A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My live-in boyfriend broke up with me about 2 months ago. He just said he "couldn't do it" that he "wasn't ready". I was very hurt and confused by this. After the break-up he kept finding reasons to come by and see me. After a month of this feeling of being in limbo, I forced him to move all of his stuff out. He clearly wasn't moving back in, so I felt he shouldn't be confusing my mind anymore! After that, we started talking every day. We would go for coffee in the mornings and email back and forth all day long. Finally, 2 weeks ago we went out to dinner together. We had a great time and really enjoyed each other's company - no talk of the relationship or anything. Well, we ended up sleeping together that night and that left me feeling a bit used (I know I allowed it, too). We both felt a bit awkward after and decided we really had a great time and wanted to do it again soon, but maybe not jump back into bed again. The next day we were both going to be out at the same place, so I had told him how I hoped I'd run into him. He said "sounds good". Then, I found out he was telling his friends "oh great, she's going to be there too!" That hurt. So, I decided to HONESTLY tell him why I was going to be where he was going to be - which was because I was going to be on a date. I don't WANT to date other people, but he had told me that he thinks it's best that I do, so I thought I was doing what I was supposed to be doing! I know I told him partly to hurt him, but I said it in a nice way and let him know if he wanted to tell me specifically what bar he'd be at, I would avoid going there. Well, he didn't. He got all upset and just ignored me. My date ended up being horrible. I decided to meet friends at another bar instead and I ran into my ex there. We ended up in a HUGE screaming match. He told me he didn't believe me that I was really going on a date, that he didn't care who I dated and that he just wanted it to be over. I know we were both drunk for this fight, but those words all still stung so much. So, I told him fine, if he didn't care who I dated, I thought I'd go out with one of his friends (who had become a mutual friend of ours throughout our relationship). I also said how his friend told me that he thougth I deserved better. Honestly, they were REALLY low blows. But, I was drunk and hurt and confused (not that any excuse is a good one). We haven't spoken since (it's been 2 weeks). I feel HORRIBLE for bringing him down the way I did - even if he brought me down too. I am curious if people think what I said and did was really AWFUL? or if it is a forgiveable offense? I tried to apologize to him by sending him an email a few days after. But he never responded. I think we both have things to work out before we would ever work as a couple again - IF that ever comes to be. But, in the meantime, I just need help getting over the guilt/regret/shame?!?!?!! HELP!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): The only thing that was bad was what you said about his friend. Just because it may put a dent in their friendship. HOWEVER, the real problem is your passive aggression. You are very angry and hurt with the break up but at the same time you are trying to conceal your feelings and be nice to him and play the good guy because you want him back. And its natural for you to be mad. So stop playing the good role and the bad role, all at once. Be one or the other. Stop pretending like you're not mad. Cause the way you're acting you are being fake to yourself and to him.You are angry, so don't be afraid to admit it and show it. Just do it with tact. Take a boxing class and beat the sh*t out of a punching bag. Talk to a friend and be HONEST about how hurt you are. CRY in private. Get your feelings OUT. If you learn how to accept and channel your anger in a positive way, and be HONEST with your self and others, you are no longer going to put yourself in situations where you feel shame and regret. And sooner or later you'll be able to forgive yourself for what's been done.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2007): You haven't done anything wrong. He thought you were fallowing hima round & that is why he was mad. He wants away from you. Why are you trying to get him back? that is pathetic. You did nothing wrong, don't apologize. He doesn't care about you, he just wants it to be over. Time will heal your guilt or shame. Just move on.
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A
female
reader, missconfused +, writes (10 August 2007):
 if you tried to apologize than your set dont be feeling guilty if he threw the first stone and just to make you feel better those low blows were nothing iv done and said way worser things and first that was messed up what he said about him not wanting you to be there so he deserved everythin you did. just what ever you do dont sleep with him again that the worst mistake you could ever do ! b/c after hes just gona take advantage of that and it will make you have more feelings of shame and regret
but take care and hope my advise helps you even a little
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2007): Dear Writer,
I myself have been in a similar situation and this is what my friends have helped me learn from it. To start, this guy obviously doesn't know how nice of a person he's had. There is no reason for him to be treating you or anyone else like a bouncy ball that he can come back to anytime he wants. You have your own needs and right now you need your friends. You should not be feeling guilty, regretful, or even have to apologize for the words you said. They may have been low blows but you need to treat him like a learning experience and let him get over it by himself. The more you try to apologize the more he probably wants to get away.
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A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (10 August 2007):
 Why would you want to be a couple if you get along or don't get along like that? You did the best thing you could do given the circumstances. You apologised. Let it go at that. I don't recommend living your life waiting for someone to forgive you or want to be with you. The time is now to continue moving on, you were heading in that direction anyways. A side note: I wouldn't get into a confrontation with him or anyone about this issue again. If he wants to talk to you and be civil then do what you feel is right in your heart. If he wants to point fingers and argue, walk away. Be happy, life's too short not to be.
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