A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello Not sure how to process this. I just found out someone I briefly dated was dating his now wife. I feel angry and used. I would never ever date someone taken. The fact that I was an unknowing participant hurts me. Actually the last time I saw him, I felt he tried to force me to have sex. I never saw him again after that because I felt violated. He was an arrogant person too which I did not like. He’d always brag about his PhD schooling and told people he was a doctor long before he even graduated. I feel dirty that I was the side chick without knowing it. I overcame a strong urge to tell his new wife but I realized it’s up to her to figure out who she married. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2021): Tried to force sex -- big time loser. Glad you got out of that. But that dating part "all's fair in love and war" used be the motto. Don't feel guilty about dating a guy who's not married yet -- even knowingly dating someone else. All the good ones have a few, both sexes play the field. 50 years ago I dated my husband and 3 other guys for a year. No ring, no problem.
A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (14 August 2021):
 Unfortunately it happened and it’s now in the past. You were not to blame and you can only regard yourself as being lucky. The poor girl he married is not so lucky as you and only time will tell if their marriage lasts. You can only feel sorry for her and watch and wait.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2021): You weren't aware he was taken; so how would you feel dirty? You should feel dirty if you knew, and continued anyway. I assume he didn't force you, but it was consensual.
Chalk it up to a lesson learned. In the future, inquire as to his present and past relationships, or marital-status. Note his ease of contact and availability; and how accessible he is nights and weekdays. If he happily invites you to meet his friends and family. You only dated briefly, and you don't really have the entire details of what was going-on between them at the time. You might have been a rebound-romance during an on-again/off-again relationship.
I myself, know that yucky-feeling; when you find-out you were messing around with someone already taken. Happened to me once, and that greasy-feeling took a little while to shed. I'm a Christian, and would not knowingly commit adultery. As soon as I knew, even though they were only in the beginning process of divorce (still living together); I shut it down!!!
The ickiness and guilt will fade. It only means you have a healthy conscience and sense of morals. It is was it is, but the incident is long past.
If you have the evil notion in your mind to inform her; it wouldn't be fair to hurt someone who is innocent and unaware. If you do have the morality, and are as conscientious as you seem to be. Just make sure this isn't coming from envy or spitefulness; rather than feeling you were actually wronged in some way. Telling his wife (who has done nothing to you) would mean you're no better than he is.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 August 2021):
 OP,
You aren't the "dirty" one in this equation. YOU are NOT responsible for this man's actions, lies, and choices.
Did he use you? Yes. Because HE is that kind of shitty person.
Did YOU dodge a bullet? When you LISTENED to your "gut" and stopped seeing him when you felt he tried to force you to have sex - YOU showed YOUR class. You knew he was a shitty person. So in my book... YOU WON.
As for his wife. Well, sucks to be her. It IS up to her to figure out what a piece of dung she married, and I hope she does, so SHE too can leave him.
Stop beating yourself up for what HE did. Not your monkey, not your circus.
Chin up. And learn from this. Take your time getting to know someone before you become serious, it might save you some pain in the future.
You did good. Be OK with that. His actions? Is out of your control.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (12 August 2021):
 I know its not made you feel good, and you feel used and betrayed, but as YCBS pointed out you need to draw a line under this and move on. Keep holding on to it and dwelling on it is not healthy, you need to think to yourself that you dodged a bullet here, and lucky you got away when you did.
He is your past, what is done is done, we can't unscramble scrambled eggs.
He does not sound like a very nice person by all accounts, so the fact that he is gone out of your life is surely something to be celebrated.
Time to put this to bed now and move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 August 2021):
 Well done for being the better human being and not inflicting the pain you felt on his wife, who is as innocent as you in this deception.
Now you need to be as kind to yourself as you were to her. Forgive yourself. You cannot be guilty of something of which you were not aware at the time.
You walked away from the relationship. Now you need to draw a line under it and move on. It was not your fault.
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