A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I need some views here about a lovely woman I met a few weeks back. We had a few good dates and got along perfectly and shared some common interests and backgrounds. The last time I saw her, she introduced me to a friend of hers and we went on to meet a few other freinds of hers. That evening went well and she even texted me after that saying what a great time she had and that she'd see me after her short holiday.After she came back, I arranged to see take her out somewhere special to tell her how I feel about her and how serious I am. However, she never returned my calls and only sent me emails, postponing this one time after the other. Every time there was an excuse. I'm busy at work or travelling. In the end, she sent an email more or less ending it, because she didn't feel there was much romance and classifying me more of a friend than a serious relationship. Now, here is what I am struggling with. I don't know how a woman's opinion can change all of a sudden like this! I mean, one day it's all going the right way, the other day she's gone!! I can't understand this, but she did not give me the opportunity to speak in person to say what I mean and feel. She did initially ask indirectly if I'm expanding my horizon of friends and said yes. I think she possibly was indirectly asking if I wanted a serious relationship, but why not ask directly? Why keep seeing me after that if she had no interest? Also, is not having been physically intimate (at least kissing) after a few dates enough of a reason to just walk away from someone you are interested in and possibly wanting to develop this into a serious relationship? Isn't romance supposed to be allowed to grow over time or do you have to kiss a woman on the second day to make her know you really really like her and if you don't you're out? By the way, it was not a matter of hygiene or where I took her, as I am very aware of that.I'd appreciate your views, escpecially women, as I am pretty confused and upset by this.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 December 2008):
 Dear female anonymous poster, you're right! "Spilling the seed" is not right - that must be why so many farmers are unhappy; I knew it wasn't the intermediaries after all :-).
On a more serious note, yes, dear anonymous sincere and great female poster, you're right. Those you give can be some of the reasons why the girl dumped the poster. And I like your final advice: don't worry.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): Well Daniel, maybe Abrahams descendants just enjoyed real full sex, instead of 'spilling the seed' ;)Anyways, just to let you know, there's nothing wrong with you. You did everything 'right'. In my case, I passed up some 'great' guys because I wasn't mature enough to Appreciate them... but the reasons could be many: For instance, "she still carries feelings for an ex, religion differences, she 'set' on a certain kind of guy(mistake)...it's a mystery. We are Mysterious, but irresistible right? Well, you are to us too:) Please put your mind at ease and move on. If it is meant to be, it will be. If there's one thing to remember, just be confident and content with yourself (woman like that), Love will find you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (4 December 2008):
If we men were able to understand women all the time, then questions like yours wouldn't be posted every so often here in Dear Cupid.
Women are not men with a funny way of thinking. They think in a way you and I won't always understand; but that doesn't make their way to think any less logical (despite questions such as "Do I look fat?"). By the way, they also find us "funny". For as long as you don't accept, as a fact of life, that we don't all think the same way, you will have trouble.
Maybe it is hard for you to understand why her interest changed so suddenly. Of course, simple logic, male or female, tells you that something happened and that something made her wish to go away. You want to know what it was, so you can fix it. But you can't, and you shouldn't even try. If it were something she wanted you to fix, then she would give you a chance to fix it; but, instead, she's just telling you stay away from her. No matter the logic you use, that is a big "goodbye, and please don't bother to explain anything. I love you and all, only I don't love you at all".
One good piece of advice I received came from a wise man. He said that, when a woman wants you, she makes it easy for you to meet her, see her, whatever. I know for a fact that the opposite is also true: when she doesn't want you around, not even Jehovah of the Armies (colonels, lieutenants, intelligent bombs and all) could get her to have you around. Allah already gave up on this, while Buddha went into deep meditation after ten thousand years of trying. Where do you think Confucius got his name from? A girlfriend he had. She dumped him, and he went around, asking people this kind of questions, and the nickname stuck to him.
You want to explain yourself. You don't have to! She already saw through you and knows you're not for her. Those dates of yours, when you thought you were laying the foundations to get to know her, where her "test period". And you failed the test. This is not because I'm blunt, but because she wants it that way.
The e-mail was not "more or less" ending it. The e-mail ended it, officially. Actually it was like the death certificate of a stillborn child, or the procedure a certain bank used to close my bank account: I had to open one first :-).
Move on and don't worry. Confucius left us that great legacy of his after he decided he would go out, have some drinks, and play Mahjongg (Monopoly hadn't been invented yet) with the rest of the boys. He also developed a good communication style, when people complained he was confusing. After a big hangover, he decided that other subjects of life where more of a reason to suffer about, he became a happy man, and he married a pretty girl (the one with big boobs, mind you) who lived in his village. I understand his descendants have numbered at least seventy seven generations. Only Abraham can beat that :-), but then God has been helping him, with that disapproval of contraception and all.
Don't worry, be happy.
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A
female
reader, Jadedgirl +, writes (4 December 2008):
Hi as woman who has dated a fair bit i can tell you it's unlikely you have done or said anything wrong, she just is not feeling enough of a connection between you to start a serious relationship. I know its disappointing but when you feel ready you should pick yourself up and get out there again as you deserve to be with someone who really appreciates you.
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (4 December 2008):
 She had a short holiday and then went cold on you. She may have met someone else. It is best in some circumstances and nice to take things slowly in relationships and in todays climate where everyone rushes into everything. Maybe she wanted you to be more affectionate and maybe she met someone who is more affectionate at a quicker pace. I would ask her point blank if theres any future for you both. One way or another you will know then which direction to take rather than it being up in the air for you. This isnt fair on you,not knowing where you stand. hope this helps.
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