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female
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anonymous
writes:Hi, first let me say that this question is going to be a really long one in order for you aunties to understand. I will try to make it as brief as possible.I was with a guy for three years. Three years of which, one we lived together and the other 2 were spent with him on and off working on a cruise ship. We really loved each other and made the sacrifice however difficult it was. Anyway, it became increasingly difficult and the loneliness got to him more than it did to me...he met someone on the ship, we spoke about it and I knew and we were mature enought to break off the relationship. We remained friends corresponding with each other constantly. We never really lost touch at all. He and this girl moved to England together. About 2 months after the move, she left him for her ex that she could not get over. She was lying to him constantly and betrayed him in the worst way. He was devastated and called me...to me life had balanced. I had not gotten over him as yet and ended up in the hospital for 7 days just almost to nervous break down state. I was prescribed prozac even. It was really hard for me. We have been through so much together...living together, miscarriage, separation...family issues...and always came out hand in hand.Anyway, I helped him through this time as best as I could seeing that I was in the caribbean and he was in Europe. An opportunity arised where I could have gotten to go to Europe...I took it. And yes I went there with the hope of us getting back together.When I got here...my hopes were dashed. This girl had really torn him apart. Basically he experienced what I did. He told me that he still loved me very much but that he did not see us getting back together ever. Please understand that we have always been very close and share a most rare friendship...we always promised to be tehre for each other. Times were tough for him so I helped him out a bit and he helped me out when times were tough for me tooo..$$$ wise. Right now, he needed somewhere to stay and he is now staying with me in my apartment. He shares my bedroom, shares my rent and is a wonderful friend to me. However, it pains me greatly when he goes out on dates, or when his phone rings with text messages. I know women like him but it just hurts me so much.I am so in love with him a great deal still and still secretly hope that we can get back together. He says no...but his actions are so different. We sleep together still, we always say we will stop but find it hard to..he buys me nice gifts, makes sure I am alright, calls me like literally 50 times a day, talk to me on msn, text me..and still sees me home....we never have a problem talking. I don't think he has any idea how I feel. I always deny it, but I love him so much. I don't know what to do. He is going to be by me for a while and I just get so torn up when he goes out. I made plans for us to go to Scotland for the weekend, his brother who was supposed to accomodate us...cancelled..instead of spending the weekend with me...he went out with friends...non stop and spent maybe only one day all together with me.It has been a year since we broke up, and we never really lost touch, but I just have this deep feeling in the pit of my heart and soul that we are supposed to be together. So many things cannot be a coincidence. I am searching for help in wrong and right places. I have been to psychics and the like and I have prayed to God to just give me one more chance...just to see if I am right...nothing...just nothing. But this feeling in my heart is so strong..it is not a selfish feeling or a infatuation thing. It is so deep rooted.So I left everything in my country to come here chasing a dream...him as well as some other personal goals that I am pursuing...but all in all ....I love him and want him in my life, he is really special to me.So Aunties...if you can help me I would be grateful.
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female
reader, shania  +, writes (20 April 2006):
 Sorry if i appeared harsh...but im seeing it on how it is.Your suffering...and he's not.I agree with Irish49...if a man really loved you...wanted a relationship with you...then he would do anything for you...its simple as that...instead,he has sex with you,flirts with other girls etc...basically,rubbing your nose in it....i think you deserve better then that,why do i think that? Because i know you are a good person,you have a caring nature,you have proved your love for him,but where has it got you?...You have these lovely qualities to make another man happy,someone who will want you,someone who will treat you with love and respect.....you wont find that other person while you are still pining for him....honey,im being honest with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2006): Hun..with this man-you've suffered through the incredible pain of betrayal, infidelity, spearation, a nervous breakdown and most heart breakingly, a miscarriage and I am sorry. But all I am seeing here is how you are martyring yourself, all in the name of what..love? No one should strip another of their pride. Don't you think it's time to stop seeing yourself as a victim and start to see yourself as a fully competent, strong force in your own life and start looking after yourself instead of him? You are so scared of losing him that you are permitting fear to paralyze your life, you justify every 'crappy' thing he has done for you. You are living on hope and you have lost who you really are. You need to start thinking with your head, dear, not your heart. You need to muster up the confidence, self-pride, stand tall and look after...yourself.
Let's look at the facts: You love this man, who still lives with you..still sleeps in your bed, dates and flirts with other other women and he has for the most part "blown you off" in the love/committment department. So why are you will settling for nothing? Does he love you? Well..i can say a man who loves a woman, will put her, at the center of his life. He will cherish her-he will 'do anything' it takes to be with her. A truly loving, good man is considerate and thoughtful, not self-centered and hurtful. Don't you want this? You're not getting this from this man. He's only fulfilling his own needs. Lots of guys can say nice words, give hugs, show affection, because it gets them what they need.
The truth is-he likes you as a good friend. That's it. You need to realize that you are continuing to give yourself to someone who doesn't value you, in the way, you want and you truely deserve. It's time to promise yourself better. You deserve more; any woman does. Free yourself emotionally and try hard to move on. It'll be hard..you'll feel like a hot poker has been put through your heart. But you need to let go of this dyfunctional notion that love means finding someone who will be responsible for your happiness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness because all that is happening to you, with this man in your life, is distress, pain and hurt. He hurts you constantly..not intentionally..you are doing that to yourself because you are permitting it. Learn to recognize the personal barriers from your past with this man, that is keeping you stuck. You sound emotionally fragile so learn to be strong..stand up for yourself and think about moving forward and finding the true love you really should have. I really wish you the best, hun..you have some thinking to do. Good luck and remember...look after YOU.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2006): I kinda have a little different of advice. I can hear you hurt because of this whole situation, but let me make a statement that I hope is not to brash, just hope that you get the meaning behind it. I tell this to all my gf's that i think are getting used. "Why would you buy a cow if you are already getting the milk for free?" You need to quit given any goods and truly come clean to this guy about how you feel, I mean spill everything and if he doesnt feel the same way then you need to have him find his own place, as you know distance makes the heart grow fonder, but it is time that you quit putting yourself out there and starting getting what you expect out of someone, whether thats him or not don't settle for less then what you believe you deserve. Though i know all of this is easier said then dont i've been there but is will never be easy you on the route that your going either. So despite how bad it hurts make a desision and stick with it. There are many guys out there that will have all of these qualities that you share with this guy yet be able to show you the love you deserve. I know you don't see that right now cause your whole hearts with this guy but once you make that decision that he has to show you love or truly just be friends your eyes will open again.
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female
reader, Anja +, writes (20 April 2006):
 It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. It's great to be feeling this way about someone but you are not getting anything back, except dissapointment and heartache in his insensitive behaviour. He is leading you on into believing there is something there. Sounds like he's getting his cake and eaing it!!
He may not be in love, unfortunately you can't make someone fall in love with you...you have been through some tough times and sounds like you both have been a great support for one another. I really think this is a one way street, no amount of praying etc will make him feel the same. You are going to have to be strong and spend time apart, and STOP sleeping with him!! It will be bloody hard, but it will do one of two things: Help you get over him (I know that's not what you want..but if he does'nt feel the same then you gotta try!) Or the time apart without contact may make him realise what he's missing...so be honest with yourself ...maybe even tell him how you feel and say that is the reason for taking time out from one another. He will respect your honesty and at least you are getting in there first before one day he may turn to you and say he has found someone else....beleive me you don't wanna be there when he says that...!! Good luck...I will be praying for you for strength and courage, God bless. xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think that Shania was too harsh on my ex. He does not know how I feel because I tell him I feel nothing for him but friendship and I play it off quite well. he is not being selfish at all....he is going based on what I show him and what I tell him. It is really not his fault but rather mine for not telling him how I feel.
i can't just walk away from him like that...he has been my best friend for the past 6 years...friends before the relationship and friends after..it is not easy to just do that.
And maybe I am being stupid and chasing a stupid hope...but I need to follow my heart
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female
reader, shania +, writes (20 April 2006):
I dont doubt that you love this man very much and while you are hanging on to hope or a miracle,your fella....emotionally is elsewhere.Yes he may talk to you 50 times a day,buys you nice gifts....txts you...sees you home...but he cannot give you,what you want...and thats a proper relationship,i know you cannot let go but really you are settling for second best.He has made it clear that he doesn't want a relationship with you but because he shows you a little bit of care,you are hoping it will lead to something more...also, while he is sleeping with you....your getting more and more emotionally involved.This man is acting selfish and must realise that you still love him,yet he still uses your weakness to get what he can from it....you might say he isn't but i would argue with that and say that if he didn't want to raise your hopes up then he should walk away...but he hasn't because he has you waiting for him....that must make him feel good...but what about you? What are you getting out of this? It seems like he wants to share your body with him and everything else...but without the committment...must be heaven for him,while you sit there and suffer.Am i being too harsh on your ex lover? Maybe i am....but im thinking of your wellbeing...you deserve more.I suggest that you break away from this emotional draining situation and clear your head because while your pining for him you cannot move on.You see....because your fella has.
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