A
male
age
36-40,
*SHopeless
writes:So I've been dating/engaged to this girl for 4.5 years. On the second of February she says she doesnt think she's supposed to be in a relationship and that she needs to work on her relationship with Jesus and has a peace about it so she knows it's the right thing to do. She has also stated that after she figures out her life she doesn't know if she'll want to date me or some other guy or not.Last fall, I was having some jealousy issues with her and another male youth leader at this church we go to, so instead of talking it out with her, I just quit going. Now I find that I have no one to talk to about her leaving me, because she has been telling them everything already, and I don't know how much they know or if I go back, what they would think of me. I feel hopeless and I don't know what to do.I've been trying to give her space but I miss her so much. I'm trying my best not to be clingy, but at the same time, I'm worried if I give her too much space that she'll find someone else. I'm losing sleep and I cry almost daily over her. She truly is an amazing girl and I don't want to lose her forever. I realize the mistakes I've made and while she's taking her time to work on herself, I am also working on myself so I can be a better man and more deserving of her.I don't have any friends to talk to or hang out with to help me get through this. That's why I'm here looking for any advice available on how to make it through this. Advice, scripture, or even just a prayer for me, please someone help make it easier to get through the day.
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male
reader, CSHopeless +, writes (25 April 2011):
CSHopeless is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice so far, I am definitely trying to keep myself busy and my mnd off things. We have talked about it a little, not as much as I really wanted to, but I felt like she was getting upset talking about it so I quit talking about it.
The hardest part about all of this is that in reality, it feels like we're still together. We still hangout alot (she insists she still needs me as a friend through this break, no matter the outcome), and I'm willing to be there for her no matter how much it hurts. She graduates May 7, and is about to have a lot on her plate with graduation, finding a job to start her career, she wants to go on a mission trip to Mexico this summer as well as a youth retreat.
On one hand I'm wondering if she just doesnt need the stress of a relationship amongst all this change (because we were engaged, wedding in the future, etc.), but on the other hand I don't understand why she thinks she has to do this alone? I mean if she really is trying to work on her relationship with Jesus, why would she need to be alone?
Unless she isn't... And there is where my mind goes to worrying again. She texts alot, even back in the fall when I was going through my jealousy issues (even if we were out just the two of us on a date night, she'd be testing the whole night and not tell me who). Here the past couple of weeks, when her phone goes off for a text, I've noticed the male youth leaders name (the one from last fall) several times when she picks it up to see who it is (we're sitting beside each other on the couch watching tv).
I'm trying my hardest not to be jealous, and she insisted last fall they were just friends, but she never texted him before the break. And now that me and her are on break, I really can't ask her about it without risking pushing her away for good (seeing as now that we're on break, in theory, it's none of my business who she texts).
Should I be worried?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): She needs space as you know. If you try to impede on her space it will only make things worse. You should arrange to talk to her soon to let her know what you're going through if you haven’t already done so. If you both have love for each other there should be understanding from both sides. Tell her that you love her deeply but this is hurting to much and that you'll be there for her through this if she needs you otherwise you’ll leave her alone so she can have time to think.
Whatever you do, do not feed the hope inside that she will come back. That will eat at you and only make things worse. You need to take this time to focus on yourself, which from what you said, you are trying to do. Realising the mistakes you have made is a great step forward, you are trying to better yourself and you should be proud of yourself for that. These will not be easy times for you but when you get through the worse of it, you'll become stronger because of this.
The best thing you can do now is proving to yourself that you're an independent person and that you can do well in your life without her. Learn to love yourself.
I would recommend that you talk about this to someone close in person just to vent. It really helps out. I know you said that you don't really have anyone to talk to but there must be someone?
The best thing you can do to dull the pain is occupy yourself, get outside and be social as much as you can. Just remember that you will get through this.
Chin up & take care :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): You can let her know that you're working on things, but you should both always be doing that. Talk, talk, talk. I can't stress that enough. By now, you should be able to talk about anything with each other. Also, know that you can and will survive without her. If it doesn't work, something bigger and better will come along and this relationship may have helped you to become ready for the next one. As far as getting through this, keep yourself extremely busy-do things that make you think so it takes your mind off of her. Volunteering helps a lot. Good luck!
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