A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So after being horribly abused and used by two different women (I won't go into details, but the end result was me having a complete mental breakdown), I had finally rebuilt myself from the ground up, and I was feeling confident in who I was. After the ordeal, I had zero interest in any type of relationship except to make friends. The way I figured it, I would do whatever I wanted for a few years, solidify my stability, and if I ended up with someone, then so be it.Well, I met someone. We met online, and instantly clicked. Within 3 months she flew down for a visit, and a month later I spent christmas with her family. She has turned out to be a perfect match for me, in ways I didn't even know mattered. I have a lot of special needs, as does she, and we lovingly care for each other, without being dependent on each other.We love each other very much, and spend a lot of time (and I do mean a LOT, at least 2 hours a day, more when we are both off) just cuddled up, watching tv or a movie, or playing card/table games. We love to spend time together, and we miss each other horribly (but acceptingly) when we are apart.The only problem in this whole mix, is that I don't find her sexually attractive. At all. She has a very high sex drive, and I find myself having to force myself to have sex with her. It's not that I have a low libido, I just don't find her sexually desirable. We are both large people, and I don't mind a heavy set girl, but her fat is in all the wrong places. She has a horrible double chin, no butt, and a large stomach that hangs over her "pooch". The only part of her that arouses me is her large breasts, but honestly, it doesn't make up for everything else.On top of this, she has PCOS, so she has hair on her lip and chin, so when even when I am cuddling with her, and I try to nudge her face with mine, or run my hand over her face, I get to feel lady stubble, which is not sexy.If she lost weight (which she is trying (and failing) to do) it would make it easier, but even then I'm just not sure.I love her so much, and in so many other ways, but I just don't want to have sex with her. And to make matters worse, she has asked that I don't masturbate because all of my orgasms should be shared with her. Which I end up doing in secret and feeling like an ass because if I didn't I would go out of my mind.I don't know what to do! Help?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 November 2010):
 Wow, I am very happy for you. Unfortunately most people don't tolerate talking about these things and such a conversation only end up in deep hurt and anguish. You are fortunate to be with someone whom you can talk this openly with, and who actually is willing to work on it with you! Best of luck to you both :)
And yes, we do like hearing feedback on how it goes.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2010): I'm not quite sure if it's right or not to post a reply to my own question on this site, as I've never used it before.
However I wanted to say thank you to those of you who replied for giving words to my feelings. Because of this, I was finally able to broach the subject with her last night and talk things out.
She is worth whatever efforts it may take to make things work, and she feels the same way about me, and neither of us feel like giving up an otherwise perfect relationship over one aspect makes any sense at all, as we both love each other very much.
The conclusion of our conversation was that we are both going to lose weight together, and I am going to dip into my savings to give her laser hair removal on the places that bother us both. We also decided to explore a little bit with the sex itself and spice it up a little to make it more attractive for us both.
Thank you again for giving me the words to talk about this with her, I really appreciate your help.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (17 November 2010):
To repetitive-edge: you can't force yourself to be physically attracted to someone. Accepting them for who they are is about ignoring that annoying habit they have, or let them do things you wish they didn't, or not needing them to be perfect, but allowing a few flaws.
However you can not force yourself into finding someone sexually attractive. They either are to you or they aren't. It's not about acceptance. He fully accepts her for who she is, which is why he is with her in the first place, but even though he has accepted everything he still isn't attracted to her physically or sexually.
And no, you own looks have NOTHING to do with this. That would imply that "perfect" people shouldn't have to accept any flaw with their partner, hence only date equally "perfect" people. It doesn't work that way, or at least I hope not. THAT would be pretty shallow. Accepting that you don't find facial hair attractive is not shallow at all. It's called personal taste. And we all have that.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 November 2010):
Just break up with her already. What exactly do you think you are doing here, making her happy? Is this making yourself happy? Whats the purpose of this charade and lies? Just forget about a relationship with her, you are constantly lying to her (she thinks you actually find her attractive) and then you lie to her about masturbating. I don't even see why on earth you lie to her about that, you are allowed to masturbate if you want to. She can ask you not to, but it's your own body and honestly it's healthy to masturbate. You said yourself you'd go crazy if you couldn't. So all thats happening now is that you are getting shamed for doing something that pleases you and is quite normal.
So first step: tell her you want to masturbate and that you will continue to do so. Tell her you tried not doing it for her sake, but that it drives you crazy and you want to continue with it.
Or you could just break up with her, thats where this is leading anyway. Do you really think you can make her happy when you have to force yourself to have sex with her?
I think you love the idea of having a companion, but both you and her deserve someone who is attracted to them, wont have to lie about it, and will be for each other what couples normally are in a relationship.
So you can tell her you love her, but that you have come to realize she isn't the one for you.
PS. even if she looses weight she will still be fat/chubby, the fact she went down might not change her appearance at all, just make less, but there'll still be a lot. She won't turn into a model anytime soon. She'll probably always be big. And the facial hair will stay as well. Imagine a life-time of forcing yourself to have sex with someone you love as a person, but don't appreciate the physical aspect of. At some point she'll want to take the relationship further than long distance. Save her the time, energy, money and heartache and let her go!
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 You feel no physical attraction and you won't be able to keep the romance alive. PCOS is a horrible condition. I have this condition and the insulin resistance component makes it easy to gain weight, and very hard to lose. However, it is possible to lose weight - I lost over 20kg after I was diagnosed by lifestyle changes. Your girlfriend should be aiming to lose weight if she is obese - Metformin medication and a low-carb diet are the key to this. PCOS makes you hairy, but losing weight deals with the hormonal imbalance and there are plenty of hair-removal therapies available such as laser. However, she shouldn't diet and exercise for you - she needs to identify weight loss as something that will lower her risk of heart disease, female cancers, infertility and diabetes which are higher with PCOS. If you want to stick with the relationship, you need to encourage her to follow a healthy lifestyle by example. You say that you are a large person so why don't you both diet and exercise together - it would help the mental health issues too. If you really care about the girl this would be the way to go forward. If you don't think it is worth leading by example, ditch the girl so she finds someone who is willing to put in the effort.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (16 November 2010):
 Then why are you with her? If she's that sightly and you don't want to have sex with her...you have yourself a friendship. Even if she lost weight, you don't even know if that would be enough. Dump her because she's not want you want.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 November 2010):
 It would be very easy to say that your problems with this woman are due to your past horrible experiences. Maybe she's a great woman, only you don't find her attractive? I have that feeling.
If you don't think you can fall for her in the future, then the obvious better thing to do is to break up. It will be a very difficult thing to do, but you have to think about what would happen in the future.
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