A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for over four years and yet we still haven’t moved forward in our relationship.We both live at home, me with my mum and him with his dad. I work full time and he is in university. We’ve been together since we were 16 so have turned into adults together, yet I’m worried we want something entirely different in life. I go to his every weekend and I am very comfortable, I get on with his dad and I cook tea and we have a lovely time, then he comes to mine once in the week, but that’s it. I want more. I am ready to move out, I have a troubled relationship with my mother due to some stuff that happened last year, but I cannot afford a place on my own, and I wouldn’t want to be lonely, I just want to live with my boyfriend as I miss him and the thought of always being with him always is amazing, yet we can’t even discuss it.He has said he can’t move out as his dad is in financial problems since his mum left a year ago, but my partner barely pays any keep so I don’t see how he makes a difference. I brought it up again yesterday and he said he wasn’t ready because he can’t leave his dad as he is lonely, but my boyfriend’s older brother lives there to so why should it all be down to him to keep his dad company? Don’t get me wrong I see how sweet it is him caring for his dad, but when will our relationship be put first? I do worry it could be an excuse because after four years what commitment do I even have? But getting a bus to his every weekend to stay one night. I want more, I tried talking last night and he caused an argument about it, I did say I knew he did that to avoid the subject which he denied but whenever I mention our future it comes to an argument. Is it selfish to except more? M twin sister and her partner are engaged and live together, and all my friend’s live with their partners, through university accommodation, but still. I don’t want a ring, or marriage or anything I just want to live with him. Do you think it will happen any time soon? I do get scared where two different now as he is university and I am working, maybe we see life differently.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 April 2015):
 He isn't ready. It's really THAT simple. This really ISN'T about his Dad. It's about HIM not feeling ready to that next HUGE step. Whether YOU like it or not.
YOU might be ready to move out. You mention not having a great relationship with your mom, so I can see why moving out would work for you. HE doesn't HAVE that issue at home. He seems like a caring son, but maybe he is also still a little immature.
Not EVERYONE hits an age (let's say 18 or 21) and FEEL ready to move out. YOU even say I don't WANT TO do it on my own, I don't WANT to live alone. (and that you can't afford it).
But.. WHAT happens if you two don't work out? Can't stand living together 24/7? If he moves out with you and then decides, nope I'd rather live with my dad a while longer.. THEN YOU will be stuck with an apartment/flat you CAN NOT AFFORD on your own, and you will BE on your own.
Personally, I think moving out is a huge step. I left home for a year when I was 18. I LOVED it. I came back home and about 9 month later moved in with my first BF. It was kind of fast, but the opportunity was there. We made it work for 4 1/2 years. Then I moved BACK home for 2 months (took that long to find another place) it was cheap (but not in the safest area of town. I saved up a LOT of money while living there. And I ended up BUYING a place of my own.
So I have been more or less out of my parents house since I was 18. But not because I didn't get along with them, but because I WANTED a place of my own.
You went the "adult" route. YOU got out and got a job after school. YOUR BF continued onto to Uni - which means for YOU a LOT has changed, for him? not so much. Which means YOU have grown, he has not... grown as much.
I do think moving out and getting some flatmates might be a good experience for you. And it might also give you a chance to improve on your relationship with your mom. You won't be alone if you share a flat, you won't pay as much as if you lived on your own.
Moving out is something YOU want, not your BF.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2015): so you are in a full time job and he is at university.
with him being at university I would imagine he doesn't have a job or has a part time job ?
how can you expect him to want to want to move out when he is on a limited income already ?
also for some blokes they actually feel really shitty if they are not able to provide for there partner and he might feel he can not afford to give you what you need .
all that matters is that you love him and he makes you happy.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 April 2015):
 If he does not want to live with you he will come up with any and all excuses. And you have to respect that.
What you need to do if you want this is make him want it too.
What that means is saying "I'm sorry BF I can't come see you this weekend I'm too busy" then don't go. BE busy.
Do not be angry with him for living where he lives. Make your choices to take care of yourself and love yourself and if he misses you enough he will make changes to ensure that he sees you more often. If he does not then that tells you where you lie in his priorities. You can make your decision about what to do then.
You need to stop comparing your relationship to your friends and your sister. Everyone goes at their own pace.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 April 2015):
 If you have a successful job , you should be able to afford moving out on your own , since you don't like living with your mother. Or, at least, you can share with a friend or a flatmate.
This may not be about YOUR education , if you feel you are done with your studies, but definitely is about HIS education. I feel you should not even be asking him to move in with you , let alone pressuring him, when he is still at school working toward his degree . He needs time and leisure and space to focus on his studies- this is, and SHOULD be, at 20 !, his priority, not your couple future ,which with a bit of luck can be rosy and happy even of you postpone living together for 2 or 3 years. He IS a college student and he should live like a student, not like a way too young husband . Btw, I also think this would imply some time and space for doing his own student thing and no, I do not mean at all " having fun with the lads " or chasing girls or anything. Simply, at 20 the life of a college boy should also include deepening cultural interests, honing social skills, networking with people who may help him in his future career, etc., more than playing hubby to a 20 year old wifey .
I think, if it ain't broke do not fix it. You have a good, happy, loving relationship, you like his family, you spend together all the weekends and one evening a week- and I bet you are in constant touch by text,or phone. That's enough, that's plenty for a young college guy. If you feel committed and trust each other, you don't need the dubious sanction of playing house, in inadequate surroundings too , just because your friends are superficial enough to have made such a choice.
I realize that you miss him when he is not with you- but, that's part of the problem too, maybe. How come that at 20, and with a full time job, you even have the time to miss him , and the will, to invest all on the COUPLE ? You can love each other to bits without becoming fusional. Beside your bf, making love, and playing wifey, don't you have other things that appeal to you, that keep you busy, that you want to do ( and can do NOW before you have kids ) ? There's nothing that you are curious to study or learn even outside of an official study program, don't you have other friends but your bf, is there nothing that you like to do in your free time but cooking tea for him ?
I hope it does not feel like I am upbraiding you, as a matter of fact I want to encourage to ALSO see yourself as a whole person and not just as half of a couple, that will strenghen your relationship rather weakening it. ( I know you don't believe me, but , I tried :).
I'd like to add that personally I do not see his as
" excuses ", to me they feel like REASONS- expressed with a bit of tact for not making you mad.
The part about money, ... I guess he simply means that he can't / could not in a pinch ask money to his father- and , if he is a full time student, and you work but don't even make enough to support yourself independently, well, who's going to support the COUPLE ? If now he is not paying for his keep- it means somebody else is. Maybe the father ? Well, have you thought that probably his father would not consider- even if he could - paying for the keep of a grown child living elsewhere ?.. When you fly the coop , it means that you are ready to spread your wings also financially. If you can't , stay put.
And the bit about the older brother : Why should your bf be the only one etc. etc. Well, I guess the older brother may feel the same " there's two of us here, why should I be the only one left holding the sack ( pardon me, assisting dad ) just because my bf's gf wants to shack up ? "
I understand how you feel that your relationship should come before anything else, his father, his brother, his studies- but please realize that if your bf does not feel exactly the same is not because he does not love you enough or does not respect you enough - in fact , he just does not want to make your slightly selfish and short sighted priorities his own.
Let him have his breathing room, let him study in peace, and this in the long run will protect your future as a couple much better than the comfort of sleeping in the same bed now.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 April 2015):
 He's not ready to move in with you. Pressuring him into doing that isn't going to improve your relationship. I don't think it's selfish to expect more, but I do think that expecting more and getting it are two different things.
Just because your friends and family live with their partners doesn't mean that he has to move in with you.
I think you are focused on moving in and he's focused on uni. Have you tried talking about what his 5, 10 and 20 year plan might be? (Without focusing on your role in it, just listen to what he thinks the future holds.) Obviously you have a plan as well, do you have a 5, 10 and 20 year plan?
You could move out and live with flatmates until he's done with his schooling. Then you are making him responsible for 'saving' you from your troubled relationship with your mother. You won't be lonely and you will learn what it is like to fend for yourself for a while. It could be very enlightening.
You say you have a successful job, so you have something else in your life. Moving out, in with flatmates, and taking your boyfriend off the hook for moving in just yet could be a really wonderful thing you do for yourself.
He's said he's not ready to move in with you, so let this go for now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015): You also said you couldn't afford to get your own place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd what makes you think I should be in school? That's rather judgmental I have a successful job that I worked hard to get into without getting into the debt of a degree.
This isn't about education this is about mine and my partners future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015): Neither of you can afford to live on your own. You should be in school yourself. What are your goals and ambitions, other than to leave home to getaway from your mother?
Your situation is better for you both just the way it is. You don't earn enough to be reliable enough to pay rent and share living expenses. He'd be forced to give-up school to afford to support both of you. Two cannot live as cheaply as one. The best you could afford would not be very comfortable or safe.
Even if he contributes little financially to live at home; it is obviously more financially feasible and advantageous to do so while he's a student. You're both very young, and he could be easily distracted from his studies trying to maintain a relationship; and dealing with you and your family problems.
You don't need to attempt a relationship outside your home-front; until you learn to deal with the one you already have. That's the one with your own mother.
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