A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I'm 27 years old and I'm beginning to wonder if there's something wrong with me. I'm a lesbian by the way, just to get that out and open before I even really begin.I've watched as every single one of my close friends has met someone, settled down, and seem so damn happy. And I've thought to myself "why can't you ever settle down and be happy like that?" I feel like I want that really bad but I don't ever know how to get attached or stay satisfied for more than a brief period in time. I guess I like the idea of a close, committed relationship, but when push comes to shove, I don't really feel like I'm "wired" that way, so to speak. I've come to learn in my experiences in life that I enjoy sex. A lot. But I enjoy it with lots of different women, not just one repetitive partner. I love the feeling of newness and the raw excitement of being with someone for the first time. And after, I feel no attachment or desire to pursue a relationship with that person. Sex is absolutely just that - sex. Nothing more. I love everything about women. They're beautiful. I find so much attractive about us. And I don't feel as though I can commit to just one female. I've even found someone here recently who is everything I would ever want in a relationship, yet I still can't get attached to her. I can't commit to just her. She's told me she loves me and I couldn't say it back because I just don't feel it. But I know that I should by now.. its been months. But I just can't seem to be monogamous. When people start to get close, I start to feel uncomfortable and I withdraw. And while it's nice at times because if you don't have emotions invested, you can't get hurt, it's also lonely. I guess what I'm asking is if there is something wrong with me, or if its just differences among people. I've been told on countless occasions I need therapy for my "issues." Now I'm wondering if that's a valid point or if I'm fine, I just have a different preference. I'm just scared of being lonely forever. Advice please!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): I'm not being mean but it's sounds as though you're suffering from narcassism which can be successfully treated with psychiatric counseling and psychiatric medication if necessary, which doesn't make you a bad person. You've taken the hardest step which is acknowledging your issue. Now the rest will be easy and enrich your life. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist. You will rise above your issue.
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (17 January 2012):
 I can only give you a few broad suggestions on why you feel this way, as I am not a shrink.1. Maybe at the age of 27 you're simply not interested in settling down and having a serious relationship. Instead you prefer to do casual sex without any emotions attached.2. You're a commitment-phobe and/or have problems connecting to people emotionally3. Since sex is your motivating factor, it could very well be that you're shagging women whose personalities you don't care for. You bag them and move on instead of doing the whole dating spiel of getting to know someone, establishing an emotional connection and then having sex. 4. You are a playboy [mod note: presumably this aunt means playgirl], I have an uncle who is well into his 50's and has cheated on every woman he has ever been with. Granted he was in love a few unlike you, but he will forever remain a bachelor because he is not a one-woman man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): I think you are fine...just be honest with yourself and your partners. Don't lead other women on to think that you are going to get serious with them. If you want fun and sex right now, then have it, safely of course. You may remain feeling this way, and you may not. Time and maturity will tell...Usually with age, comes maturity and a different perspective on one's life and what and who they want in it. There may come a time when you do feel there is something missing....that you want real intimacy, love and committment in your life, and then you will be ready, willing and very interested in having a serious committed, relationship with one person. When the time is right, you will know. Don't over analyze it. It's more important that you are aware of where you stand and that you are honest and true to yourself throughout the process.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): "I love the feeling of newness and the raw excitement of being with someone for the first time. And after, I feel no attachment or desire to pursue a relationship with that person."Yes, this is a "problem", and it is manifest in many ways in people's lives.You are not being truly intimate with these people. Not at an emotional level, only at a physical level.Seek out counseling, try to figure out why you are this way, at least you will know.Masters and Johnson discovered something interesting in their research, committed, long term, dedicated, homosexual and lesbian partners had the highest reported sexual satisfaction levels with their sexual encounters. After them were committed and dedicated long term heterosexual partners.Everyone else, regardless of how technically skilled they were, fell behind that.It is the emotional content of the actions that makes the difference. You are not connecting at the emotional level, only the physical level.There is always a reason...almost always abuse, neglect, etc.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 January 2012):
 First of all, if you feel like therapy is a good option for you, then pursue it without shame, because there should be absolutely no stigma to doing everything in your power to help yourself if you need it.
That being said, I think your being a lesbian has nothing to do with what your issue is. You have an issue with maturity and with intimacy. Having sex and having that initial raw "girlfriend" experience isn't the same as true intimacy. You don't have to feel accountable to share your true self with someone, and likewise, you don't have to worry about dealing with the less than flowery emotions that comes with really letting someone into your life.
Personally, if you dismiss emotions so as to not get hurt, you end up getting hurt over and over again. It's not only lonely, but it's really sad that you life your life in terror of others. I do think that a counselor and a therapist could help you get to the root of why you're so afraid.
You might make a start with this girl you're with now who says she loves you. Have you been honest with her about how you feel? I mean, honest like what you've just said on here? You're not "wired" different. You just haven't allowed yourself to mature in the showing of intimacy. You're like shallow soil. You make friends and lovers quickly, but don't feel like you could keep them if you showed too much of yourself, and likewise, you don't want to know too much about them because it causes you to be uncomfortable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2012): You have commitment issues. So yes that is a problem that needs to be dealt with. Somewhere alone the lines u were hurt so now u deal with emotions through avoidance....hoping that this will be lovely n pain free. Reread your post in third person and you may realize how sad n miserable it sounds. A monogamous relationship involves emotions and building emotions, same as a polygamous relationship.....it involves love emotions trust but with many. You fear anyone who gets too close. I don't know a lot but what I do know from reading your post is you have a problem.
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