A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need help. I am 18. I have trust issues i think. My boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years now and we love each other so much and all the rest, we are with each other all the time. Around about the 1 year mark, i just changed. After we'd been together for a while. I stopped hanging with my friends, i just really wanted to spend my time with him, I let down my bestfriends by not making time for them and all this has lead to me not being friends with them anymore and not being able to do things with them and hang out, serves me right for ditching. It was really hard at school to because all his friends dropped out and so we just had each other and it was hard for me to see my old friends and i started to get angry when i found out he was smoking on the oval and ditching class ( iv'e just felt so confused with my emotions).I worry about my boyfriend being out with his friends even when they are over his house. Worry turns to hate and anger when i cant get a hold of him or if he tells me the plans have changed and hes not doing what he said he was gonna. I hate smoking and feel like i hate him if he even smells like it.I go through his phone, check the history on the computer, smell his clothes, try to listen to him talking outside with his friends, try to listen to his phone convos. I feel like i am a really bad gf for all this. But when its just the two of us i am me. When there is no one else to think about i dont turn into that craszy cow that i hate so much. I even know that when i am doing these things how wrong it is to do but i feel like i am doing them to know things, what hes been up to and to make myself feel better about letting go sometimes, BUT it just feels like my anxios feeling are getting worse.I need help, please. I know that this is no way to be. I know that i dont really have much else in my life him and that i should find hobbies and make friends. but even at the thought of doing all that i feel like i dont want to waste that time when i could just be lying with him on the couch or just have us doing something together. I tell my boyfriend about my worries and insecurities. He loves me, because if he didnt he wouldnt put up with my mood swings and stupid behaviour. He is so good to me,he cut back hanging with his friends lots just to be with me. I know all the things i do are wrongs and i dont want to be like that its untrusting and its driving me crazy. I just want to know how i can change my behaviour, how i can get past all this insecurity and how i can just stop thinking about him and things his doing and to just learn how to focus on myself and not let him distract my thoughts. I love him so much and i just want to be a better girlfriend and get in touch with my old self again.Sorry i know this is long but i just want to set the scene. Thanks :) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2007): Thank you everyone for your advice. I understand the things that you have all said and im gonna take your advice and do something. I appreciate your time in answering my question and thank you for making things more clear to me.Thanks :)
A
female
reader, LULU'S Advice  +, writes (8 December 2007):
 The old green eyed monster is so ugly.You sound as though you have very low self esteem.I know you won't want to hear this but you do need some outside interests.You seem completely consumed with your boyfriend to the point that there is nothing else in your life and that my love isn't healthy.I don't mean to be cruel,I have been there myself but no matter how close you are you still need time apart.Even if it's only a couple of hours a week and gradually build it up.You'll appreciate each otrher a lot more and the time you spend together will be more meaningful. xx
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A
female
reader, agony anuts rubby +, writes (8 December 2007):
 thank you for presenting this wonderful question. Your question brings up many different subjects that we could discuss. we can explore your concerns and help to bring clarity to the various dimensions of this question.
Our feelings are the roots of our senses, and our emotions are the by-products of our feelings. Our feelings can teach us a lot about ourselves. They point us to our values, those people, places, and things that are important to us. Knowing our feelings, and our values helps us discover, helps us learn how to trust ourselves. Once we develop the ability to reference our inner nature, we know how to trust ourselves. Then we become able to reason, sense, and blend our mind with our heart.
Self-trust leads to self-honesty, and self-honesty helps us to develop greater levels of self-trust. When we have self-trust, we are able to reason what our outer world wants to teach and show us. From this understanding of self-trust and self-honesty.
You might want to ask your inner self if you are afraid of surrendering deeply to love. This could be a component of the jealousy. You can discover if you are creating obstacles in your relationship, so that you can be continually reassured that you are cared for, while keeping enough distance and control to give a part of you a sense of safety. Embrace any aspect of your nature that wants to be protected and wants to be sure. Let it know that it is eternal and always connected to love. In this way it will ease the mental fear from becoming obsessive.
if i was in your case i would look back to when you first met see what made you happy ,what did you do diffrent to what you do now.
well good luck and keep me up dated.
anut rubby.xx
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A
male
reader, ElectroChris  +, writes (8 December 2007):
Focusing on the positive, I really think you need to be aiming towards integrating your time with his.Conversely, yes, you are engaging in the kind of behavior that drive anybody mad, especially, and including, yourself.To be doing all the things you are, you must have trust issues, etc. My firm belief for all situations such as these is that nothing is more important than communication. Open dialogue can solve almost anything, and your man certainly seems like he'd be up for it.Once strong communication lines are opened, and you have shared all your fears and worries with him, he might start to see just how worried and completely freaked-out you've become; then the two of you will have a jumping-off point, and really get digging into the serious "issues". But, before, during, and after all this has happened, do start seeing your friends again, and let him see his, and most importantly, share as many activities with him as you can, always keeping in mind that two people in love do NOT have to spend every waking moment together.much love and greatness, Chris
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (8 December 2007):
 Hey there,
Here's what I think needs to happen. I think you need to get out more - get those friends back! You and your boyfriend love each other, right? That means that even when you're doing your own thing and hanging out with your own friends, you'll still be crazy in love. You'll both come home to the same place.
You need to get involved in SOMETHING. Theater. An art class. Yoga. Pilates. Dance class. Volunteering. Something to get you your own life!
However, I think your boyfriend does need to meet you halfway. He needs to quit smoking for you. usually I don't condone telling people what to do, but in this instance, it's terrible for his health, it's a nasty habit and horribly addictive.
If you show him that you trust him, he is more liable to be trustworthy.
So in conclusion: Talk to your boyfriend. Say "I know that I've been kind of crazy lately, and I'm sorry. I really want to loosen up, but I need your help. I'm really worried about you smoking. I really want you to stop. If you can try to stop smoking, I want to try calming down and chilling out."
Something along those lines.
Hope I helped a little bit, sweetness. You sound like a good girlfriend, with good intentions. I hope your relationship heals!
xxIndia
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