A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a 5 kids and recently split with husband. My ex is from 15 years ago. We were engaged etc. I left him not because I didn't love him or he love me that's for sure. It was because of a bad habit he had that I thought me leaving him might make him wake upto himself. It was so hard to do. I had to turn my heart to ice pretty much, but the ice melted and the feelings came flooding back like a raging river.I can never get over him, beleive me I have tried. Even thinking about him makes my heart pound still 15 years later :(He is now married though and I know his wife and I know she tried to crack onto him when we were together still. I kind of blame her for us not being together all these years as we were on the right track to getting back together when I found out he had started seeing her suddenly. I feel she had no right and should have let us try again.He is my soul mate, my one true love. Yes I love my husband (separated), well I did, not sure anymore if I still do but nothing like my ex. Oh and I didn't split with my husband because of this, it was something he did that I can't forgive him for...at least not yet.My ex never did anything to hurt me and I hurt him terribly :( I have paid the price. I started dating my husband once I found out about her and was engaged a few months later. Don't know that i'd call it rebound as we had already been broken up over a year but it was likely a rebound in a way as he had just started seeing this other thing. She is also his best freinds ex and she cheated on his best freind in the past which we all knew about which is why they broke up.They have 2 children together. I don't know that i want to start anything with him, but I would like to know if he's O.K, if he's happy and if he feels he chose the correct life path. I have his home phone number and an email adress that belongs to them both. I don't want to cause any problems in their relationship though. I don't want to be the one to break up a family.I also realy miss the relationship I had with his dad. His nan and pop passed away over the last few years and I am so upset I never got to tell them how special they were to me. I have been tempted to send his father a christmas card and let him know just how much I loved and still love him (like a father, the closest to a father I have ever had). I think of his father like he is my own father even now. We had a very special bond. He would tell me things and ask me things he wouldn't even ask his own sons. I just adored him.How do I make contact with my ex without his wife knowing? I can't find either of them on facebook nor any members of his imediate family. I can't ring in case his wife answers. i don't know his work hours even!I just realy need to speak to him :(
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female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (22 December 2008):
 I do not think you should contact this man as I feel that the reason you feel so compelled to contact him at all is out of a deep sorrow for where your life is right now. Often when we are at our lowest we reach out to those we cared about in the past to remember those good times and bolster our self esteem. I recently received a letter from a young man I was friends with back in high school who located me now that his own marriage if faltering. We have talked several times and I am a nice support for him going through this mess. I know I contacted a couple of old boyfriends (and several lost friends!) from my past when my marriage was falling apart. Not because I wanted to get back together with them, but becuase I was feeling so lost and adrift and I needed some grounding. I did not feel a NEED to do so like you seem to be feeling though. That is what is concerning me here ~ your NEED. Just trust that this man has his own life now that he is happy with and you are not a part of it.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 December 2008):
 I think we're probably all misunderstanding each other. You want suggestions on how to contact him without blowing up his marriage. We are suggesting to you to not do that, to instead figure out why you feel this compelling need to know how he is right at this moment in your life.
My default is to assume that everyone from my past is living a happy, healthy, productive life. This is not always the case, as I keep learning from various high school and college reunions. It saddens me to hear that someone has split up with their spouse, that someone is going through a rough patch mentally or physically, or that their children have problems. But I don't obsess over needing to know, does that make any sense?
If I run into someone who may know this person, I will ask about him or her, and ask that person to extend greetings to him or her and the family involved. Have you ever done this?
I have dreams sometimes about people from my past. Generally, I wake up and realize that they have popped into my subconscious because of some issue I'm dealing with right now. Or that there's a little gap in my life that this person somehow mentally fills. But I don't race to the phone to call them or try to figure out where they are. Instead, I sit down and ponder how I can improve where I am or maybe work out what it is that needs attention.
So we're not questioning that you have strong feelings for this man who was an important part of your life, as was his family. We're just wondering why you feel compelled to act on them. How is knowing his current status going to affect your life right now? Will it set your mind at ease to know he's happy and healthy and in love with his wife and adores his children? Or will it make you unhappy to learn he's moved on from you?
Will it comfort you that maybe he's pined for you all these years and realizes that he made a huge mistake by not trying to get you back? That would mean that he's been living a lie all these years, and therefore is unhappy, and miserable. Is that really a good thing?
We all make life decisions that set us on a different path. There are probably hundreds of such decisions in each life, if not thousands. So you regret this path you're on, it sounds to me. You don't regret the detour (as I think you consider it) that gave you your wonderful children. But you want to retrace the steps you took years and years ago.
I think if you really want his dad to know how you felt and still feel about him, you could write a nice letter to him. Then hang on to it for a while, don't mail it, and work all this out.
There's some unfinished business you're struggling with, is all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't want to see him, just speak to him over the phone or email. He lives a couple of hours away but his family are virtually my neighbours. (not imediate family, but still family).
I get the feeling my post has been taken wrong. I don't want an affair with him or anything, that would just make my life that much harder. I am dealing with enough with my marriage break up.
Yes I still love him, no I will never get over him but I have accepted that we are not meant to be together in this life time.
That doesn't stop me caring though and wanting the best for him. Afterall, that was why I broke up with him in the first place, because I wanted to help him in any way I could to get over his habit. Me leaving was hoped to be a wake up call and it killed me to do it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionpvtguy- The only reason I want to contact him without his wife knowing is BECAUSE I don't want to cause problems for them. She knows who I am, she knows our history, she knows we were engaged etc. I doubt she would be too happy if she KNEW I contacted him.
I did run into his old best friend Thursday but he was drunk so don't know if he will remember. But I did ask him to find out for me how my ex is and let him know I am sorry about his grandparents etc. If he does, then great, maybe I will get my answers that way, but I have to hope he remembers.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 December 2008):
 I doesn't matter whether you feel the need to speak with him or not, you know deep down that you shouldn't, just the fact that you are thinking about doing it behind his wife's back indicates that. Leave him in the past where he belongs. If you feel the need to talk to someone, talk to a marriage counselor about your current husband, see if that can be straightened out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your response Tisha.
In response, Yes it was a bad habit. Lets just say it was an expensive and dangerous habit. The expensive part wasn't the issue as he had a good job and was able to fund it. But it was illegal and a health risk, not only to himself but to me as his partner.
He asked me to wait and told me he would stop, I had waited long enough, a couple of years in fact. After I left him one day and it still make me cry he said to me with tears in his own eyes 'I stopped, why couldn't you have just waited'
I didn't marry for 4 years after we broke up. It wasn't an instant thing. I say rebound as we had just started sort of seeing each other again when I got together with my husband after finding out he was seeing her. See us seeing each other wasn't a regular thing as he lived 2 hours away by this time.
I feel even though we havn't spoken for 15 years that we still have a connection. This is why I feel I need to speak to him. About 3 years ago I started having dreams/nightmares about him in which I would wake up crying then would think about him quite often, I had a feeling he needed me. Didn't know why until a few months later when I travelled the 8 hrs home to visit my sister and found out his pop had passed on. The dreams then stopped, but they cam back again stronger about a year later, again I had the pulling feeling of him needing me. Again a few months later i found out his nan had passed on.
They have recently started again and I am scared it means something else has happened or will happen.
I DON'T want to ruin his marriage, I just want to know he is O.K
I am quite fine being a mum, it is a life I have chosen. I would not give up my kids for the world. Everything happens for a reason. I think had we stayed together we would not have had 5 children and I would feel empty without my kids. We were together about 4 years and I never fell pregnant, however within 2 months of us breaking up I was pregnant to someone else (that was my true rebound relationship and it didn't last, probably because my feelings for my ex came flooding back).
If his dad were to pass on and I never got to tell him how much he meant to me I don't know if I could ever forgive myself
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 December 2008):
It must have been one hell of a bad habit for you to leave him and marry another man, if there was so much love between you.
Look, you AND he have made your own lives now, for better or for worse. I understand he may have been a suitable life partner for you but you chose to end it with him, and he made the choice to marry another woman.
What is it that you want to accomplish by talking to him? Do you want to hear him say that he should have married you instead? And then what? You'll have to get on with life knowing that he's with another woman.
Do you want him to leave his wife and his children for a woman who dumped him 15 years ago? A man who does that has some serious issues, to my way of thinking, anyway.
So sit yourself down, and ask why you're so desperate to talk to him. Is it to recapture some of the warmth and comfort that seems to be missing from your life now? You've had 15 years to speak with him and find out if he's happy. You've had 15 years to tell his dad that you love him like your own father.
I get the sense that this gaping hole in your life, this notion that something is missing, doesn't have so much to do with your ex, but with the fact that you've never resolved it in your own head. You can find your own peace and healing without dragging him and his family into it.
Your life is unstable, unfamiliar, all new right now; you have 5 children to look after. You're the grown up. You're longing to go back to the good old days, where you were loved with no responsibilities by him and made to feel part of a family by his father and nan. No adult responsibilities like children and a husband, just the welcoming, nonjudgmental warmth that should surround every child at one point or another. You don't have to be the grown up in this dynamic.
So answer those questions, either here or in your own head, before you do anything that could severely hurt another human being or three or even four.
Take care.
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