A
female
age
30-35,
*inkbunni3xz
writes:I'm feeling a bit lost right now. My boyfriend and I have been going out for over a year. We've had our share of ups and downs and it has been on and off over the last 12 months.The reason why I am feeling lost right now is because of a recent fight we had that caused me to just lash out and lose it and throw the "break up" line. I was just feeling so alone in this relationship and feeling like the only one trying. My boyfriend and I are extremely similar emotionally, and I find sometimes that's our strength but also our weakness. Sometimes when we both fall we can't be there for each other and help the other person up but tend to drag the person down further. I guess what drags us back every time is our love, acceptance and a huge capacity for understanding.When he gets down he just walks out on the relationship. Which means I don't hear from him for a while. That really frightens me and also I hate to be left hanging without even knowing whats going on with us. I told him I just want to be with him and when I said that it was totally impulsive and out of the moment. I wish he can forgive that I said that and move on because he has broken up with me so many times I and I have forgiven him each time he comes running back. I just feel so lonely and also scared that he hasn't called even though he said he needed a week to think. It's been over a week and my anxiety is starting to build and I don't know how much longer I can wait for.
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (11 April 2012):
 It is wonderful that you have so much love and acceptance and a huge capacity for understanding each other. But sometimes that is not enough.
And if he resolves things (from his point of view) by spitting the dummy and just walking out then that is not resolving things. It is a cop-out to just walk out and sounds like he needs some support or some ideas on how to assertively tell you what his needs are and what he feels is not open to compromise.
Just walking out is not going to fix things. And may make things worse. Not hearing for you for ages leaves you just wondering. It must be agony.
Dirty fighting? Dirty fighting destroys relationships and is best avoided.
Negotiate with empathy? The latter is the right way to go.
Instead of going head to head to try to convince the other that one of you is right and one of you is wrong try the alternative.
This involves first trying to establish where you have common ground. Then where you can give a little and where you can compromise. Where you can open up to considering the options being advanced by the other party. Of course it is a give and take operation with a lot of good will operating and a lot of trust.
If it sounds too difficult then enrol in a course or some counselling to learn how to resolve things without a win: lose philosophy.
Can you make the first move? Or is that too much? He is not being reasonable but I also sense you do not want to lose him.
He should not be doing things that cause you so much pain. Contact him and tell him how important it is to you to resolve this.
If it seems too big a task alone and you seriously want this to work then contact a couples counsellor and meet the counsellor face to face so that they can be the adjudicator and bring you both back to the real issues if things look like they are going off the rails.
He needs to stop this ‘walk out’ behaviour as it resolves nothing.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (11 April 2012):
 Look - if a relationship is on/off frequently, then the relationship is not working and you are not right for each other. No amount of love can overcome the fundamental issue that you are not compatible, and you cannot communicate properly with each other.
If you were 'meant to be' then your love for each other and desire to be together would mean you stick around and talk it out until the issue is resolved. Whereas in your case, either you or your boyfriend walks away because you are incapable of communicating and resolving problems.
Unless you spend years in therapy together this is never going to change. And personally, if you have only been together 12 months yet have been on/off lots, this was doomed from the start. You should still be in the honeymoon phase, you should be incredibly happy and loved up, with hardly any arguments and definitely no breaking up.
This is no working, it sounds like it has never worked so call it quits once and for all. You are not right for each other and clearly bring out the worst in each other, so please, for your own sake and his dont go back again. End it once and for all and move on.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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