A
female
age
36-40,
*jw86
writes:I'll try and explain this as simple as I can :)Right, am 29 years of age and when I was a little girl, I had a best friend who is a boy and we where the best of friends since the age of 6 up until we where 13, we had sleep overs, we where best friends in school..he was the greatest friend anyone could ask for..even his mum and my mum where good friends as they knew each other growing up..and even to this day..my 34 year old sister and his 34 year old cousin are best friends, so he will always be in my life at some point and we are bound to cross paths even now that where both nearly 30. Anyway, I've explained how we know each other..now ill explain the problem.2 years ago me and my family attended his close relatives funeral (we all knew her) and I had not seen my childhood friend for years..we grew apart since we both went to seperate schools and just never crossed paths for a while) and we got talking and somehow he ended up spending the night at mine and from then on we ended up dating. To me this seemed perfect..our family knew each other..I knew him all my life..it just seemed to good to be true...but then I noticed he wasn't the same boy I grew up with :(. I noticed that he didn't seem that into me, and when I would bring this up with him, like his lack of showing he cared, he would just get in his car to drive away and I would somehow have to be the one who begged him not to go and to talk things through because he had openly admitted that he was the type to never chase a girl and if we argued he would just go and never get in touch again..to me this was strange because he told me he loved me..but he warned me that he is stubborn and he's never gonna change, so that was that and I just stayed with him, hoping he might change. As the months went on..I noticed little things about him, like his lack of empathy in certain situations, like we would be watching something on the telly, a prison show where a man was being taunted and threatened with rape, and he was laughing and I thought that was a weird time to be laughing..was just little things like that, like he just doesn't not show any emotion..even when I explain my feelings and confusion about how he can say he loves me, but then he can just forget me and never get in touch again, after a slight argument, so I carried on our relationship on egg shells, not wanting to argue Incase I never seen himAgsin. Well the final straw was when me and him went on a day out..I had heels on and we where walking on cobbles coming from the pub to the taxi rank and I asked him to hold my hand, he said "no, I don't like all that in public" and I said it wasn't a showing of thing, I genually needed help getting over the cobbles, anyway he refused and I fell over cutting my knee, I looked up st him from the ground and said "I just needed your hand to help" and crying with embarrassment we both got in the taxi where I basically argued with him and the whole time he was just so emotionless and wes not sorry, if anything he was still defending himself saying "you know I don't like holding hands" well anyway I told him I never wanted to see him agsin and I jumped out taxi and went home, he went to his localPub and carried on his night. Well the next day..I had not heard a thing fromHim...and guess who called who..yes me, and somehow after me talking to himAnd explaining how I only wanted him to help me over the cobbles..we ended up back together..and you know what..he still never apologised..I know..am stupid :(. Anyway after 9 months together, o finally had had enough of his lack of caring, his stubbornness and him always thinking he was right, I finally had ended it over text. Because the day before he stormed out of mine again and got in his car and I had to coax him back into my flat coz I knew if I didn't give in, I'd never see him again. But that night he went out with his friends and was messaging that he loves me...and was being so soppy and loving because he was drunk and that was it for me..I ended it..I shouldn't have to sit for him to be drunk for him to be the man I love..he was lovely and caring when he was drunk..but totally different when sober, now don't get me wrong, we used to cuddle and kiss..when watching a movie and in bed, but other then that..he didn't really make effort, or make me feel that I was special. So anyway after I told him that I have had enough..that I need a man who is proud to have me..who is proud to hold my hand..and that its over..I never heard from him again that was a year and a half ago...but then I seen him 2 nights ago..my sister, her best friend (his cousin) where having a drink in my sisters and somehow got to talking about him and my sisters friend was saying she is sad how we never stayed together as it would of been perfect, well anyway him and his cousin are really close they where on phone together and after asking me if it was ok..she invited him down and he arrived..we hugged and where ok with each other..he took me aside and said he was sorry how it ended and his own words where "am sorry, I know am a c***' and he basically hugged me and I thought at least he is admitting it to my face. Anyway he ended up back at mine and stayed the night and we ended up cuddling all day next day in bed watching movies, he was kissing my head, stroking my face, just being so affectionate and at 5pm he went home and said "I'll text you later" bye text me the next day and I replied..then he waited half hour then messaged back, and this was like that for 2.5 hours, conversation was weak and he just didn't seem interested, he asked what I was up to at one point and I said nothing, and he said he was doing nothing..then I thought he might of then said you want to do something?..but he never..I have a feeling he was prob hinting me to ask...which I wasn't going to...I already made so much effort in the past..I've had enough of games..if he wants to see me..he will have to make the move..but after our strained talk over messages today,,the conversation just ended and he just never messaged back...am so confused...i just want him to love me and care about me.Can anyone offer any advise?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2015): I think you have hit the nail on the head... He will never put himself out for any woman because he is probably batting for the other side and despises the need to live a charade.Interestingly enough this was the situation for many women in the UK in Victorian times. It was the reason men retired to the drawing room to discuss politics.A way of sorting out and establishing relationships and hierarchies.These days of course men can just be men. They don't need a woman to prop them up or to make them socially acceptable.I'm glad you are looking at him in a different light now because it is unhealthy for women to allow men to take their sense of judgement from them.He really sounds uncaring and uncouth.Don't get drawn into a fascinating repulsion.You deserve someone who is proud of you and who you can be proud of united in affection towards one another, and every so often remember the things women had to put up with in the past and resolve that bad treatment will stay in the past because women fought hard to gain equality.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 December 2015):
 My advice is painful. LET HIM GO.
He's not the boy you loved. He's a nasty selfish self-centered "man" who will take what you give him as long as you are willing to do it on his terms.
Stop rowing the relationship boat. Wait for him to contact you... when he does if he wants to take you out for dinner or something say yes... if he wants sex.. say NO.... see what happens.
do NOT sit around and wait for this call as it's not going to happen.
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A
female
reader, Tjw86 +, writes (29 December 2015):
Tjw86 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you also for your reply.I don't think he is capable of loving anybody, so I don't feel as bad, like i could sit here thinking oh it's me..but I genually see the way he is and acts and I know no girl will put up with him! He hasn't dated anyone in the year and a half that we have split. And I think that is because as he says..he knows he's mean and he says he is stubborn and would not chase any girl. These answers are really helping thank you. I honestly cannot wait till I am in a loving relationship and we bump into him, I know it's childish but it will feel great. But knowing the way he is, I don't think he will be too bothered or upset, he is to sure of himself to let any type of emotions hit him.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (29 December 2015):
 There isn't really a kind way to put this. He really just doesn't care about you one way or another. He's happy to have you chase after him but he isn't going to lift a finger to do anything for you because it isn't important enough for him. Why should you keep trying? Its time to throw in the towel, and walk away. You cannot make someone love you no matter what you do. He isn't deserving of your love so don't waste your time. Love yourself enough to end things and seek out true happiness with a man who will care about you and love you the way that you deserve.
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A
female
reader, Tjw86 +, writes (29 December 2015):
Tjw86 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply :)
I think I know deep down he really isn't, it's just a horrible feeling when you like someone who doesn't really care for you at all. To be honest he only cares for himself, he is a classic narcissist. He hasn't messaged since yest and when he does I'll be very nochalant, I can't be rude because I need to be civil coz I know we are bound to cross paths one day, but I will never invite him back to mine anymore, no matter how good we get on
And talk about our memories, I'll be the only one hurt in the long run :( xx
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 December 2015):
 He is not the person you want him to be, regardless of your childhood connection. He is what he is, emotionless, uncaring, and not interested in long deep and meaningfuls by text.
When you were in a relationship with him two years ago he told you he would not chase a girl after an argument, and he has since shown you that is true.
If you want a relationship where all the work is done by you, all the giving, all the loving and all the caring is done by you, then he is the guy for you.
If you really want a relationship with a man who will love you and care for you then this guy is not the one for you.
Don't walk away from him but run, as fast as you can, and don't look back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2015): perhaps you intended to live your life as a character in a novel with little or no control over your life ; but you need to remind yourself that you are the author of your life and are perfectly capable of making a decent future.It doesnt matter how you originally knew this person..he is no longer a friendly boy and he is a man, just as you are no longer a helpless little girl.you shouldnt have to be scratching in the sand for tokens of affection such as stroking hair and a cuddle here and there.You should have a bank of loving and warm guestures that are all a natural part of your life,The heartfelt rendering of his casual disattention to your shoe predicament whilst walking on a traditional cobbled path is definately cinematogaphic and i am sure you have great capacity to see , feel and hear the nuances of your story.It is worthy of a victorian horror film.you have fallen in love with the anti hero ..a man with unnatural and base desires and although your heart trembles in your breast you are bound by a childhood loyalty and expectations of others.But be warned little princess, this is an abhorrent trap.He derives his true pleasure from hurting you.Fast forward to the century we are now in.You are no longer bound by the gentle feelings of the fairer sex.You can give him kick ass marching orders..you can block him and delete him and move on.you can operate in the most feministic ball breaking fashion.You can make lara croft weep with her inadequacies as you send this sceptre of a person flying to the wall.You can text him" this isnt working out sweetie...bye bye i gotta a life to lead..places to go, people to meet , things to do etc"And then turning to page twenty two of the novel you willl see that was exactly what our heroine was supposed to do.If you flick forward just a little and take a peak you will see that our heroine meets the true hero , but for now a subtle bit of mourning is appropriate to mark the termination of the would be bad guy s engagement to the heroine.A little blusher however indicates that all is not lost ..the true hero is already thinking of reasons why that man is not good enough for you..and he knows how to make a girl feel happy.
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