A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i met an amazing girl a few months ago. hit it off and asked her to be my girlfriend. everything has been great. perfect. no fights, no disagreements, we always have a great time together, sex is phenomenal. only one problem: her five year old daughter.i know this sounds terrible on my part. but before you judge me, i love kids. i've dated women with children before. in fact, my most recent ex, who i split up with a little over a year ago, has a son who is now seven. him and i have a great relationship to this day. in fact, we still hang out frequently. i'll ask to pick him up from school or take him to the park during the summer. i love him to bits. i've dated a couple other women with kids, as well. never run into any issues. but this particular little girl i have a hard time knowing how to deal with. she's extremely whiny and bratty. literally everything that comes out of her mouth is a groan or a high-pitched whine. everything. she always has to have her way or she throws a tantrum. and i just don't know how to deal with it. not only is it plain aggravating to listen to, but we aren't at the point in our relationship where i can't discipline her or give my input as to how to handle certain situations pertaining to her yet. if it were me, i'd never in a million years let her whine and carry on the way my Gf allows her to.But the little girl is her daughter and there's really nothing i can do about it. but it's very frustrating to tolerate. i don't know what to do with this little girl. i want very much to be a part of both of their lives, but i find it very difficult. and i don't want to say anything to my girlfriend because i really don't want to offend her, which i know i will do if i mention her daughter stressing me. i just hate it because i feel like i found my dream girl... with a bratty daughter! advice please!! i'm very confused. thanks in advance!
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (5 August 2012):
 Well
I agree with Sageoldguy ...you can make a million excuses for the childs behaviour but its down to her mum, she allows it to continue,finds it acceptable.
They come as a package, and half of that is her child as you well know from past experience.
Find a different partner. Have kids of your own,you'll make a great dad
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2012): I think you'll have to put up with some of the behavior until you & your gf are close enough that she can handle you correcting her daughter. But the whining you can start with now. When the girl whines, just tell her you can't understand what she says when she uses her whiny voice, but you can understand her when she uses her regular voice. You'll have to demonstrate the difference, at least at first; kids that age don't always understand without some "show & tell". Use a matter-of-fact voice when talking -- don't let your exasperation show.
My children (now grown) almost never whined. I ran a small daycare when they were small, and some of the children were whiners at first. I was able to break every daycare child of the habit using this technique. It took up to two weeks or so to accomplish, depending on how ingrained the habit was. Since you're not with your gf's daughter 40 hrs a week it will probably take longer for you. Just be consistent when you talk to the girl.
Your gf probably hates hearing her daughter whine and should appreciate the assistance (I hope!)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 August 2012):
 I kind of agree with Sageoldguy here. THEY are a package deal. If you want her, the "brat" comes with.
I have 3 girls and none of them were EVER whiny at that age (unless they were excessively tired).
Could it be that the mother is overcompensating with the child because she IS a single mom?
A new man in her mom's life is a HUGE adjustment for a child.
I guess you have to figure out whether you can see the 3 of you long term or not. I also think, IF you do want to be with the mom, you need to have the balls to tell her how you feel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2012): I am a single mum with a daughter now fully grown up. When I was around your age my daughter was around 5 years old. It's honestly not my biased opinion, but my daughter was extremely good natured - still is - and even back then very kind, loving and well behaved. My ex husband abandoned her and me and my new partner did not take the slightest bit of interest in my daughter, which really hurt me but which I stupidly accepted. I really wish that I had met someone like yourself who actively cares about the way that a child is behaving.
I'm gonna stick my neck out and say that I think you could try two, maybe three things here. First of all, try as far as possible to empathise with the little girl and why she is 'whiny'. She has probably had to go without the male attention and discipline that a father brings and, in some way, kids need discipline to know that they are cared for - I don't mean being horrible to them, but simply establishing clear boundaries and codes of good behaviour. In her own way, her whining is a signal that she is needy, but she herself is far too young to know that she needs a male figure in her life. She will keep just whining and whining to get attention, but it won't be the right kind...she can't be blamed for not knowing this, she's too young, so she will just repeat and repeat.
Secondly, I would state clearly to the mother that you care deeply about her and her daughter and that you want to be part of their lives and that, whilst you respect both of them and it is still early days in the relationship, it will be very hard for you to form a good relationship with her daughter if you can't start to have some say in how the daughter behaves. The longer that the situation goes on, the harder it will be for you to form a good, healthy relationship with the daughter. I'm not for a minute suggesting that you start by showing her heavy discipline, just that you make clear to the mother and to the daughter that you find certain behavour unacceptable. You can clearly show the daughter what kind of behaviour is acceptable so that she always has a choice in how to behave. Apart from just 'disciplining' the child, your interaction with her should also be rewarding, so that she enjoys playing with you and spending time with you.
Thirdly, I suggest that you sincerely talk with the mother about how she feels about her child's behaviour before you do any of the above. If the mother is happy and can see no wrong at all then she may find your behaviour interfering. If she is not happy and needs your help/a male figure in her daughter's life, then you can work as a team in regard to helping her daughter towards more sociable behaviour.
If you can't do any of this or don't want to then you really need to state clearly at this stage what the problem is and why you are leaving. This may hurt your partner, but at least she will know the truth and will have a choice in future. If she knows that you love kids and have interracted with them before with no problem, then she may realise that she needs to interract differently with her child. It is most important, howvever, that the child herself is not blamed - it is not her fault that she has not had the right kind of discipline and one-to-one engagment so far in her life. She may even be traumatised by her father not being around.
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A
female
reader, misfitschik66  +, writes (4 August 2012):
 Sometimes children do this because of changes in their lives and some children do these things because that's the only way they know how to behave
In this situation the only advice i can really give you is that this relationship needs time and hard work you need to be patient with this little girl until she is used to you being around or at least until your girlfriend allows you to say something or until you feel comfortable saying something and if you don't want to put in this effort or time then this relationship isn't going to work
this work involves you doing activities with this little girl and spending time with just her you need to show her that your a friend to her and her mother and eventually she will respect you when the time comes that her mother allows you to discipline her
another thing you could try is testing the water by telling her no and then see what her mother says if she doesn't seem to care that you told her daughter no then start saying it more often and keep saying no or stop when the time calls for it or until her mother says don't do that any more
there is only so much you can do right now until your comfortable talking about these things with your girlfriend and i hope it works out for you
again if you don't have the patients then this relationship won't work
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 August 2012):
 AS always,.... a Mother and her kid(s) come as a package. IF 1/2 the package is unacceptable... because the OTHER 1/2 of the package allows the first 1/2 to be intolerably bratty.... then you've got nothing to pursue.
I suggest you drop this woman and find a better partner.
Good luck....
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