A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:PLEASE PLEASE ANSWER...and im sorry if its lengthy.So ive been in a LDR for 2 and a half years now. Ive been to see him a couple of times usually for 2 sometimes 3 weeks in a row. He is the love of my life, I cant ever see myself without him and the thought of losing him devastates me.The one thing I have an issue with it that me I love to talk, im not one who will tell everyone whats on my mind and how im feeling but him I do it automatically without even thinking but he doesnt. He doesnt like to talk about feelings and not even with me. Thanks to this I tell him all the time how much I love him, how much he means to me, how attractive he is, I often reminise (cant spell but im sure u know the word) in memories and so on but he doesnt and as a result of this I often feel neglected and like maybe he doesnt want me (I must add I am an incredibly insecure person in soo many ways that I slowly destroyed myself inside but have been seeing a counsellor now for a few sessions but still need so much more as I cant seem to shake certain thoughts - main one being my body...Im not a skinny girl, I am overweight and my bf prefers chubbier girls but I cant seem to accept that...the one killing me right now is the movie sucker punch, the second he said he downloaded it my heart sank and I cried cuz all I thought was he downloaded that cuz its full of gorgeous girls with perfect bodies and he'd rather watch them and fantasize over them and be more attracted to them...this very second its still killing me, so if anyone can help me on that too id very much appreciate it)Back to the story though the way I usually get past this is by asking him straight out..am I pretty? do you want me? do you love me? what do you think of me? I am totally aware this isnt really right but its like I cant stop myself from doing it...I kinda just think to myself dont do it then next thing I know Ive already spit it out. Ofcourse I ask him many different questions knowing ofcourse what I want to hear and ofcourse yet again it backfiring on me 9 outta 10 times and me being more angry than I started, its a horrible process which I am aware of but im hoping with some help in couselling I stop it.Well my besides his lack of communication with me the one thing that bugs me about him is he has no motivation, he seems to think that hes going to work in canadian tire for the rest of his life and basically not being able to make ends meet and struggling for cash, food, heat (like his parents) and I disagree. He doesnt know what he wants to do in life and no matter what I say to him about hes only young he doesnt have to know right this second he doesnt want to hear it. Im one of those people who just want to live in a decent house/apartment in a nice area and have financial security...I dont want to worry about being able to afford anything but I dont mean that I want to be rich or anything you know. But him he doesnt care and he has gotten so much worse lately that its driving me insane.Well tonight I had a breakthrough, he told me hes depressed and that he hates his life. He went to his mum and asked her if she will take him to the doctors to see someone in the hope he gets 'happy' pills, he told me the last stray was when something happened in work where he took a gardenin tool that you twist in the ground and held it to his stomach and turned it as it scared him...it scared me to so yeah.His mum came into his room and I heard some things she said and it was all the things I say to him (not tonight but in the past) about jobs and school and money and stuff and he just kept arguing with her and I agreed fully with her he just doesnt want to listen.Well so he opened up to me in that sense which I was totally thankful for but that was it, he told me how nothing and no-one makes him happy anymore, I even asked if I make him happy and he just repeated no-one makes me happy anymore and said that he doesnt even get erect in the mornings when he wakes or when he sees me at times when he normally would but that was all I got because he stopped right there...that was all I was getting.So what I want to know is how do I help him?I questioned how he felt about me thanks to this but he was like no I love you I just hate my life right now so its kinda killing me because thanks to my own problems (and I have a very mild depression to, no where near as bad as him) my mind is all over the place wondering if its my fault, is he still attracted to me, does he want me and much more.I want to help him so badly...the one thing that always put a smile on my face was knowing that he was there for me and was happy and loved me but now I dont have that because hes not anymore and I just want him to be happy. I dont know how!!!I dont want to make him worse and Im scared to death that I lose him and I dont know I just want to help him, can anyone please tell me how to help him, please!Ive given as much info for this situation I can think of...I really need the help. If the answer is that I have to let him go then I will because his happiness means the world to me. It'll kill me yes but atleast hes happy but see idk what the problem is and clearly as you can see I blame myself (its most likely I shouldnt as its not me but ofcourse Im insecure and throughout my life Ive always been told everything is my fault therefore I assume it in everything - and yes this is my therapy talking)Sorry for the length of this but please help me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, honestman  +, writes (4 April 2011):
Well, most of the guys out there have a very hard time expressing their feelings to other persons, even to their best friends! It is a very bad habit most of us males have, but we can't do much because our brains are hardwired to be like that.
Regarding sucker punch movie, just chill out. It is just a movie, with CG effects, and digitally enhanced girls. Most of them are full of make up and photoshoped.
My girlfriend gets jealous of Milla Jovovich. I tell her I like her the same way she likes other artist. Also, I tell her that she is just a fantasy, and she is out of my league.
Don't think your boyfriend takes too serious the girls on sucker punch. If he hast told you that he likes chubby girls... believe him!
My girlfriend thinks she is the ugliest girl on earth. She thinks so because all her family is blond with blue/green eyes, and she is the only one that has black hair and brown eyes. Most of family members have compared her with her sister who is blond and blue eyes, and told her she was ugly, or even adopted. I have told her she is the most beautiful girl in the world [at least for me], and that I like her because she is very smart [and many people say she is dumb].
Remember: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If your boyfriend see you beautiful, please, feel comfortable about it, enjoy it, and think yourself you are the most beautiful woman in the world, at least for him.
"So what I want to know is how do I help him?"
There is not much you can do for him. He has to seek for help. He needs to reach the bottom of his problem. There is nothing you can do about it. The only think you can possibly do, is standing by him, the same way he stood by you when you had troubles or felt bad. If a person with a problem seeks help and makes an effort by himself, then his recovery is much more faster than someone without the will to recover.
"is he still attracted to me, does he want me and much more."
I bet he is still attracted to you. And I think he loves you very much. Being deeply depressed is something that have serious repercussions in your life. If he can't get an erection, it is possible that his depression is the one responsible for that. Once he overcomes his depression, you'll see he will have hard erections as before.
"I just want him to be happy. I dont know how!!!"
Your boyfriend is only responsible for his own happiness, no one else. You can aid a little giving him your love, patience, and care. But he is the one that needs to decide to be happy. Also, you are also responsible for your own happiness, and no one else. So don't blame your boyfriend if you feel unhappy. You should start for blaming on your own negative thinking. Try taking the positive things out of seemingly negative events. Tell yourself every day hundreds of times, at least for a month, "I am the happiest person in the world" , and see if that helps you. If it helps you, then try teaching this technique to your boyfriend, and he might feel better.
Also, you said you have a mild depression. So do I. My girlfriend went 300 miles away from my town, and I haven't seen her in 6 months. I have been depressed all that time. Recently, I started taking a natural anti depressant, which is made of St. John wort , called Remotiv. It has absolutely no side effects at all, and it is easy to get over the counter [and quite cheap ]. It works since the first day you take it. You should take 1 pill after dinner before you go to sleep.
My personal experience with Remotiv is that, before it, I felt somewhat down every day. But after taking it, I got in a neutral state. I didn't felt bad, neither good. I felt neutral. Being neutral is far better than feeling bad. It doesn't gets you euphoric, and does not solve your problems, but at least it will help you to function as you normally do. Notice that this wort is only to be used on light to moderate depressions. If your boyfriend has a deep depression, I'd suggest for him to go to a professional.
I only suggest this medicine for you. You wont believe me how much better you feel. Although I still suggest you continue going with your counselor.
You said "clearly as you can see I blame myself"
You don't have to blame yourself. This is none of your fault. Your boyfriend also does not have the fault of being depressed. You don't need to blame some one for this situation. You need to better be proactive, and give him your support, your affection, your love. That will help him do better. Blaming yourself will not.
Also, I really don't think you are ugly. I have not met an ugly woman in my life. The only thing I have seen, are thousands of woman that think themselves as ugly because the TV or a cheap magazine tells them so. Please don't buy the idea that size zero girls are beautiful. Please don't. Real woman have curves.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7WlbfjcFog
I hope this helps, and that your boyfriend gets better!
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (4 April 2011):
 He is facing depression and he has to face it and fight it by himself. He needs to think about getting professional help. What you need to do is be there for him, let him know that you will always be there for him, he needs support whether he knows it or not, whether he wants it or not, he needs it. In time it will change and you will have your happy boyfriend again, this time perhaps he will be more willing to express himself.
I hope that helps.
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