A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am flip-flopping about kids and I am already 33. My husband is 40. He has a wonderful 18-year-old son from a previous marriage, but I have no natural children of my own. He is not unopposed to have another child but is nervous about being an older father. And I don't want to pressure him. We have not have the most stable marriage and are not the most stable people. But we do love and care for each other deeply, we are best friends. But we are nervous about bringing a child into our lives. We also have many personal goals that we still want to achieve that will have to be done now or never (i.e. grad school, job change).Then there is that outside pressure--my sisters and mother, who heard me say for years that we are not going to have kids and that I don't want one. Then about 6 months ago, I said I do want a child. They already think I'm a fickle mess when in fact I just require a little more time to think things out then they do. So, my issue is two fold. I don't know what I want and I don't know how to coherently tell my sisters and mom these things without them thinking that my husband is selfish or controlling me, or that I'm a total mess. Any suggestions?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008): I can also relate. For your mother and sisters, what they think doesn't particularly matter. If they're going to be judgemental rather than give helpful advice and/or support, exclude them from this subject. Just say that the two of you are thinking about it, and you haven't decided. Anyone who thinks that someone is a mess because they are not leaping prematurely to a decision and because they are sharing that process with their partner... is not qualified to advise.
Otherwise, I have a similar situation. I'm younger than you, my husband is older than yours--the son is nearly the same age though! Our relationship is not as stable as I'd wish--and neither are we. Our lives still need a lot of work and attention. On the other hand, is anyone ever 'finished' with these aspects of life? We make progress every year, but we also lose time and youth every year. So I keep going back and forth.
The working solution I've found for myself is this... I decided, on a rational level, with reasonable standards only, what would I consider necessary before we had kids? Health-wise, lifestyle-wise, relationship-wise, and financially? I work towards these goals, sometimes consistently, sometimes not.
I still don't know for sure what I want. I got a lot of the "have kids now" influence out of my life, so that my judgement would be more independent. And I'm less eager to have them as soon as possible, I must admit. And yet, I think I do know what I want. It's like this: sometimes when I can't make up my mind, I'll toss a coin or something like that. If I don't like what the coin tells me, I've made up my mind--I know I want to do the other thing. (Except for the very rare occasion when both options are unacceptable.) Often, in your heart you know what you truly want, but you have strong doubts and concerns (ie "are we stable enough for kids" or "we might regret not having had them").
So let's say you know what you truly want. (After all, there are huge advantages to both having and not having kids.) But you still have those concerns. Then what do you do? On the rational level, you can work to resolving your concerns somewhat, as I'm doing. (For relationship guidance, check out the Gottmans and Harville Hendrix.)
Beyond that, I don't have the answer. I would like to feel like more of a parent. I would like to be a lot of things that I'm not, that I can only make so much headway on--happier, thrifty, accomplished, organized, consistent, healthier, calmer and more resourceful. I'd like our home to feel more homey and warm. I believe in all this "law of attraction" "abraham" stuff about how you feel the way you want to feel first, and then the manifestation comes to you... yet I can't bring myself really take it seriously and put it into practice. I'm planning to try hypnotherapy for my insomnia problems, and if it works I'll use it for other problems as well--energy, productivity, concentration, anxiety, etc etc. I'm hoping and expecting that there are a few key points where, if I change just a few of those key things, there will be a positive cascade effect and my life will move forward again in a really meaningful, substantial way.
It's not that my life now is so awful. (Although, bottom line, we really do need to be *somewhat* more financially secure.) But I think everybody has a sort of vision for their lives--no matter what your vision is, the desire and the reality have to be reasonably close to each other, or else there's unhappiness, and as the saying goes, when Mama ain't happy, nobody's happy.
If you feel in your heart that you want kids, why not sit down with your husband and spell out the kind of vision you have for yourselves in general, how could kids fit into that? How flexible can you be about these goals?
If you feel in your heart that you don't want kids, I applaud and envy you, because you have outsmarted biology, and will be able to continue going out to movies, having relaxing evenings, private conversations, fewer colds, more money, etc etc etc! ;)
A
female
reader, Midge  +, writes (7 November 2008):
 Okay, I am in the very same boat, so can totally understand you!
I am 33, my boyfriend of 10 years is 42. My parents want me to have kids NOW, and we are saying that we dont know if we want kids now or not. Kids are a blessing and not something to be taken lightly. If you are unsure about having kids, then I would most certainly suggest that you dont until you decide wholeheartedly that that is what you want.
To bring a child into a family that is not "ready" for it, is not something that you want to do. My sister did that, and trust me, there is no return policy with them. Once you got it, its yours!
Now, as far as your mother and sisters are concerned, tell them the same thing I tell mine, "butt out!" Your decision is between you and your husband, not you, your husband and your family!!!!
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