A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My partner of 12yrs had an affair 5yrs ago which resulted in a child. I only found out about this when the child was 3. His family and friends all knew about it but he forced them to keep quiet as he didnt want to hurt me. Well it has hurt me even more as he and his family had built a relationship with this child. I have a son from a previous marriage and we had decided not to have anymore kids. Then I fell pregnant just before I found out about the affair and we now have a son. I just cnat deal with the pain and humiliation and the fact that everybody kept it a secret for so long. Anyway I dont want anything to do with thie other child and the fact that its a girl hurts me even more because I had wnated a girl so badly I cried for months when I found out I was having another boy. I wish I could heal myself but sometimes I just breakdown and cry and feel like my whole world has come to an end. I've invested so much in this relationship and he went behind my back and cheated on me after he knew that my ex had dont that to me. Please help me feel better about myself as I seem to be feeling worse everyday.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2010): he is just being manipulative so that he doesn't account for his wrongdoing.
his was just not a mistake. it was a blatant ly, a cover up by all concerned.
you need time to heal and plse do not use LOVE as an excuse to not move on. the fact that he doesn't want to acknowledge his wrongdoing and wanting to sweep it under the carpet makes me wonder WHAT LOVE, INDEED?
Your priority is your kids, your job, your sick mum. he never cared for you in the first place so now why should you bother about him. make this time about you and start prioritising you . be strong, be firm in your decisions and know that you have done nothing wrong. what does his mother say in all this ??
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everybody for your understanding. I appreciate all the answers and am considering for now whats best for me and the boys. We all make mistakes but we have to accept responsibility for our wrongdoings. Unfortunately he doesnt see it like that. He wants me to block everything out of my mind and start over. I cant I think about it all the time. I have a stressful job an ailing mother and 2 kids to look after. He says he wishes he would die and I dont even answer him. Its like I cant look into his face for the fact remains everyone lied for 3 years and that hurts me than the actual affair
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A
female
reader, ladyjaye  +, writes (29 April 2010):
 have you thought about what you want? did you walk away because thats best for you or because thats what you were expected to do?? Like I suggested to you before councilling will probably improve your thoughts and feelings for this situation... you need to speak out these issues to someone neutral and as for his mother, she was adhering to her sons wishes... he's her child so unfortunately her loyalties were to him not you. maybe in time you will be able to rebuild this relationship... concentrate on coming to terms with the situation yourself, try not to involve your children until you are sure of your descision... gud luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): i think it is now time for you to take care of you and yourself and your sons. as for everyone else who knew about his cheating, especially his mother, well you owe no one anything. you should not feel bad that you cannot accept his child with that other woman. you need to do what is right for you, even if it means that no contact with this other kid. yes sometimes we have to be cruel t o be kind, and if you do not take care of yourself, no one else would - in your case it has proven true. you need to cut yourself off his mother especially since she seems toxic just like her son. in the end you must decide whether to stay with this man who has not accepted responsiblility for his wrong doings. please make certain you are financially provided for and that you make good financial decisions for yourself and your sons - meaning you need to stategise and you need to make certain that your kids are taken cared of financially if you seperate. this man is providing for the other kid so why not for yours as well.
as i have said please do not feel bad that you cannot make peace with his lies, the evidence of his betrayal and the other woman. get rid of the toxic people from your life . basically do some spring cleaning.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand what everybody is saying but please try and understand how hard this is for me. It feels like my heart has been torn out of my body because I gave everything to this relationship. My eldesr son loves my partner like a father and knows him since he was 1 month old. Its just that I can understand why his mother kept it from me. She had and still has photos in the house of the daughter and everytime I would come there she would hide them away. It humiliates me because I believed they all loved me. The other woman told me that she made holes in the condem because she wanted him and if she had a child he would leave me. I'm not angry with her so much I'm angry with him because he had a family at home. We bought a house together 3 cars and a business. evrything we have done over the years was to benefit our relationship and our family. He lied to the other woman's family as well told them he lived out of town. He took his mother to them when the child was baptised and was standing there posing for photos. He rented a house for the other woman signed lease documents with a false ID and address. He has 2 policies for the child and pays maintenance. My family knows about everything but not all the detail. I'm 38 my eldest son is 12 and the baby is 8 months old. I just feel as if I've been cheated of happiness and when I look at me partner I feel sick. He expects me to act normal but I cant.I dont even go to his mother anymore and none of his friends want anything to do with him. Its been very hard for me to just walk away I really love him but I just dont trust him
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A
female
reader, ladyjaye +, writes (28 April 2010):
have you considered councelling both for the relationship and for you... to be honest if it was me then i would be gone but you obviously have a lot invested in this relationship... the daughter of his whether you like it or not must have a relationship with your son, its not her fault it was your partner who has made the mistake... try to write down all your feelings in a letter and give it to your partner be honest dont hold back what he did was wrong.. if you do it in this way then you get your point across without him interrupting... it may help if he replies to you in the same way for the same reasons... if you go for councelling to resolve your feelings then you can decide whether it is worth carrying on with the relationship... gud luck!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 You need to accept reality . You will have to accept that events have happened and you will have to make peace with yourself first and then with your surroundings.
Forgive him and decide if you want to stay in this relationship or to move on .
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