A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, first of all i'll point out that I KNOW i've done something stupid, just so nobody else has to point it out. At the beginning of last year I started seeing a guy I really liked. It went on for 8 months, a few bumps along the way. We decided not to see each other anymore back in August. I won't call it love, because I know everyone criticizes that and you'll all say i'm too young, but I really, really did like him. About 2 months ago, I started talking to my best friend's boyfriend's bestfriend. We got on quite well and everything, so we decided to meet about a month ago. Trouble is, I didn't feel anything for him, I just liked the idea of a relationship and it almost felt as if I was trying to replace what I had with my previous partner, so I met up with him a few more times. He asked me if I wanted to give a relationship a go at the weekend, being quite drunk I agreed. Now I really don't feel as though I can get out of it, what with christmas coming up, then new year, and then it's his 18th birthday shortly after that, I really don't want to upset him, because I know he really, really likes me. Help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): While I understand your relunctance to 'hurt' this guy's feelings, I think you should come clean and be very definitive with him. One thing you need to know, is there is no life without some hurt. You know this-he knows this-we all know it. It's the human way. Telling him you aren't into him will cause him a temporary hurt but he will survive this and move on. Let's face it, the survival of pain is often the price of growth. This is simply...life.
I think this is a case, where you fear having your own needs and desires put into action, all because you don't want to come off looking selfish aand bitchy. Stop thinking that way. Try to understand you aren't being vicious or cruel. You are simply asserting your own individuality, to making the decisions you need to do for your own happiness. This is what dating is all about. It's selecting the right person for our life. And you will go through a few guys, to finding that special one. You have the right to do that. You are in charge of your life...so empower yourself by doing the right thing...tell him,
"that you regret not sharing his plans for a relationship and this is over"
And never feel guilty wanting to put your needs first. You are not a sacrificial lamb here. So many females get caught up in that way of thinking, that the measure of themselves as a valuable, lovable person is they shouldn't cause hurt. No. You don't date a guy, you aren't into, simply because you are afraid of hurting his feelings. Stop thinking that way. He will move on and find someone better suited for him...you won't devastate his entire life.. he will get over this.
The goal here is to let him go with class and maturity. It has to be done, with openess and honesty. And it should be done quickly. You need to believe that you can leave this relationship--and it's okay that he will hurt. You are are not like an indentured slave here, where you owe him something. You owe no one, nothing. You owe yourself the ability to be strong and find your own happiness...give that to yourself. Take care and good luck.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (22 December 2008):
 Oh, forgot to tell you, you're not the first person to be in this situation, lots of people have rebound relationships, so don't beat yourself up too much about having put yourself there.
Now you just have to extract yourself with as much grace and dignity that you can manage. The reboundee will recover in time.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 December 2008):
You're going to upset him sooner or later. It might as well be sooner, because if you carry on like this, he's going to work it out for himself. You can't fake feelings like these for very long.
Tell him that you think he's a great guy, but you don't want to be in a relationship with him right now. The holidays are too busy and you've realized that your feelings for him aren't as strong as his toward you. It's not fair to him to lead him on.
If you do it honorably and gently, yes, he'll be unhappy, but he won't be able to blame you for honesty. Keep up the charade for much longer, and you start to get to deliberate deception and that's more difficult to forgive.
What lesson have you learned about drinking?
Take care.
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