A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:first off hi and thanks for reading!My boyfriend of 18 months and i are in what i would view as a happy relationship, we get on really well, are communicative, care for each other, both take and give the same amount etc etc.The issue i am encountering at the moment is arising, i feel, because possibly he cares too much, to the extent that wanting what's best for me turns into trying to take away my ability to make decisions and solve problems for myself. I am always appreciative of his help, and do value his input into my personal issues and problems,but recently i just feel like he is trying to tell me what to do at the sacrifice of me doing what i feel is best for me. For example, trying to warn me off certain career paths if he does not think i'm cut out for them.. Now, i'm glad he feels he can tell me these things and would not want him to lie and say i'd be good at anything, but i would like him to respect if i choose to have a go at them anyway. Also, my laptop recently broke, and i have 3 months until finishing university. I do not see the point in buying a new one which i cannot afford, as i can do my work in the library, however he thinks i am just being stubborn and will not accept the fact that although i have listened to what he has to say, what i want to do is not what he wants me to do. I have tried telling him that i respect him and listen to his opinions and tried to let him know that it isn't something worth arguing over but this only causes more grief. I don't want to hurt him or annoy him but i have lost the ability to make my point that my decisions are mine to ultimately make without getting annoyed. I don' want t argue over petty things like these, in the past i have caved and just done what he thinks best but i do not want that to become a habit. I know he cares for me and in general is not controlling, i would just like to know how to approach the subject without causing arguments. Thank you for any input!
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female
reader, curious0hot  +, writes (4 February 2010):
 It seems that you're already doing all you can to avoid the argument.
But some suggestions,
"Yeah, that's a good idea but I would rather..." or "That makes sense, but I think I'll..."
With the two things you mentioned, tell him (a) "I will support your career choice as much as I can. Will you do the same for me?" (b) "I see what you mean about the laptop, and I will be glad to have whichever one you pay for."
:D
A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (4 February 2010):
 Too late - it already is a habit - but it may not even be his fault in a way, ... I am pretty sure this annoying shit get's programmed in to their male dna lol.
Women like to talk about things, ..men like to fix them.
My ex was shocking for this and I oft had to tell him I just want to mention a prob and have you listen, not skip the whole compassion part and move on to fixing it.
Anything I ever tried to do, he would wanna swoop in and not help (help would be nice) but actually take over to the point that I felt like a project was not even mine anymore and would turn off and lose interest in my plans. And if I still went ahead with something and managed to get him to take a back step and let me do my own thing, he would comment on it flat out, how he thought it could be better, how it should have been done in his opinion, ... but what it seemed to amount to in the end was just various forms of criticism. This extended in to dealing with people, running my business, doing house work, how I drive, ...everything! Drove me batty!
I tried explaining this to him countless times, advised him that most of what I heard out of his mouth was just negative, and when that is all the input/programming, the relationship was gunna suffer for it.
Do you think he would listen even when I warned him it was effecting our interactions so much that it was one of the reasons I was considering leaving him? Nope, he just would not see the problem from my perspective and refused to address it coz he simply thought I should just listen to him and there was nothing to address.
I left him eventually, but my god, even that did not stop it! He would come to my house and start telling me what i should be doing, how to do it, what i should have done differently, .... and on and on. Grrr lol.
I had to be a bit of a bitch in the end (and that sucks) and tell him 'it's my life, my house, I will do what I blooming want and when i blooming want to, and if i want your help I will ask for it specifically. You can either choose to help with what i ask you to do and do that alone, or don't help at all, ...but you are no longer the director of operations in my life'.
It is actually sinking in a bit lately, finally, but too late for the damage done when we were together, yet still, ..I hate lying and this week told him something had not arrived in my mail that I needed to work on a project for the simple reason I wanted to slap it all together myself and show him when it was done but knew he would want to take over the building if he thought the stuff had arrived to do it ..lol. You men makes us be sneaky sometimes lol
My new guy has at times tried to take over things too, ..again wanting to be helpful, but again underestimating my ability. At least tho he is aware it was one of the reasons I left my ex, so realizes after he does it, apologizes, and step backs. I have a suspicion tho that that could wear off in time (being so conscious of me finding it an issue to not be allowed my independance) and he could turn out just the same as the ex, ... but as i said, i think it's in their gene's or something lol.
That was more a rant than anything constructive, ...but if anyone knows a way to beat this shit out of men's gentic coding, I for one would looovvvveeeee to hear about it too lol.
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