A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everybody. I would like peoples honest opinions on the way my partner sometimes speaks to me, as I feel he could be more tactful with his words sometimes.I will give one recent example from the other night.We were playing a two player game on the XBOX, which involved us working as a team against some enemies.He is a much better player than I am, and this is always very obvious in any game we play. However, I always do my best. The other night I did something on the game that he didn’t approve of, or was a bad move. I can’t remember what it was now, but the words that came out of his mouth were “Oh no - you’re not going to do that f***ing stupid thing again are you...”I felt offended. I got up and left the room, leaving him to continue the ‘two player’ game alone! - and just said I was going to bed as I’m not being talked to like that.Nothing has been said about this since, but situations like this when we’ve been playing a game have happened quite a lot, with him getting frustrated. Whenever I’ve brought it up before, he says that I take him the wrong way, so I’m just wondering is this me being over sensitive and I should just take what he says with a pinch of salt? He speaks fine with me any other time when we’re not playing on the Xbox, so maybe it’s just him getting super into the game and frustrated, but I do tell him I’m doing my best. Sometimes I think maybe these posts can be one sided, and I’m not sure if the comments are fair, as my partner is not having any input on this post. I just want to state the facts, and for people to give as fair comment as possible, because if I’m ever in the wrong, or am being over sensitive/reading into things too much, I would rather be told. On the other hand, if you was to tell me my partner was in the wrong then he is not able to defend himself, but I know he would probably say something like ‘I didn’t mean it like that’ or he would explain why he said it, but that still doesn’t stop me feeling offended by what he said. I think I just need a 3rd persons perspective.Thank you for reading.
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (29 January 2020):
I have to say I’m a little surprised at some of the other comments you’ve received OP. As if it’s ok for him to swear at you and belittle you because he’s passionate about his game. He might also be really passionate about eating his favourite breakfast cereal, but does that give him the right to curse at you if you bought the wrong one by mistake? Or if you took a wrong turn and made him late for a film he really wanted to see. Is it ok to swear at you then? Where does it end?
Disappointing or not, there are no circumstances that make the way he spoke to you acceptable. It’s not like you made mistakes on purpose to annoy him, and in the grand scheme of things it’s a game! It’s not important at all. How does he react when he has to deal with real adversity in his life? Because that’s when you see the true measure of a person IMO.
If I were you, I’d be telling him that you thought you were dating a grown ass man and you can’t be bothered dealing with a little boy who gets so wound up over the most trivial of annoyances. Life is way too short for that.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (28 January 2020):
 Speaking as someone who games and gets pretty into it, it can be incredibly frustrating especially when playing with someone that makes all the wrong moves and jeopardizes the game at that point in time. Gaming is fun and acts as a stress reliever for some but the ultimate goal is clocking the game. If someone is working against me in doing that, yeah it frustrates me quite a bit. The same goes for trivia boardgames... I'm highly competitive and pretty clued up so I hate being partnered with someone who doesn't know their mouth from their bum... It's a competitive thing and the need to do things right and clock the game sooner rather than later. I'm not making excuses for him at all, I'm just saying that honestly, I can see how choice words can be used out of frustration... He isn't trying to be rude or abusive, he's just frustrated.
With that being said, perhaps competitive gaming isn't for you. It may be something trivial and fun for you but you probably don't see it as a chance to accomplish the goal (as small of a goal that it is). Some people are just set up that way and it's okay that you get disappointed by his choice of words but perhaps the two of you shouldn't game together because it's clearly hurting your feelings. I suggest that you let him game either alone or with a friend that shares in his interests, while you find something to do that you like doing. That way, he can act however he needs to apart from being with you and you can get to do something that you enjoy apart from being with him.
I do think that a conversation needs to be had wherein you address this since it's actually bothering you and suggest that you don't play games with him anymore because it hurts you and because he gets very competitive. He definitely doesn't mean to break you down with his language but it offends you because you take it personally. Guaranteed if he plays with a friend, he will use the same language, if not worse language. The difference here is that you're in a relationship with him and it can be seen as a form of abuse because of the dynamic of the relationship. Especially since this isn't who he is all of the time, it's just who he becomes because of his competitive nature.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2020): I have gamed with my hubby. And he was rude only when he was bothered by something else other than the game itself. It doesn't excuse his behavior. Sometimes it was just stress at work. Sometimes it was when we disagreed on something (and he wasn't necessarily right ;)).But. His venting had nothing to do with the game.Unless you speak to him the same way, you need to tell him that it bothers you and how you would like him to act. If he doesn't change the way he communicates, you need to stop gaming with him until he does.Things said in anger are to a certain point always true. Anger just pushes them out.My husband was bothered by my lack of dexterity in our everyday life. He didn't complain much about it, but it did bother him, because he is extremely adroit himself and just cannot understand that people like me are not clumsy on purpose. when we played Zelda at one point he completely lost it and started yelling, calling me names... We wouldn't kill a monster and it surfaced that he wasn't happy about where we were at that point in our lives and that he blame me for it since, even with two jobs, I was earning less then him. So... maybe what your partner is doing has nothing to do with anything else but the game itself. But he shouldn't be talking like that to you and you need to tell him that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2020): I look at your ages and I am thinking....are you a little old to be playing video games?Maybe he would be more respectful of you did adult things?Time to grow up and stop playing teenager.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2020): I play games and always have since a kid, my boyfriend is the one who doesn't and is pretty terrible and constantly dying in them, I have a couple of two player games I play with him and he sucks. I have said a lot worse to him than your boyfriend said to you but he knows I'm just messing about. I guess it's what you find acceptable, that would not bother me at all but if it bothers you tell him or don't play games with him.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (28 January 2020):
 I think that recreational companionship is a strong emotional need for many men. I think that you are not filling this niche for him. This is pretty common from both sides. men and women both have trouble finding a partner who can hit all the right spots. Usually we all end up settling for someone who hits most of the important ones.
Don't get the Idea that approve of his abusive language. I don't. Abuse is my number one dealbreaker. But his deal breaker could be having a partner that doesn't make the same mistake 6 nights in a row.
Advice to him should you choose to share it with him. Many women have a strong emotional need for security, also for a guy with a good sense of humor. Your girlfriend left the game because your poor sense of humor made her feel insecure in the relationship. You are partners now, you need to consider her needs as if they were yours. Because they are.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 January 2020):
 I have gamed with my husband on and off for 20 years. Yep, that long. Different online games (mainly) and HE is better at some and I'm better at others. I make mistakes HE make mistakes. But as ANNOYING and frustrating it can be, at the END of the day, it's a GAME. It's MEANT to be a challenge and FUN.
I have raided with our guilds and people get heated when someone fuck up, FUCK up happens though. They might put someone on blast but it blows over. People learn from the mistakes and do better. Usually. I have seen people quit because they didn't like it too. That happens too.
I think you need to have a talk with him (NOT WHILE gaming) and tell him if he WANTS to game with you to remember it's YOU he is playing with and that it IS a game. But that it's NOT fun when he goes off on you for making mistakes while playing. FOR either of you.
And if he CAN NOT be civil (even when annoyed) then maybe playing games together isn't something you'd want to do.
Ask him WHAT he means by "taking it the wrong way" because ... words can be simple. Asking you to NOT do that "fucking" thing again... well that is not really something that had endless meaning. It's pretty clear.
While I DO get that PART of it is venting when things fail because you made a mistake or whatnot, but he isn't 16. He is a grown ass man and should have more control of what comes out of his mouth.
THAT simple.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 January 2020):
 Gaming, like any sport, can bring out the best and worst in people competitively. I play Call of Duty with my dad and my brother. My dad and I are pretty laid back and mostly play to have fun, but my brother plays to win. This means he swears a lot, gets frustrated when the game glitches and says things he shouldn’t when we make him lose. Sometimes we take it and other times we’ll tell him that he’s gone too far and he’ll apologise.
Just tell him that you will stop playing if he keeps saying that sort of thing. Tell him that words have consequences, whether he means it after-the-fact or not. Tell him that if he doesn’t mean it, then he shouldn’t say it. He is old enough to know better.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 January 2020):
 I'm older. I've decided what I will accept and what I wont. Disrespectful talk is something I wont accept, whether its in a game or other areas of life. He put you down, he called you stupid, he doesn't recognise the fact you are doing your best.
If he didn't mean it like that then why did he say it?
There is nothing wrong with being competitive, we all are to some degree, but in team sports and / or games we need to be respectful of our team mates, or they might jack up and cut the plug from the end of the cords.
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