A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello! I’m looking for a bit of advice about a man who isn’t very emotionally expressive (or maybe just not that into me). I have been ‘dating’ a guy for three months now, seeing each other only when allowed because of COVID (around 5 dates) but consistently communicating on the phone. Our phone calls are hours long and we have great intellectual and physical chemistry. We speak about our families, our past, perspectives on life, everything. I just don’t feel any emotion from him towards me specifically. He doesn’t say he misses me or gives me any verbal affirmation that would let me know he really likes me or cares about me. When I asked him what he wants out of romantic relationships generally (whether it’s me or not) he said he doesn’t know. He says if he thinks a girl is attractive, he’ll ask her out, if it’s good he keeps seeing them and it could grow and if it’s not, it won’t. I can’t argue with his logic, but as a girl who seeks meaningful connections from the get-go, I feel frustrated by his ‘take it or leave it’ attitude. The only reason I have hung around so far is because I think he is a decent, honest person overall (cares about and shows up for his friends and family, treats people nicely) and we generally have a great connection. I thought he might just not be very emotionally forthcoming and that something could grow if I just go with it. I’ve known him as an acquaintance for years and he has had a ten-year-long relationship so it’s possible that he isn’t scared of commitment or emotionally distant with everyone.What do I do next? Do I call it a day and leave or wait patiently for him to potentially care more or be expressive as time goes on? Do I wait until I can see him in person again to get a better judgement of him? Do I confront him? I like him, but I need that vulnerability and emotional attachment! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2021): It sounds like he is trying to avoid commitment. That could be because he doesn’t like you as much as you wish he did, or it could be because he is genuinely afraid of commitment.He’s getting older and I’m sure the last thing he wants is another long relationship that ends in heartbreak. Before he commits to somebody again, he wants to feel certain. And until he feels that certainty, he will avoid giving you the affection you’re craving. He knows that if he does then you’ll be in a committed relationship in no time and that scares him.Because it’s strange times due to covid, it might be worth it for you to be patient and wait to see if your relationship with him turns in to more once things start to be normal again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2021): (1) "Our phone calls are hours long and we have great intellectual and [physical chemistry.]"
Clear indication there's a sexual-component to this connection between you. You attach emotion to sex, and apparently he doesn't. That doesn't mean he's not a great guy. He's just not as into you as you're into him. He likes you, and finds you physically-attractive. You're also a little pushy.
(2) "When I asked him what he wants out of romantic relationships generally (whether it’s me or not) he said he doesn’t know."
This is clearly dodging and avoiding any attempt to corner him into any deep emotional-commitment. He prefers to call the shots, and he's subtly setting the pace of how things progress. How fast or slow is at his own discretion.
He can see you've got "puppy-love" notions and "fairytale-perceptions" about love and relationships; and he is not even close to compatible romance-wise. He's not really the guy you're looking for. His indifference or noncommittal casual-attitude only means he's not taking any of this seriously; and I would speculate you coerced him into all this. Sex was probably a perk. If he initiated this, sex was probably his only motive.
I suspect that you're trying to turn a "friendship" into a romance. He knows what he wants, it just might not be with you. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings by being too blunt or straightforward. He's definitely being evasive. I sense his intentions are questionable; and he might be leading you on somewhat.
(3) "The only reason I have hung around so far is because I think he is a decent, honest person overall (cares about and shows up for his friends and family, treats people nicely) and we generally have a great connection."
He's familiar, accessible (possibly lives in close proximity), an acquaintance since childhood, convenient like fishing in a barrel; and there was little or no trouble in breaking the ice. As I mentioned, it's not absolutely certain that he's not leading you on, but he is likely using you. That is, if you're having sex.
Conclusion:
You're friends with benefits.
You just haven't caught-on yet. Apparently, you've always had a crush on him. He must have noticed how you're all grown-up; and you've filled-out exceptionally well over the last 10 years. You're pressuring him to show some sign of emotional-attachment, or romantic-interest. He can't, because those kind of feelings might not really be there. Nothing much beyond an established long-term friendship. If sex is available, he sees no reason to turn it down. He's a man, and you're a woman; and sex is consensual. Until you decide not to offer it anymore.
My advice. If you've got to pressure, prod, or coerce someone to get them to reciprocate your feelings; you're wasting your time, and placing your your heart at risk. I'd stop trying, and move on. He's not the guy!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2021): I would suggest that you try not to 'change' him, we are all individuals, with different needs and desires.I have always believed that there is no harm in just letting things unfold in their own time. I don't believe in pushing or demanding answers to something that nobody really knows the answers to.A relationship flourishes or it does not, couples gel and connect or they just don't. Some couples are willing to just trust been in the moment and if it's good, bring in the next day together, while some are intent on screwing up the good moments by demanding an outpouring of the future when it is unnecessary and spoils the moment, the hear and now. This can strangle the free-spirited feeling of love and turns into possessive love. If we loose the fears associated with risking love, we can overcome all of it's negative mind games of what if' why not try to trust YOU, for example if you are feeling happy and they cause you no harm or harm to others, then why feel the need to force answers.Although I understand what you are saying about wanting to establish a deep and meaningful connection, and you don't yet have that affirmation as such, he could have lied to you and said what you wanted to hear. Far better to her the truth and accept that in the fullness of timeyour relationship will develop naturally either way.Expression comes in many forms and so does love, it's not a text book, enjoy watching the seed that may blossom, if not, plant another.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 January 2021):
 He could say "I miss you" and not mean it, would that be better?
How much older than you is he? I'm guessing 5+? I ask because you mention him having had a 10 year relationship, and you are in the age bracket of 22-25.
What you are hoping for might never materialize. It might BE why he is single. You have no idea. Could be his ex broke up because he didn't "emote" enough. That SHE waited around in the relationship for 10 YEARS in hopes he would get more emotionally involved.
With that said, it sounds like he is just really wanting to take it slow because HE knows the VALUE of taking the time to get to know someone. 5 dates spread out on 3 months is not a really that long. Even if you add all the phone conversations, you don't know him that well and HE doesn't know YOU that well either.
Is he INTERSTED in getting to know you better? When you talk does he ASK about you or just talk about him? Do you show interest in him?
Do you two share things in common?
Do you talk easily? Can you see yourself dating him AS HE IS (as far as you know)?
I think he knows that jumping into things too fast doesn't work out.
If you CAN see yourself dating him, KEEP sex out of the picture until you feel there is more of an investment on his end. Emotionally. And don't give more than you get.
Set a time limit. Take it as it comes too. The whole notion of "instant relationships and love" doesn't really exist. It's instant LUST. Relationships takes time to build, sure they can happen faster and slower. The thing is, IF he feels a need to take this slow and not rush, can YOU do the same?
You might not have tried that before. Which is why it feels different.
And it might just be that HE isn't as into you as you are into him. Or it might be that he is quite RUSTY about dating as he was previously in a 10 year relationship.
Lastly, He can be a GREAT guy overall, but not a good fit for you. And that is OK too.
If you feel he just isn't giving you enough to "work" with, then decide if it's enough or if you want more. If you want more, MAYBE he isn't the one for you.
Don't expect him to do a 180 and ALL of a sudden be super expressive, perhaps THIS IS who he is?
While he sounds nice and all, he doesn't sound like he thinks this will go anywhere. But that is YOUR perspective that shines through your post, I think.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2021): Sounds like he would be a great guy to have as a friend. But as a romantic partner, not so much.
Under ordinary circumstances I would say it may be time to call it a day. But these aren't ordinary times
Perhaps before you call it quits you give this one a little more time. At least until things get a little more "normal" then you can see where things go.
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