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writes: Hi I wouldn't usually ask questions on sites like this but I really need some advice-not even really advice but maybe to make me feel better :/. I recently met a guy online who is a technician in the army, he is based about an hour from me,he's 27, has mild autism and has a young son who lives in his hometown with his ex (just a brief update about him don't know if it will make any difference to advising me). On the dating site it said he was looking for a relationship, we chatted for about a week and then set up a date, it all went really well but I was set on keeping my options open and still going on the other dates that I had arranged. Within about 2 weeks we had already had four dates all of which went absolutely amazingly. I was still going on dates but really started to like him and it seemed like the feeling was mutual...I've met about 4 guys since my 8 year relationship with my sons dad ended 2 years ago and had no idea about dating so I got hurt and let down on most occasions, I met my sons dad at 18 and I'm now 29 and I didn't realise how much times had changed so after those trial and errors I started thinking about what I actually really wanted in a guy and I also became more aware that guys can't always be trusted (not saying girls can't sometimes either) so I kind of knew what Iwas looking for this time or looking out for..and this guy ticked all the boxes, I told him I was a lil untrusting and opened up about some of my past experiences with guys and each time that I thought yep here it goes he's gona let me down, he always done something to reassure me.I never asked for reassurance it just felt like finally I had net someone who got me and was really similar in what he expects out of a relationship. After 3 weeks I started thinking wow this is what I've been waiting for, it wasn't even the things he said, I also waited for him prove what he was saying too and he did.we spoke loosely about the future and he asked me how I felt about marriage etc, he bought that subject up 3 times, he also said he felt like he was falling for me.After 3 weeks he said he was taking his dating profile down and asked me to be exclusive..i wasnt hesitant in my mind at all because we just clicked and there were no games but i did hold out for a few more days and got advice from friends and family because i have a son of 7 and wanted to be sure.they all said going by everything i had said to just give it a proper shot and that he sounds like a decent person who knows what he wants which is how it should be.Soo, trying to cut a long story short, i took my dating profile down and became exclusive. I seriously had never been happier, it all just fell into place, we started spending more time together and got closer than ever, we were both completely loved up to be honest, i did question if it was too good to be true but that was because of past experiences and my suffering with anxiety didnt help,my friends and family said it is moving fast but that usually the way ut should happen is that you both just know,when its the right one the drama disappears and the hurt and the questioning everything just isnt there,so i went with that...i still kept my guard up a little because i know not everyone can be trusted...i had also dated an army guy a month after my ex and had heard horrible storys about guys in the army but we talked all of that out and he seemed totally and utterly genuine. Im a really intuitive person always have been, ive actually wondered if its some kind of gift at times and there was nothing telling me that he was lying in the slightest.i introduced him to my brother and his girlfriend and the week after he was going to take me to birmingham to meet his parents and he was going to meet my mum and dad too. He started spending most nights with me and every other weekend from friday to sunday night (my son is at his dads every other weekend) and we would just do what any normal couple do and went out and just enjoyed being together.up to this point nothing had happened to make me doubt him.i obviously questioned who he stayed with when he went to birmingham to see his son and he said at his mum and dads it all seemed legit, i did wonder once if there could be something going on with his ex but told myself not to let my anxiety get in the way and told myself he was on a dating site lookingvfor abd exclusive relationship, he spends most of his free time with me, he wouldnt of made a point of becoming exclusive or meeting my family etc so just tried to keep all that in mind.i asked him about his ex and he said the ended it 10 months ago,that also seemed a legit amount of time to move on.Ok,getting to the nasty bit now...one night for absolutely no reason i just had this horrible feeling come over me,he hadnt done anything to cause me to worry,he was hardly ever on his phone he never gave me anything to worry about but i just had this feeling.i was lying next to him in bed and i said dave i feel sick and i my heart was beating so fast i thought i was gona have a panic sttack,he asked if i was ok and i said no im not something feels wrong,so i got up and text my friend,i said something isnt right,she assured me he had done nothing to make me worry and that it was just my anxiety,i went to bed and i told him it was like i felt that i couldnt be near him,i just wanted him away from me,he tried to calm me down and i fell asleep.following morning i woke up and without even thinking i logged into xbox live (he had given me his password so me and my son could watch Netflix and I just instinctively went into the account info and her name was on their, I searched her name on Facebook and just like that I see that he's in a relationship with his sons mum and yevwas in the background photo...I cried so hard that I was actually physically sick.I sent her a message asking if what I was seeing was right because I was in a state of shock,I rung my brother in tears and even he couldn't believe it and hes usually a bit negative about any guy I date. Dave text me his normal morning message and I couldn't reply I was in such a state.I went round my friends and spoke to her.he kept texting me asking why I hadn't responded and if I was ok and it just made me feel sick.I replied that evening and just came out and asked him what the hell was going on.he begged me to talk to him and explained that he fell inlove with me and couldn't help seeing me and that he loves me,that he hasn't loved her for ages.I've not responded to his begging text and calls for 4 days,what is left to say?,I'm finding it so hard because I now love him and he never gave me the choice in that,feel like my hearts been ripped out.he hasn't once said in his texts that he will leave her and even if he did I doubt I could ever trust him...he just keeps saying let me explain I can't come with this I love you but he's giving me nothing concrete to go on.I obviously feel bad for her too but I had no idea about any of it and now my feelings are involved too and I'm hurting so the pain is the only thing I can focus on at the moment.I know what I have to do and that's just get over it and walk away but I'm just devestated, I was hoping for a future with him which he gave me every reason to believe as well and I'm just stumped ..I've had guys treat me poorly at times and I know everyone can cheat but I've never known someone to set up a whole other life with someone while already in a relationship.he spent most of his time with me and im just so confused.feels like I've been dropped from space onto m moy head.sorry for the essay but thought if I was going to ask for advice its best to tell everything .I don't know what I'm looking for on here but really need someone to talk to and opinions to help me get through this.I will appreciate any comments so much.thanks x
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies,I do know I moved fast but I was set on not doing that, I had other dates lined up at the time too and was just having fun with it but my brother and I are really close and even though it was my decision to get into the relationship my brothers advice of giving it a proper shot along with actually really wanting to and believing that he was who he said he was made me come to that decision. Next time I will be more cautious but I do appreciate your advice, thank you xx and I also believe that he loves me but like you say even if he does that would never be enough now.I know he is definitely with her because he admitted it in one of his messages but still insists he doesn't love her and is begging me to the talk to him.I guess I just have to try my best to move on now,just hurts and you're right, at the moment I'm still in shock and can't get my head around why the hell anyone would do that. Usually guys who cheat never push someone else to be exclusive,I know that because my friend got herself in a situation last year.Just so confusing and I honestly think if he could of got away with it he would of set up a life with me here too and carried on with her also. Thanks for replying its helped x
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 October 2014):
 Lots of red flags here.
Talking marriage after only 3 weeks, it's just too soon. (as you found out, you don't KNOW another person after 3 weeks) Even being exclusive and intimate (IMHO) is too soon.
You said he ticked all the boxes - or .. he read you fast enough to come across as ticking all the boxes.
I'm sorry that you got your heart bruised by this guy. I think the BEST thing you can do, is REMOVE him in EVERY way from your life. Block/delete his phone number, un-friend/delete from FC and anywhere else.
Even IF he came back and claimed he would dump his GF for you, you would NOT be able to trust him. Because how long till he did THAT to you with someone else ?- SO do NOT think of that as a "solution" to your problem.
YOU need to slow down. I get it that you don't want to be alone, but you REALLY need to try and take thing WAY WAY slower.
And you MIGHT want to consider dealing with your anxiety before you try and date again.
ONE positive thing in all of this? YOU had a gut feeling. And you were right. THAT was NOT your anxiety speaking that was your intuition. Trust it.
IF something seem to good to be true? It USUALLY is.
Whatever he DID was NOT your fault. I want to point that out.
HE should NEVER have been on a dating site, if he wasn't LOOKING to date, unfortunately you find JUST as many people (men and women) on dating sites who are just trolling for sex, attention and affection as you might find single people. Which is sad, because things like this happens. And the ONLY one getting hurt, is you. HE will find some other chick and when SHE find out, another, then another. You might not even have been the first he pulled this number on. Which... MIGHT be why he read you so well and played his part so well. Because that is what he did. HE played a part. OF a loving single guy looking for love. When he REALLY just wanted a on-the-side "gf" because he is "bored" with his relationship or WHATEVER pathetic excuse.
YOU didn't MAKE him lie to you. YOU didn't MAKE him use you in this ill manner. YOU didn't MAKE him cheat and lie. THOSE were his choices. PISSPOOR choices. SO DO NOT assume responsibility for those choices. ONLY your own.
And as I don't want to "kick" someone who is down, but... you made the poor choice of jumping in with both feet. That is not the worst. That is TRYING to be trusting. Being trusting is NOT a bad thing. Trusting the WRONG person, well that CAN be a bad thing. So hence my advice to GO wayyyyyyy slower next time. NOT all guys out there are like this. NOT all guys are untrustworthy.
GIVE yourself time to get to know a person (and I DO NOT mean over text and IM) but face to face. MEET his friends, met his family (not after 3 week but maybe 3 months?) then introduce him to yours.
Don't let this defeat you. Don't think that you can't do better. You can.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 October 2014):
 My first instinct is to go ballastic on this guy so you wont take him back. Because I know that heart broken girls often end up going back to the dicks who will only just keep hurting them... Because they "love him". So lets get that out of the system: he's an idiot, do NOT even consider taking him back, don't talk to him, move on, there are better fish in the sea!
Then, as I read your long post (next time include some more pauses please, huge chunks of text is hard to read), I started to think maybe you don't want someone to back you up and tell you to get rid of the guy. Maybe you really want to know why this happened, why he did what he did, and how to grasp it. Because it is a shock, and feels unreal. You don't know how to process it. So I will try to explain what I think happened, and how I see this, from an outsiders perspective.
I think he did indeed fall for you. His feelings were genuine, and what he told you about his "ex" was true, to some degree. He lied about having broken up with her 10 months ago, but then again, did he really lie? A facebook status, it's just a status after all. I say this because, when I ended things with my last ex, I left the facebook status up for about a month or two AFTER the breakup. This was because I just couldn't handle all the public attention, and we were keeping a low profile due to many other circumstances (although I did remove it before entering a relationship with someone else, I did have that status up while dating others...). He's got a child with this woman, and probably maaaaany common friends. Maybe there is something about this that made him want to keep the status up, as to "ease" into singlehood, instead of just jumping into it and cutting all ties.
I'm not saying it's the right thing to do, but it could explain why he feels single, yet officially he's not. Maybe he had a talk with the ex about breaking up, and she wanted a break instead, whereas he saw it as being single and moved on. Yet he kept that door open a bit, for who knows what reason. He didn't end things properly with her, for whatever reason (maybe to avoid drama) but wanted out all the same.
I mean, if they were actually in a relationship she'd have objected to him living in another city and hardly ever seeing her or their son, I'd think. So clearly, not everything is great in that department, and things probably are more over than still going on. Yet some parts went on, such as the facebook profile, and maybe official statuses etc. And maybe a kiss or a snuggle here or there (but this I'd not speculate too much on).
So this explains why he carried on the way he did. Some people have a real hard time letting go of the past. Some people are too scared to move on, unless they have a "back-up" ready for them. I have a friend who wouldn't leave her boyfriend unless she had some other man ready to take her on. She was so afraid of being single. Is it the decent thing to do? No. But it happens, some people are scared, and terrified of moving on without having a "safe spot" to move to, which in this case would be you.
Bottom line though is that he was dishonest. He was looking out for himself, and not being fair to you. You deserved to know the truth up front, instead he tricked you into thinking all ties were cut with the ex, when the ties were still there. The rule of thumb is to always end one relationship before starting another, and in his case he started a relationship with you before properly ending the other.
But even if he now decides to cut her out and properly end things.. he still deceived you. Nothing he does from here in out will remove what he did. It shows his character, you know. His true colours. Often, we do not get to see this before about a year into a relationship, but in his case the skeleton in the closet was too big to be held in for longer. So you found out sooner. It's a good thing, really. Imagine if you ended up marrying him, and THEN finding out how he lied to you at the beginning of your relationship. That would be much much worse.
Also, do not confuse your DREAMS for the future with this man, with the reality of who he was. You lost your dreams, not the dream man. He was never your dream man. All you lost here was the hope that he was the dream man. You didn't lose anything else. You grew feelings for him, but many of those feelings were for a man you THOUGHT he was. Maybe you did jump in too fast, and instead of loving who he actually was, you loved the idea of who he was. The reality hit you, and you lost the dream... But he's still himself, you know. He was then the one he is now, so that's not changed. All that has changed is that you lost your dream.
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