A
female
age
36-40,
*ovi
writes:I just got married BUTI met my husband early last year and we just got married last month. He is 15 years older than me and in the begining of our relationship, the very first time he asked me for sex, we did foreplay but when it came to the real sex, he stopped...i was so angry and rejected that day and i told him about it. Later, we had sex just 3 times at the first 3 months of our courtship and after that he had to travel back to his country and we didnt meet again but we kept contact online during the whole period. there was even a time i was giving up on us but he convinced me otherwise and held on tightly to our relationship. We met again during the holidays and he never really made any attempts at sex throughout our one week stay together..so we had no sex at all. It hurt me so much that after not seeing each other for months he should have missed me and all but he didnt even have sex with me at all. Then again we met up afer another 3months for about 10days yet no sex again. He will only romance me and use his finger, nothing more, nothing like penetration and then go to sleep.there was a time in an email i wrote him about this that he was always hesitating when it comes to sex with me then he told me he was sexually abused by his mom while growing up and it makes him lose his libido whenever he is about to have sex with me. The most fascinating thing is he truly loves me and he will do other thing on earth to make me happy, he cares for me deeply and alot and always scared to lose me. My conclusion is just that ever since i met my husband we have only had real sex FOUR times. I lay awake all the time wanting him even on the night of our wedding, he pretends not to notice. He is the only one i want to give my body to..What can i do?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 November 2011):
 You barely knew this man very well so that leads me to question why you would have got married to him when you knew that there was trouble with the relationship. Being sexually abused is horrific but if it was by his own mother well then I just cannot begin to imagine what kind of damage this has done to him, I can't blame him for not wanting to face sex. I am sure that he does love you a lot and he is trying to please you how he can. But he has barriers up when it comes to intercourse and no wonder if his mother abused him in that way. He needs to get help with these problems to try and live a healthy life and have a healthy marriage. Sadly some people can never have a normal loving relationship after being sexually abused because the damage has been done and there is no going back. I hope that he can get the help that he needs and deserves. Try and get him to go and see a therapist about this.
His mother should be locked up for what she done to him. Try and get him to open up more so you can understand more and tell him you will support him if HE wants to get help with this. Unfortunately yes you are lacking in a normal sex life, but you need to take a step back from that and put yourself in his shoes and try and understand what he is going through.
What where his reasons for leaving you for a few months? You haven't even knowing this guy a year and you are already married and there was a few months in between that where you didn't see him. What is the living situation like now? Are you both living together or is it going to be a marriage where he will keep going back to his own country, if so what are his reasons for going back and are you sure that he is not hiding something.
A
female
reader, mammaboo  +, writes (22 November 2011):
 You say he had to go back to his own country for a while.
Do you think that he possibly could have a wife in another country?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (22 November 2011):
 sadly you knew this was an issue when you married him.
if he was sexually abused as a child he will need therapy to work through his problems. your love alone cannot fix him.
I am sure he does love you and wants you happy but it appears your sex life is lacking and that you both have different ideas of what's acceptable.
so you married a man you barely know... why?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): Understand. He told you. He has a severe problem and it has everything to do with sexual abuse. He isn't 'healthy' so why put the expectation on him that he should be?He was very vunerable with you, and that is big time hard for a man to do.If you wanted to have sex in your relationship; then you should have ended things with him because he told you, you won't be getting it as much as you like or think you should.Yet you stayed and you married him.NOW, you need to get the both of you into counselling. But one thing you may have to accept about the man you now love- he may be so severely abused that he will not be able to give you penetrative sex. He will do all other things.Are you capable about accepting this about him and living and working around this? For me, that's not a great issue. There are plenty of other means to be gratified.I don't doubt he loves you as he trusted you big time with something so private.What can you do? Accept yet get counselling to learn how to communicate to one another effectively and honestly. Grow and love together and work on a solution where you will both be happy. A counsellor will have the tools and techniques to problem solve all of these concerns/issues for you both.TEAMWORK THERAPY is what you can do.
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