant compared to that!
He clearly is thinking about her more than when you are having sex, he is thinking about her more than any man in a relationship should be - if he wasnt thinking about her frequently then he wouldnt 'miss' her, nor would he have left over feelings for her.
I think you are really selling yourself short and settling for someone who is not fully giving himself to this relationship. You can do a lot better, and regardless of his pathetic lines where he tells you he only wants you - I bet if she turned around and said she wanted him you wouldnt see him for dust.
Sorry if that is harsh but I really dont think you are realising that you cannot be in a relationship with a person who has feelings for someone else. If he has feelings for someone else, he needs to get rid of those feelings before he can fully committ himself to a relationship. Otherwise you will always be second best, in every way - and you will never feel secure in the relationship.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 April 2012):
 What girl would not feel a bit insecure with his attitude? His remark was insensitive and lacking in empathy. So he likes the other girl? What is he waiting for?
Yet he would not like to lose you. Well he should start celebrating that he has you in his life. Otherwise there will be another guy out there who will adore you and worship the ground you walk on.
It says that you must be a delightful lady that he chooses to be with you despite his unguarded moment. I do hope he makes it up to you by genuinely and kindly listing your wonderful qualities that cause him to love you just as you love him.
Yet he makes it know that he misses this other girl? Oh this man has a lot to learn about how to show appreciation and how to make his lady feel truly special.
Of course it is horrible to feel the way you do. And the thyroid issue would not help either. Go back to your Doctor and ask for a reassessment of all your wonderful qualities. You must have far more qualities than the other girl otherwise he would be wooing her instead. To better handle the thyroid issue perhaps
Try to limit dairy for a while. Ask your Doctor what supplement you could take (Vitamin D, Calcium, Vitamin C?) instead to make up for the reduced calcium intake. .
Then schedule a 45 minute walk in the morning before you go to work and a 30 minute brisk walk
more critical of their bodies than their guy friends. Trust me; if he did not like you physically I doubt he would still be with you. You are probably far more attractive than you think is the case.
Your guy needs to overtly show appreciation of the parts and aspects of you that he loves you – and he should tell you things on a regular basis. Remind him and ask for what you want and need from him. If he loves you and wants to retain your love he will understand.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe says that he would never pick her over me, because he loves me more than anyone, but just has some left over feelings for her. I feel second best physically, but he says he would never try to have a relationship with her under any circumstance because it wouldn't work, in his opinion. I just don't know how important physical attractiveness is, not that I'm not ok looking, but I wonder if he's thinking about her when I'm trying to give myself to him. This is so messy...
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (11 April 2012):
Your boyfriend was very wrong to say that he finds her more attractive than you, you are 100% right to be upset by the situation.
Did your boyfriend ever date this friend of his? Or was he the one who liked her, but she didnt feel the same?
It worries me that a) he thinks she is more attractive than you and b) he has feelings for her - it is almost like you are second best to her because she turned him down (that is speculation but if she did turn him down then it would make sense).
And no woman, regardless of how you look, should ever be second best to another woman in her man's life. In my opinion I think you can do better and you deserve much more than your boyfriend, so if I were you I would walk away.
Even if she wasnt in his life anymore, you will always know that he has feelings for her and he finds her very attractive. That is too much for someone to deal with - in your boyfriend's eyes you should be the most beautiful girl in the world and there is no-one better than you. To know that you are not number 1 in his eyes is something you will never be able to get over, and you shouldnt have to get over it either.
You cant change how your boyfriend feels unfortunately, I guess this is just the way it is - so I really do think that you need to leave for your own sake. No amount of love can overcome the fact that it seems like he would rather be with his friend if he has the choice over being with you.
But it is up to you - you have been together a long time so I understand it is hard, but then again you deserve better than this and there will be someone out there who thinks you are amazing and would pick you over any girl he has ever known. If I were you I wouldnt settle for being second best, and go out there and find someone who would think of me as number 1.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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