A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now and things have never been perfect from the start but I chose to ignore the first warning signs. We met years ago then lost contact and started talking online again 3 years ago, we decided to meet up but he cancelled at the last minute, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and arranged to meet again, he cancelled last minute again! For some reason I gave him a final chance and we actually met up. We started going out and things were great, but after a few months I started doubting things he was saying, for example how much money he had saved up etc. We had chatted about our exes at one point and he said that he didn't speak to his ex anymore and that she was horrible.. I then found out (by accident) that he was messaging her. We spoke about it and he agreed to stop speaking to her because I wasn't comfortable with it. I then found out a month later he was still speaking to her, this repeated a couple more times!! (I don't know why I didn't dump him, stupid me). But the problem got sorted and he eventually stopped talking to her completely. It wasn't till a few months ago that he admitted he'd still had some feelings for her at the start of our relationship.A few months after he stopped talking to his ex, he started talking to "an old friend" online, she was very flirty and I just said to him how what she was saying was making me uncomfortable, especially how he was a bit secretive about it all. She was trying to get him to go to hers for a drink, he never mentioned me as his girlfriend and was agreeing to meet her. After our chat he said (without persuasion from me) that he would not talk to her. I then snooped and found he'd messaged her to say that I didn't want them talking but not to worry they would still meet up for drinks.There's a lot of other things I can't (or couldn't) trust him with. He has always said he's going to do something then doesn't. For example, he never picks up his dogs poo..I ask him to and he says he will..5 days later it's still not picked up! He then gets annoyed at being asked regularly. He's apparently trying to get more hours at work, but he's not looking. He's overweight and keeps saying all these things he's going to do to lose it..and doesn't.It's reached a point in our relationship where he does follow through with things. But the underlying problem is still there. He had a bit of a bad up bringing which is the cause to most of his current problems, we've identified these in what I think has been a positive thing...and he "appears" to think the same. But he now uses it just as an excuse instead of actually working to sort something out. I've had my own issues from childhood to deal with which have massively affected my adult life but I took it upon myself to get a counsellor and sort myself out. I am working on things everyday. And then I look at my boyfriend and he's doing nothing. I've changed a lot since we've been together but I've never lied or done anything to jeopardise our relationship. The relationship is a bit better now, he's slowly moving forward (maybe too slowly) but I keep thinking how I don't want to be with him anymore. I find myself hoping that he will do something like what he did in the past that will justify me dumping him. I don't feel justified dumping him over one of the little things he does or doesn't do now. We still get on really well most of the time, maybe more like best friends. I'm not too attracted to him right now either, he's very handsome, it's just that he has a gut. It's not necessarily his appearance itself that bothers me, but the fact it shows laziness. I detest laziness. He wants to lose weight but can never be bothered to actually do anything about it. Whereas most people could have lost the weight within two months, he's not even lost half of it in 7 months. I know I'm sounding like a horrible unsupportive girlfriend but I'm not, I'm just wearing thin. I feel I'm putting in more energy than what he is. And I don't know what to do, or maybe I do but I just want someone to tell me if my feelings are justified?!!
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at work, best friend, flirt, his ex, lose weight, money, overweight Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (26 June 2015):
 Hon, but this man has very poor boundaries when it comes to other women, and if anything will destroy a relationship it is lack of trust because a partner lies and cheats.
Yes, face it, he is a liar and is cheating on you.
You say the relationship is a bit better, this is only because he is managing to hide things from you and pretend all is okay. He has you on one side and all the other women he chats to on the other.
Time to cut your losses!
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (25 June 2015):
 You say early on that you refused to recognize the warning signs. How about heading them now? Save your sanity and get out while the getting is good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2015):
As an rmn I am 100% with honeypie. We can only motivate and change behaviours that others acknowledge and want to change .
You are in a no win situation . I would take some time out . Not see him etc . And revaluate your feelings in a few weeks or months .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2015): Yes your feelings are justified. He is a liar and cannot be trusted. He sounds like not a very nice person generally really. Just end it. What's there to like or love here? A 20-faced, overweight, neglectful man with dirty habits. Turn-off muchly? You're so young, so many opportunities and experiences await. Go and live life and find a nice guy who's trustworthy and cleans up his dog's poop and takes care of his own health. You're settling for rubbish.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 June 2015):
 You feel how you feel.
What I JUST don't get is that you seem to understand WHAT you will and will not accept. But you seem to think you can "train" or change this guy, when in reality, you can't.
He lied to you from the get go. My guess is he cancelled the first two meet ups because he was still seeing or trying to get back with the ex.
He then lied about HER - she was horrible.. well, that made you think WHY would he want to talk to someone horrible? Because it's the typical "excuse" for why they are not with someone.
When he finally realized that talking to the ex would lead nowhere and that YOU kept pushing him to stop talking, he "sort of" stopped talking to her. BUT he then started with this other chick... who wanted to met up, AND SO DID HE!! He even LIED to you about not talking to her and went BEHIND your back, so they could still meet up.
Then we get to not picking up dog poop. That IS nasty. I don't blame you, BUT you are not his mother. And unless he is living with you and the dog is pooping everywhere.... (eww just ewww) I would not try and "make" him clean it up. HE is a GROWN ASS MAN and he knows you PICK dog poop up. OR.... you TAKE your dog for a walk!!
And then his weight. Honestly I don't think it's his gut that makes him a little unattractive to you, I think it's the lack of trust and respect. Lack of trust is a SERIOUS libido killer. And AGAIN, you are not his mom..
YOU seriously need to ACCEPT that you can't CHANGE another person. You can teach them things, IF they are willing but change? HAS to come from the other person AT THEIR OWN free will.
YOU are looking for a way out, which means you are STAYING with him because you don't WANT to be the bad guy and end it. Hoping he will do dumb stuff so you feel it's OK to leave? WHY wait for that?
Don't you want MORE for yourself? You aren't getting much out of this relationship any more, so why stick around?
I understand trying to make it work, I do. But there are things you CAN'T fix.
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