A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:(PREVIOUS QUESTION)I recently posted about a situation where 5 years ago i got drunk and naked and everyone took photos of me and passed it round my home town and they still haunt me today-everyone that i meet gets shown them and while i didn't want it to (i really wanted to just see the funny side) it bothered me every day and caused stupid anxiety in me so often. Tonight i went to my 'friend' that i have asked nicely to stop showing them and practically begged him to delete them and i told him how much it genuinely bothered me. He said he had loads of phones and computers with copies of them on and he said he would delete them - i don't think he will but anyway. I then spoke to my other friend later to ask if he had a copy and if he could delete it and he said how stupid and paranoid i was and that i was over reacting and shouldn't dwell on it. He said that i've probably made things worse now because they now know just how much it bothers me and i would have been better off laughing it off. Do you think this is true? was it silly of me asking someone to stop shoving a stupid mistake i made all that time ago in my face. Especially now that i have met this girl that i care about a lot and am scarred she will run a mile if she saw the photo and what i used to be like (i used to drink far too much-it just was the place i was at at the time) I'm fed up of being the joke guy as it's not who i actually am. I can't help it but i am a very paranoid person that dwells on everything to the point of feeling very depressed and i've been kidding myself that i could handle it without saying anything all this time. I have a lot going on in my life and want to just be the guy in the corner and not the centre piece. It was the right thing to do wasn't it?Have i made things worse?thanks for your time!(FOLLOW-UP)I took on board everyone's advice and thought i felt better about it. But then within a day i felt terrible again. it is on my mind all the time and i just want to cry. I went away with the family for a couple of days and i didn't want to talk or socialise and i don't know how i can cope. Surely i must be depressed- would a situation like this practically destroy a normal persons life or does it imply i have a deeper problem? would help completely rid me of this feeling of depression and shame? I can't take it any more!I keep telling myself how riddiculous it is to care so much but i just can't stop. I really need help. what can i do? i just want to be happy and have an easy carefree mind and life. Will i ever get over this?
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female
reader, gemstone  +, writes (15 October 2008):
It is not ridiculous that you care so much.
It is a horrible thing that happened to you.
Disprespectful and incredibly embaressing.
Don't try and brush it off as nothing because it isnt.
However, there are ways to deal with real situaions and feelings like this,
I suggest you go to therapy if you are feeling really bad just to get some perspective and find ways to bring your self-esteem back up. I think people should be allowed to dance around naked while they are intoxicated. This is a freedom that is being completely oppressed by shaming situations like at has happened to you. I think that you should flip the situation around. Understand that you have been taken advantage of. They are the bullies and you are the victim.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): Oh, you poor guy! What a horrible experience! No wonder you feel sad/depressed. What happened to you can't be easy to get over, anyone would feel upset,so what you are feeling is perfectly normal. But you can't let this situation destroy you ok? First of all, the people doing this to you ARE NOT your friends by any means. What they are doing is just cruel. And 5 years later to still be showing photos? My God, don't they have a life? How childish and cruel. I think you did the right thing by talking to them, and I would try one more time to make them see how horrible they are, but don't expect them to change. Definetely try to have as little contact with them as possible. All of us do dumb things and make mistakes, especially drunk people do dumb things. But you should not have to keep reliving this! Anyone who is your friend/cares about you will be kind and understanding, trust me. You shouldn't assume that a girl wouldn't like you because of this, don't think that way. Its very hard living in a small town, I grew up in one too. Small towns LOVE gossip and love to keep it going, its horrible. But I just can't get over that its been 5 years and still going on. Please talk to a professional about your feelings of depression ok? What your feeling is what most people would feel, but maybe you just can't deal with it on your own, and that's what the professionals are there for. I'm sure you just want to hide but you can overcome these small minded people ok? Please take care of yourself and hold your head up high. Don't let some stupid childish people ruin you.
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A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (14 October 2008):
I can understand how you are feeling. What you went through was pretty horrible. Having naked photos of yourself shown to everyone you your [small] town...and people are still showing them off years down the track!! Must be so humiliating. ANd what makes it worst is these people who do it claim to be your 'friends'. In my opinion that would be the worst part for me if it happened to me.
I think you did the right thing by telling that guy how it made you feel and asking him to delete them and not show them.
So yes, now he knows how you feel, and if in knowing that, it makesh im want to show them even more...well...what does that say about him? He is obviously not a friend. In fact, hes not a decent human being. What sort of person pruposly humiliates someone after they have told them how much it hurt them? A pretty insensitive person i think!
To be honest, if i was this girl you like gets shown these photos through someone else, i wouldnt be turned off you. if anything id have sympathy for you. and id think how horrible these people are who spread it around continually.
If i was you, i would cut all contact if possible with those people who spread it around. first give them a chance to stop it by telling them how much it hurts you...then if they continue say goodbye. or at the very least, stop being friends with them. i understnad in a small town you probably cant cut contact altogether.
As for you feeling depressed...i think situations like this can cause someone to be depressed. obviously you feel it was a traumatic expeirence and thats ok, dont let anyone make you feel like your feelings are invalid, or that you are overacting. id like to see how they react if someone did it to them. they might put on a happy face and laugh it off, but really...anyone who is human would be effected by that and feel at the very least humiliated for a while.
Maybe you could try talking to a counsellor about what happened? im sure they would have better advice then me. and if you really feeling so depressed to the point where it could be diagnosed as clinical depression then you really do need to deal with it somehow, whether that be through talking to a counsellor and/or taking medication. They will be able to give you tips on how to deal with anxiety, stress, humiliation etc...all the things you are probably feeling. so i hope you can take that step and be strong and reach out for some more help.
One more thing, i know what it feels like to live in a small town and have something bad about yourself spread around. in my case, it wasnt true. but never the less it is still just as humiliatng and you feel like people are watching you. and every time i meet another guy, i worry that some other guy is going to tell that lie about me that gets spread around and then he wont like me anymore. you would think by the ages of early 20's people would be more mature hey? obviously not.
take care and i hope you work through this all!
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