A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A little background on my marriage, we've been together for 10 years and married for almost 5 and we have an almost 6 year old son. Before this we had only ever been intimate with each other.Back in December my wife and I seperated. I was dealing with some things after getting out of the army. Two deployments and 5 years were really getting to me. I was the one who asked for the separation. We had agreed not to sleep with other people until after the divorce, but dating was fine-ish. In April I told my wife that I was sorry and that I wanted her back and that I was willing to go to counseling, both marriage and my own. During our seperation I knew she had been dating another guy, but she assured me they had never had sex. We got back together at the end of March and we seperated again on 10 June. I told her that I didn't believe that she hadn't slept with this giy and that I needed to figure out how to trust her again. We slept together a few times and on Monday she went through my phone to see if I had been talking to any women. So I went through hers. While going through it I found out that she had slept with her "ex" on 12 June and that she had stayed there. I then also found out that they had been sleeping together since March when they were dating. I've spoken to the guy and he says when they first got together he didn't know that she was married and he really didn't know we were working things out. From what I saw in their texts, I believe him. The problem now is that I really want my marriage to work. I love her. But she says that she doesn't think what she did was cheating, either the first or the second time. I told her that I want to try to work through this, but I'm not sure how I can. I asked her to stay and she says that she needs to move out and into her own place. The question I guess is how am I supposed to trust her when she says that as long as we are "actively working" on our marriage there won't be another guy? I feel like this person I've been with for so long is someone I don't even know. I'm a wreck about all of this, part of me wants to make ot work, part of me wants to just let her go and hate her, and part of me really just wants to "get even" (which I know I won't do because that's just not who I am).
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 June 2015):
 I read your post a number of times, and I was going to respond one way, but it hit me like a ton of bricks that the real issue is the one BEHIND your marriage, and unless you pull it out from the background and onto the microscope, you'll struggle your entire life.
You're trying to handle the trauma you've received on your own. You had two deployments, you're young age wise, and this woman is your high school sweetheart. She is all you've ever known, and when you took this relationship, and you went overseas and your world expanded, and hers was one of raising a child alone, you both came back to the relationship as different people. This is before the separation.
You didn't know how to handle it, except that you were THIS close to breaking. It's common for someone who received trauma to focus on loved ones as the reason for needing a change, and she was applying pressure on you to engage in the family, which you felt you couldn't do emotionally.
You separated because you didn't know what to do...you're young, and no one gave you the game manual on how to be a dad, a veteran, a husband, and you felt like you had to be someone who doesn't fail, who can't look weak even when your innards were shattered like a car windshield.
Your move when you felt you couldn't take it anymore was to get away, but I'm guessing you wanted to separate until you felt you could get back to your bearings.
The problem with that is - no matter what "rules" your wife and you put in place for the separation, to her, you emotionally abandoned her, leaving her vulnerable to another man who sensed that and seemed to add what you were neglecting to. In your case, you thought she was handling life fine while you were cracking up, and you thought that you could beat this on your own and return as the man you thought you could be on your own.
Life just taught you otherwise. There's such a stigma on professional help, but it boils down to if you had your leg shattered in combat, you would think nothing about going to the doctor, having it set, and maybe checking into physical therapy. You have an emotional broken leg that never healed correctly, and instead of going to the specialist to help you get that healed properly and psychological therapy, you tried to do it on your own and couldn't realize why you weren't regaining emotional footing. Well, just like the unset broken leg, you had an unset emotional foundation that couldn't heal properly.
Now you're drowning in the water, and your wife has reached out in another direction to avoid her own breakdown. You can't neglect a spouse without there being effects to that. You were separated, and you initiated it.
So here's the both of you, floundering about, BOTH of you doing unhealthy things in this awful mess. BOTH of you young and green and never having any sort of road sign on how to deal.
Trust is secondary now to YOU getting healthy, but if the two of you make it back to each other, ever, it will be as different people, and you both will have to start over.
For now, you need to re-break your heart and go to a specialist to have it reset and to deal with the depression and trauma you dealt with that got you running in the first place. If you don't, then how can you trust yourself not to crack or flake out again? You need the skills. You need therapy. You need to be whole, and you aren't.
Do it for you and your son.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wasn't seeig anyone during either of our seperations. I did go out on a few dates, but I was really just kind of lost. The whole sex thing was something we both decided on after she requested it. I've no wish to keep her on a leash or to control her. I could get over the fact that she slept with him while we were seperated the first time. What really gets me is that she lied about it and then when I told her I didn't believe her and needed space, she slept with him again a day later. I don't have any anger issues, I don't yell often, the problem is that I'm just mentally exhausted. That's what led to the initial seperation.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 June 2015):
 Well, you really only have two choices:
1: trust her, forgive her, go to counseling (personal and marriage) and FIX what's not working.
2: stop playing the yo-yo game and get the divorce.
olderthandirt did hit the nail on the head, THE PRIORITY for BOTH of you should be your CHILD. Not revenge, not the back and forth/can't make up my mind, if I want to be married or not. How damaging do you think THAT might be? Even for a little fella?
I know how deployment can change a guy. I honestly haven't met a SINGLE soldier who didn't come back a little bit "different". My husband served 26 years, with several deployments, being medivac'd to Germany due to a TBI. When I finally got him home, he was an almost stranger in my husband's skin. It was hard (for him, for me and for the kids).
Separating from the military is also hard. NOT just on the soldier. EVERYTHING familiar is gone. *poof*
YOU need to deal with your OWN personal issues BEFORE trying to make it work. SHE needs to deal with ANY personal issues BEFORE she tries and make it work. SHE ran to her ex, which (to me) speaks louder than words. HE was her safety. Her rock. THAT should have been YOU.
Are you even sure she WANTS to make the marriage work? Or is this just about what YOU want. Because her ACTIONS says:" I'm kind of done with this marriage".
I'm NOT going to give her a free pas or make excuses for her, but I want to point out that I think she lied because she was afraid of how you would reacts if she had told you truthfully that she had slept with an ex. But facts are SHE did. So you have to decide IF you can forgive that and move forward or not. IF you are willing to forgive it - IT means you can't continue to bring it up over and over. And SHE can't see/sleep with/talk to this guy any more.
For her to move out is a GOOD thing. YOU need to FIX you, she needs to FIX her. You two can still go to marriage counseling TOGETHER, you can still spend time (no sex, not with each other, not with others) YOU TWO need CLEAR boundaries for this IF you BOTH want to salvage your marriage.
If she doesn't WANT to stay married, continue your OWN counseling. If you separated from the military on a med board - VA have counselors - MilitaryOneSource does too (should still be able to use those I believe) - but I would URGE you find a "support" group of Vets like yourself and talk about some of the stuff you went through and that affected you. A civilian counselor just won't GET it when it comes down to it. I say that because my husband was "evaluated" to have PTSD - and 2 different civilian contracted counselors couldn't "help" him. However, he does have a tight-knit group of Vets he talks to, vents to and listen/advice. It honestly seems to have helped the most. So SEEK help, if the first counselor you get suck, GET a new one, do NOT give up on yourself.
Hating and getting even... Pretty HUMAN emotions. But also two totally DETRIMENTAL choices. Hating her, will NOT make you feel better, it will NOT help you, her OR your child. Getting even? Won't help either. TWO WRONGS do not make a RIGHT.
Take her out to dinner (find a babysitter) and talk to her. Tell he what you would LIKE to see happening and how it might be achieved. But LISTEN to her. Make sure that SHE wants the same. Not just agreeing because she is scared of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2015): Well, the question is can you trust her? Can you rebuild that trust and hold her to her word? Best case scenario she sticks to her word and doesn't sleep with anyone, worst case scenario you trust her and she lies, then you figure out she wasn't worth trusting or even being with at all! Another question have you sat down and talked to her about why you feel this way and why she the way she does ( why it wasn't cheating or a big deal to her?) if anything it may give you more insight. Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2015): I am sorry, but I think the fact that you keep on breaking up with your wife has finally caused her to move on. Yes, she broke a "technical" rule you had unilaterally made for her during your separation. You obviously were both not on the same page with what was expected during the break.
You asked for a separation, and ok'd her to date, and were then jealous when she actually did. Then you tried to get back together to control her and make her yours again, and were upset when that failed. So you separated from her again, now that she is talking about moving on you want to have her back again?
I don't see that your actions indicate that you still love your wife, just that you want to control her and keep her on a leash. I assume you dated-ish while you were apart too, but then didn't like her doing the same thing, right?
I hope you do what is best for her now and let her move on. You are not stable for her, and you may want to look into counseling for yourself. I don't know if PTSD is an issue for you or not, but even sub-threshold cases can be life-altering. You may also want to check your anger.
Don't "get even". Don't "hate her" either. You made the decision for the first and second separations, and she finally had enough of it. Try to treat her with respect for the benefit of your child that will need you both in it's life.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (25 June 2015):
 whole lot of attention seems to be focused on who "slept with whom and when" As Shakespere said, Me thinks thou doth protest too loudly.. or close to that. anyway, who cares? The only one that matters is the kid. PERIOD!
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