A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My relationships always end up in disasters because of my one-track mind. I tend to be quickly really into the girl I'm pursuing and every time she is turned off by my 'niceness' and attentiveness, causing me to pull back and make her seek my attention again. Once I decide to give her my attention, the same thing repeats again and again, until I stop giving a damn and just next her / never speak to her again. At that point the women often fall deeply in love and never really get over how 'nice' I was. I'm very physically attractive, and the girls I'm attracted to are too, if that helps. I just come off 'clingy' when in fact I just really like them (for a time), but have no problem dropping them off my radar forever and giving them no second thought, so it's not like I really 'need' them in my life.So how do I fix this problem? Am I always dating immature girls who need to be treated like garbage for them to like me back? At what age do girls grow into women and start appreciating 'nice guys'?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2015): The question is...who told you you're nice? Self-certification? I know a bunch of complete losers who go on and on about how girls don't like nice guys like them while the fact remains that they're not liked because they're not really nice, just desperate.
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (22 April 2015):
 janniepeg gives excellent advice ill mirror that and add that you are indeed encountering immature girls. They like games n to be hurt.. sound insane? it creates an irresistible attraction bc it keeps them entertained and dramatic. The women you are after want the toxic s*it and you seem legit so stay away n be patient. Try to find a girl with no experience whatsoever with men. fresh mind. fresh body. good luck.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 April 2015):
 Immaturity can be a factor. The other one is that there is a pattern that nice guys go through. These girls might have been with jerks and had their hearts broken. Nice guys are targets for these girls to gain confidence again. So they might not be ready to fall in love again until they moved on from their exes. By the time you are frustrated with the push pull behavior that's the time when they are just starting to catch feelings. So maybe when you screen for dating partners try to find out how attentive they are, or when and how their last relationships break up?
Maybe it's not so much about age but readiness. At my first relationship at 19 I certainly appreciated niceness. After my divorce at 28 I was just playing the field. At 34 I had been single for a year, then I was ready at full force for a serious relationship and I got married.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 April 2015):
 Some don't. it's like some guys never grow up into men that treat women with respect. It appears you did though so it's a moot point. All you can do man is keep on treating women with the utmost respect and wait for the right one to come along. ump the losers that want to stay trash and try try again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015): hehe... Well,some never do.Some of us have always liked "nice" (me included) and preferred that over anything else (including super-hot guys).So the questions is: a) are you looking for "nice girls",too?That IS important. If other things matter to you more right now (kinda understandable,given your age), then why do you care? Have all your fun. Literally,ALL the fun you want. THEN once you decide you want a relationship and not a superficial thing, then start looking for "the one".Honestly,from your description of things it sounds as you were never truly in love. People in love generally find it very difficult to move on after things have ended/turned bad (many of the questions on this site are related to that. They KNOW things are bad, yet they're in love... Ah,what can one do? We're all fools when we are in love.)b) Where are you looking for "nice girls"? I mean,ok,you can meet nice girls in clubs etc. BUT they're NOT likely to be there looking for the "one". They'll be there looking for the same thing as you-fun.OH,and BTW, this pull-push cycle is defo unhealthy and you need to break that first.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015): Insightful answer and I have to agree with many of your points.I may be trying to project a perfect image of myself. Maybe there's so much pressure in not messing it up that I end up sabotaging the whole thing by trying too hard. However I can't help being attracted to so few women. It's not about wanting to look hot together but finding someone with chemistry, as dating seems pointless without it.These women are often young and insecure and, well, how their interpretation of my behavior feels like is: "if you value me so highly, you can't be very valuable yourself"I have no delusions of being perfect. I'm very aware of my many flaws, including the physical ones.It just feels to me like these women, I mean girls, are looking for someone to base their self worth on. It definitely feels like an immaturity thing and I should consider older women instead.Thanks for the long response.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2015): You may be focusing too much on outer-appearance and not enough on personality. You are too aware of your own attractiveness, and you idealize what relationships should be. You are trying too hard.
You should always be nice, but there is such thing as going over-board. People see through that, and "too nice" is phony.
If you put a lot of emphasis on how you appear together as a couple, you will often focus too much energy on presentation. Always strutting about the room thinking you're the envy of everyone in the room. Maybe it's not that the girls are so immature, maybe that's the type you're most attracted to.
"We are hot, and we look hot together." The women you date get tired of your "niceness" and crave "realness." You misconstrue that to mean they want you to act like a jerk.
Don't tell anyone here, or insult the intelligence of other readers; by telling us women like you being a jerk, or being nasty to them. That isn't true. They just like you better when you stop being "phony nice." They liked you from the very beginning; but the "niceness" just wasn't realistic enough. It wasn't transmitted from the heart. It was to make things appear perfect. To make you look perfect.
Those young women are very young. They are still maturing, if they are under 25. They lack a lot of experience, in all fairness. All they really want is to be able to be themselves around you; and you to come down off your high horses. They didn't want to be placed on a pedestal; because if you think you're perfect, you have higher expectations of them than they can reach and sustain.
Nice-guys finish last. I learned that a long time ago. I also learned that I also had to choose my mates and partners for the right reasons, and have realistic expectations. I had to look more into what was beneath the surface, and change myself where people told me, in no uncertain terms, how my own personality was working against me. That's hard to take, but you've got to take a message from those girls you're misunderstanding.
Yes, girls like bad-boys. They also learn from the mistake of assuming that's what they want. The dummies go from one jerk to the next. The smart girls learn exactly what they want in a good man, and what they have to be to get one.
You haven't even reached the first quarter of your life-span. You don't haven't lived enough time on the planet; or have enough experience with women and relationships, to be so cynical.
Keep working at it, keep dating, and you'll weed out the wrong type of women for you. Learn about your own mistakes and try to see your own imperfections in order to change them. You may be nice, but you're not perfect. No one is perfect. Tone down the conceit; you have a right to be confident and proud of who you are. If you don't judge yourself in the right light, you will only see the weakness and imperfections in others. When in fact, the flaws are mostly in YOU!
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