A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I am a nearly 32 year old married female, no children. My husband constantly pulls me down. I am a sensitive person but his constant abuse is tiring me. He’s very OCD about our home. I run a business and he also works very hard at his job but I do what I can around the house to make sure the work is done and there are no arguments at the end of the dk. ay after an 12 hour shift 5 days a week. I just want love but all I get is criticism. Nothing is ever good enough for my husband. He wants more in all areas of his life. He wants an active wife, like himself (he gyms it every day after work at 5pm whilst I’m still working and manages Xbox sessions three times a week). He wants someone who takes their vitamins daily, works out daily, Cooks, cleans and walks the dog daily. He wants her to be happy all the time, non emotional, available when he wants her to be but also to leave him alone when he wants space. He wants her to look a certain way, have good skin, look athletic.. the list goes on. I’ve been wanting to start a family but every month when it comes down to actually making a child, the arguments start. I don’t turn him on, I’m not sexy enough, I do all the wrong things. Infront of friends he comes across charming. Sometimes he lets himself slip and they notice he’s a bit controlling over how much im drinking. He’s very good at not letting people see the real him, as soon as we are at home, he’s finding the first thing to have a go at me about that I’ve done wrong in the house.I’m finding I’m riddled with anxiety, I’ve been on and off antidepressants and I’m starting to hate myself. In fact, I do already. I feel I’ve lost a massive part of what makes me who I am and I’m scared I’m ruined forever and everyone I meet will see what he sees in me. I don’t know what to do. I already feel like I can’t cope with more people disliking me if I was to leave him, I can’t cope with the gossip and the questioning because all I want to do is lay low and hide from everyone, but I also feel like I can’t carry on for the rest of my life this depressed because I’m not sure what my mind is capable of. He’s already told me on many occasion I’m a snow flake and the tears are a put off, so please don’t ask me to try and talk to him, trust me.. I’ve said everything there is possible. I am not scared to say it how it is, it does nothing. unfortunately, my only option is to leave. The reason I don’t leave.. I have spent thousands on my home, my business runs from my home, I don’t want people to talk about me, I’m worried it will drag me in to a deeper hole than I’m already in.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 January 2021):
 Please believe me: this is not about you, it is about HIM. For whatever reason, he is an unhappy man and you are the person he takes this out on. That does not, in any way, excuse what he is doing to you because he sounds like an out and out bully. However, you must stop believing what he says is in any way a reflection of reality. You are not responsible for his shortcomings.
If you can run your business from home, you can run it from elsewhere (a rented office space or another home). If you divorce, you will be entitled to a settlement (probably at least 50% of what you two have together) so you will not be left penniless. Anyone who talks about you will only do it for a short while, then move on to something else. Why would anyone's opinion matter to you? They are not living your hellish life so they have no right to criticize your decisions. I suspect you will find that most people won't be interested for more than a very short while. People have their own lives to live and soon get bored of what others are doing/have done.
The biggest problem here is that you actually believe what your husband says about you. He could be married to the most beautiful saintly woman to walk this earth, yet he would still find fault with her and try to belittle her. This is all about HIM, not the person being bullied by him.
Please do not try to have a child with this dreadful man because that will just delay your ability to break free from him. You deserve so much better. Stop believing what he says, remember who you once were and can be again, and envisage the life you would like to live. You can do this; all you need is to believe in yourself.
A
female
reader, Beets  +, writes (4 January 2021):
 Oh friend, if he is like this with you, I shudder to imagine what kind of self esteem basher he would be to his children. Or, he would be the father that actively turns the kids against you. Keep in mind - he CHOSE you. He decided you were the woman he wanted to be married to. If he can turn on someone he chooses, I can't imagine what he would do to little children he did not choose.It's time to really look at who you are partnered with. Verbal abuse never gets better, it only gets worse with time. As someone else said, find a lawyer to help you separate this mess. This man is not going to improve. He is abusive. Nobody deserves this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2021): Typo corrections:
"The way I see it, you can do bad all by yourself! Do you need help from some asshat who can't see anything, but what's wrong with you, and never what's best?"
Of course, we all need constructive-criticism; but consider the source, and the motives and intentions behind it. If he wants a trophy-wife, maybe that isn't you. Perfection only exists in heaven, and He's called God!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2021): Let me start with a couple of suggestions. Don't lose touch with the reality of things; just because HE can only see your faults. Don't ask DC for advice; then tell us what not to suggest! You've given him super-human powers! He puts his pants on one-leg at a time, and uses the toilet like Lottie, Dottie, and anybody else!!! He's a bully! All bullies have weaknesses!
You may have tried things, but you didn't do it with courage or determination. If you don't succeed, you keep trying until you do! You're a businesswoman, you know the success of a business requires perseverance and dogged-determination to keep it alive. Even if you don't make money the first year or two; you must keep at it, until you can see your head above water! Failure often comes from giving-up too soon! Never go-down without a fight! Get on your knees and pray for help!!!
You collapse and easily surrender to him, full of fear and intimidation. Believing every filthy comment that spews out of his narcissistic-mouth! Even worse, you make excuse after excuse for not facing up to him. The usual reasoning, is fear of a divorce and being alone. Clinging to a mean brute who does nothing but tear you to pieces with nasty criticism and crush your spirit with his verbal-abuse.
It will stop when you decide enough is enough! You are not as helpless as you make yourself out to be. Yes, he's mean and he's a man! He's not a god, he's a human being! You exercise your rights through the legal-system, and you seek protection through law-enforcement when you are physically over-powered; or when you find yourself intimidated and threatened by his unmanaged-temper and aggression.
Who gets the house is decided by a judge; you don't know the outcome until you undergo divorce-proceedings. I suggest you talk to a lawyer; and then decide what is feasible, or what's best for your business. In the majority of divorce cases, assets are split. You may get more if he earns more; and if you find yourself a savvy divorce attorney.
Yes, you may be alone; and you may have to go through a series of disappointments when you're thrust back into singleness and dating. Life is chock full of challenges and obstacles. God puts us through a little hell, to give us survival-skills, and to build up our tolerance and strength to fight evil. They way I see it, you can do bad all by yourself. Do you need help from a some asshat who can't see anything but what's wrong with you, and never what's best?
He doesn't really love you for you; if he spends most of his time reprogramming you, and persistently doing makeovers! If you loved yourself, you'd be a work in-progress without any need for his suggestions! Better yet, all his negativity would be repelled; because eventually you'd realize that his control over your feelings comes from belittling you to make you feel useless or imperfect. You better have a better sense of yourself or self-awareness than that, my dear lady!
If he wants the female-image of himself, kick him to the curb; and let him go find her! You were fearfully and wonderfully made by God! You can't shapeshift, transform, and remodel yourself to fit every mold or blueprint designed by some arrogant-crackpot with oversized-testicles and a lot of gall!
You saw all this in him when you met, but you thought love and marriage would change him didn't you? Turns-out, he's the one self-appointed to change YOU!!!
Sometimes it's possible (but rarely) to work-out a bad marriage; but that requires both of you to be dedicated to doing that. It requires true-love and trust! When you are under constant duress to the point it affects your physical and mental health; you are on the brink of a an emotional-breakdown, which could render you incurably-disabled. Unable to function or work to support yourself. Then he'll end-up leaving the mess he made of you anyway!!!
God abhors divorce, but he allows exceptions. He does not expect women (or men) to endure domestic-violence, psychological-abuse, viciousness, or adulterous-spouses. Many who come here are Catholic, or of religions that don't allow divorce. You are forced to choose between your survival and well-being; or staying with a man or woman who'd drive you to madness, if not an early grave!!! You can't withstand this indefinitely! He's forcing you to leave him! Well, you'll make that decision when you've had just about enough. Tick-tock, tick-tock...the clock is ticking! The countdown has begun! It's only a matter of time now!
Oh, stop with that nonsense about not being any good for anyone else, because of his trash-talk! Everyone has their own opinions and an anal orifice! We are all individuals, who see what we see with our own set of eyes! Everyone draws their own conclusions based on the facts and evidence before them. Your husband can't send-out evil radio-waves to the brains of all other men to make their minds and brains conform to what he sees and thinks of you! Don't give-in to such thinking, it's totally unrealistic. It paralyzes you and makes you a victim powerless to his control. His toxicity has permeated your bloodstream, and you've lost all sense of self. Girlfriend, you need Jesus!
Get down on your knees and ask the Lord for courage, guidance, and peace of mind. I advise you to get yourself a good lawyer. Don't decide what you can or cannot do; until you hear from God, and after seeking legal-consultation to decide how to preserve your business and livelihood. Yes, you may lose some things; but peace of mind and good-health are things money can't buy, my dear!
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