A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I took my boyfriend back after he cheated on me. the thing is I truely love him and cant let him go. He broke myy heart and i still feel numb. I know it's over between him and the girl, he endedit (she told me- after he ended it as she was angry (she always knnew he had a girlfriend) and announced on facebook she wanted me to hurt himlike he hurt her and she hoped by telling me id dump him and hed goo back to her). it still hurts like hell. He cried when I found out and kept appologising,initally I was going to leave him but it hurt toomuch and decided id be sadder without him. he says he never appreciated me and what we had and doesnt want to lose it and she was a big mistake, he said he felt insecure in the relationship like he wasnt good enough for me and got jealous the way he saw other guys look at me, he said he was scared I was going to hurt him.I know it doesnt make it right but since hes bought me flowers and jewellery and taken me out for surprises and wants us to go on holiday this week. he said he was an idiot and will never hurt me again and truely loves me and can now sees i really do love him and wants us to get marrried..hes thought of places,possible food etc and says im the one he wants to be with forever and he feels guilty for hurting me and has never felt so loved or been happier and says he was stupid he could not see it before and was scared i would hurt him.i really want us to work and i cant just stop loving him but i get images of them together inmy head and it crushes me and i cant just forget and how do i get the trust back,i trusted him 100% beofore.
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female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (3 March 2014):
 It can take a long time to trust again after something like that happens and in some cases, the cheated on partner might never get completely over it or perhaps later down the line feel that cheating on the cheater is justified. I know it hurts to think of breaking up with him and possibly all you crave at the moment is for things to be how they were beforehand. What you really need to do is take a step back and really look at your boyfriend's traits. Is he really, really the guy you want to be with? Sometimes the fear of losing someone can make us hold on all the tighter, when what we really should be doing is letting go.
If you're certain he's worth the risk of staying with, then be gentle on yourself and understand that it could take years to regain the broken trust and he has to be willing to allow you that time to regain it. Trust has to be earned not bought with flowers or holidays or anything else.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (16 February 2014):
 Wow! Sorry but I have to say this, we all make mistakes, and he may be genuinely sorry for his behaviour but, from reading your letter what really galls me is his excuse for cheating on you!
He's blaming you! He felt insecure because he didn't think that he was good enough for you, was jealous of other guys looking at you and was scared you were going to hurt him.
So in a nutshell you weren't making him feeling secure enough, you're too pretty and other guys look at you because of that and he didn't trust you not run off with one of them!
Your boyfriend was so terrified you were going to leave him, he secured his place in your heart how? By having sex with another girl, which he would probably still be doing if you hadn't found out!
Now, I'm not saying affairs don't happen and I'm not saying that couples can't survive affairs, in fact some relationships become stronger because of them, but you can only get past this with complete honesty.
He is NOT being honest. He slept with this girl because he was weak. He thought with his penis and not his heart. It was exciting because it was forbidden.
He may well be sorry and he may well now realise what you two had together and be terrified of losing it but he needs to be totally honest with you if you two stand a hope of surviving this mess.
You are a very brave young lady to risk your heart by taking him back but then only you can know how you feel in your gut about him.
If you're going to forgive him, you MUST forgive him totally, you can't keep reliving it and bringing it back up BUT you can only do this once ALL the cards are on the table and both of you have told the other how you feel, what you want and what you expect. He has to take ownership of his actions and stop looking for excuses as to why he did it and passing the blame on to others.
Only then can you decide if he is the one for you and start to rebuild your relationship and your life. Until then all thoughts of marriage and the future should be on the back burner.
I wish you well and hope this helps AB x
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