A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been married for 4 yrs now, separated for almost a yr.First let me start w/a not so brief story.My husband and I dated for less than a yr but from the 1st day we crossed paths in an elevator at work he pursued me and found a way to get close to me. I was young, naive, coming from a strict family and not knowing much about men (except that I was abused(mostly verbally) and raped by a bf in college (virgin) I did everything I could to keep men away and always felt guilty and disgusted by the stares and harassment I always get from men.Although my husband had obvious motives, it never crossed my mind that he ever wanted anything other than friendship and made me feel comfortable enough to open up to him about many things, including my relationship, culture, past and family. He met parents and my mom was immediately smitten by him and the 2 began to make plans for an arranged marriage which I agreed to as he seemed acceptable to my parents and in their opinion it was time for me to settle...So I accepted his proposal and as we got to know one another better, he was EVERYTHING I wanted in a man. He was educated, a good Muslim, very protective, financially stable, supportive of my career and goals of a doctorate, willing to wait for marriage, respectful, etc. My only problem was that he had 2 children from 2 women but I was never one to judge, especially since I was raped by a boyfriend and was no longer a virgin. So we got married months later...On our wedding night, the nightmare began! He became physically abusive; I wasn't allowed to work, leave the house, I had to always dress as he saw fit, had no access to any form of communication, no keys to our apt, etc I became a prisoner. Then I discovered he was doing drugs and getting drunk, wouldn't come home for hrs, sometimes days/weeks, degraded me b/c of my intimacy issues (Intercourse was sometimes impossible and when we did I always ended up bleeding and it was painful, still is), threatened to blackmail me b/c of my past situation in college,...I became pregnant months later after a few miscarriages and what I thought would help him become a better man only made things worse. What should have been the happiest time in my life (won't get into details) was a nightmare and I hardly saw him or anyone until my delivery date when I had my beautiful daughter. Although the abuse became worse after and I spent much time in hospital, I refused to allow anyone to know that I was unhappy and was obstinate in making my marriage work until my daughter at almost 2yrs old began to perpetuate her father's abusive behavior. She would hit, yell, disrespect me and do such hurtful things that I packed everything and we left.It's been almost a yr since the separation and I keep going back and forth w/my husband: Afraid to leave! Afraid to stay! He says he's in counseling and is taking his meds (Bi-Polar) but I've seen 1st hand that he's stuck to his old ways. My question is how can I move on w/my life when the father of my child whom my daughter loves so much that she tells me she hates me and doesn't love me b/c I took her from her dad? How can I begin a new life when he won't let me leave and my daughter still refuses to call our new home her HOME? I don't want to keep her from her father b/c they have a great relationship so where do I begin to do so if I do go forward w/a divorce? How do I keep sane while I have so many flashbacks from repeated abuse and I have an intense fear of men? I am now working and back in Grad School, however there are days when I feel so miserable and alone that I wish something would happen to me to make it all go away but I know I can't b/c my daughter needs me. There are times when I wish he were here to alleviate some of the burden on me but I know better. I just need to start over and I just don't know how to begin...HELP?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Eilish  +, writes (18 July 2011):
 Stop worrying about what everybody wants. What is it YOU want? Look at how much you have been through? Don't you deserve happiness??You are a brave lady. Unfortunatley you're life doesn't sound like it has been good to you. Sometimes at first people come across as angels, but once you get to know the real them they aren't who they said to be.Look at what this man is doing to you? You are not a prisoner. You are a queen. You need to realize that you are better and stronger than this and you deserve so much better. You're daughter is even copying his foul behaviour, wheres the respect for you? There isn't any. You need to get away from this man fast. There is no reason at all why you should stay with him.Obviously if you leave, something will have to be sorted about him seeing your daughter. At the end of the day, he is still her Father. Therefore I'm afraid contact with him would still have to continue. However, if you want nothing more to do with this man then go to the police, especially if he has ever hit you, because it is not safe for a child to be around violence and he could get angry if you end the relationship without him saying so. Just remember things may feel rock bottom for you now, but when things are down the only way from there is up. Things will get better and I pray that you will find happiness. You have been through so much and deserve all the best. You are 100x better than this man! There is someone out there who will look at you and treat you like a woman, not a piece of dirt on the bottom of your shoe. All you need is patience, because someone out there will be looking for you, ready to treat you right. Good luck.xx
A
female
reader, VSAddict  +, writes (17 July 2011):
 Get away from this guy fast. You should've dated at least another year before you made that mistake. He's nothing but scum and put up that front to trick everyone. Don't put up with this. Your daughter does not hate you. She just doesn't like that she can't understand the situation at her age. She will always love you and when she's an adult, she'll know you were protecting her. Don't ever let her see him unsupervised. He's going to hurt her, he doesn't care that she is small, fragile, and defenseless. If he can do it to you, he can do it to anybody. Tell an adult who can help you with this while you're at school. Get your divorce and get a custody agreement with supervised visits EVERY TIME. Don't make yourself and your daughter suffer any longer. Leave now!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2011): Run, do not walk, to your university's mental health service. You are not the first women they will have seen in this kind of situation, nor, sadly, will you be the last. They will not look down on you nor will they do anything but help.
As for your daughter, she's a child - all children want things that are not good for them and say hurtful things when they don't get them. If your husband was that abusive to you, what do you think he would do to your daughter if given half a chance?
For her sake, if not for yours, get yourself to mental health as quickly as possible.
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