A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel weird posting something on here, but I really don't know what else to do. I had been in an amazing and strong relationship. He is my best friend and knows me better than anyone. It's hard to explain how close we are, or were. I'm a senior and he left for college this year but we had made plans to stay together and planned our future together, so as hard as college was going to be..we thought we would be fine. At the end of the summer he kind of ended things with me though.. well not completely ended but "seeing how things go." I have been having so so much trouble dealing with this. I miss him so much, all the time. It just feels so weird not having him with me all the time. But this is not even the real problem... or why I'm posting this question. I found out just a couple days ago that when I went out of town over the summer, he hung out with this guy who he ended up kind of having feelings for, to put it bluntly. I have been in such shock. This was the first guy and only guy he has ever thought about in that way. He says that if he tries to think of other guys it just makes him feel sick. It seems like after hearing this I wouldn't want to be with him any more, but the truth is I am just as in love with him. But that's because he is still the same person and I can't erase the memories we have or forget about how I feel with him. He is still my best friend and the closest person to me. He said that the reason he couldn't tell me is because he does still love me and still sees himself marrying me and everything, and he didn't want this to change how I see him or how I feel about him. I mean, obviously, it changes things, but I just can't make this make me not want to be with him. I know that he is going through a lot right now and it must be so hard, and I hate that he is hurting.. because I truly love him..on so many different levels. But this is also so hard for me to be going through. It's just too much. I feel like it is all a bad dream and isn't really happening to us. He says that he just needs time and he wants me to wait for him to figure things out, but that he understands if I can't do that after finding all this out. I really just don't know what to do and I have no one to talk to because it would be wrong of me to tell this to anyone. Although it strongly affects me, it is not mine to tell. His friend who also knows about this tells me that she thinks it is only a phase and that people go through phases like this..but that's hard for me to believe? I just don't know what to do or what to think. Basically, I am just looking for some advice or if anyone else has been through something like this and knows if it is possible to be going through a phase.. or what you think this means? I'm sorry this is really long, and I'll be lucky if anyone even reads it, but I don't know where else to go to for help. This is just so much to handle.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 January 2009):
 How awful for you to find out that the guy you have feelings for has had feelings for another person, and that person happens to be male! I'm sure it's very confusing and unsettling. Just when you thought things were fine, this has come along to totally upset things.
Oh, honey, I wish I could be all sunshine and light in this, but life has this awful habit of throwing major curve balls at us. Just when we think we have it all figured out, bammo! here come's another one.
So I'm an old married lady giving advice to a young, fresh girl with her whole future ahead of her.... take it all with a grain of salt and use what you can of my words.
I'm not trying to diminish the plans you've made or the feelings you have, but you are at the threshold of major changes in your life. Starting college is a huge step, for him and for you, and things will never be the same. You will change and grow and hopefully do all this safely and with your eyes wide open.
So I think you need to give him that space and take this time to take care of yourself. He may work through it and come back, but my guess is that even if he doesn't wind up with this particular guy, he's moving away from you. And it's not because of you, it actually doesn't have anything to do with you. He's going through his own explorations of himself and it sounds like his sexuality too, and there may be some more surprises in store for him.
What I'm suggesting you do is that you unhitch yourself from him right now. Don't cling to him and try to keep things the way they were. They never will be again, I'm very sorry to report to you. That's the thing about life, those curve balls I mentioned before, things change, if they are static, well, then you're really really old, quite possibly catatonic.
So I want you to grieve for the loss of what you had with him, but look forward to forging that new relationship with him, and new friends and potentially new love interests as you move on through the next few years of your life. Start writing in a journal, keep records of all this for your future self. I did a little of that, and I so wish I had done more. I read what I was going through then, and it all seems so long ago, and those intense feelings I experienced have mellowed out into fond memories and sweet remembrances. I think this will happen with you too, you're just at the start of it all. Lucky you. Yes, I know that this is all very upsetting with him, but try to pull back and look at it with a wider perspective and clear eyes, not misty rose-colored lenses that miss the truth because they are looking for the illusions.
I think you could get support from friends in this. Just let them know that he's pulling away from you and you think there might be someone else. You don't need to mention the gender if you don't feel comfortable. Or you could just say he's moving on from you and don't mention anybody else. This way you can get some immediate support from people close to you and you won't feel so alone, which I'm sure is how you're feeling.
Good luck and I envy you your new, fresh journey.
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