A
male
age
41-50,
*ayual
writes:Am I being unfair or do I have unrealistic expecations?My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now- we are both in our late 20's (we're gay). You would think two guys in their 20's would be going at it all the time- wrong! We're both in shape and have good bodies. I have a very high sex drive- once or twice a day would be great! He would be fine with maybe once a week or so. I can't tell if it's his own homophobia or shyness that makes him uncomfortable with sex or if he just has an usually low sex drive.He will do strange things to- he sometimes initiates a sexual encounter- from kissing to clothing come off and other things, but then all of a sudden he just stops- you can tell when he's over it because he loses his erection, quits kissing me passionately- and often this is followed by- "i'm really hungry, let's finish later" or "let's go do 'x' first and then i'll have more for you later" and then later never comes. When we eat or do whatever, he then says he's frequently says he's too tired to have sex.I've asked him what turns him on, what can I do to turn him on, what can I do to not turn you off, etc.I'm really sexually frustrated! He said when we began dating he was always afraid I was in it for sex because I like it so much- but I have done everything he's asked to show that I do love him and I want great sex but I also want to be there for him when he's sick, to cuddle, to support him in bad times, to go to dinner and a movie with him, etc. I recently told him that when he thought I just wanted him for sex that I now feel the opposite, that he just wants me for companionship and is not sexually interested in me- he strongly denied.Any ideas??
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male
reader, ItsAllGood +, writes (13 December 2008):
It's so funny that as I read this question, everything that was said and done, has been just discussed with my boyfriend. As I am in my mid-30's and my boyfriend is in his early 40's, I thought that I have seen and been through everything when it come to dating and relationship. The conversation we had yesterday really had me really wonder about what a person will do and about compromise. My boyfriend asked me the same question, Can I can handle being in a "companionship." The question that I had to realize is that not can I handle it, but can he handle that I will need to step out to feel satisfied, when he has not reached that level of relationship.While we all understand that the LOVE is real and genuine, IT IS ON our BOYFRIENDS to face that reality that we will SUPPORT them and we will be there for them and trust that we will not hurt them. Now, do I condone stepping out of the relationship? It depends on the communication that you must do. Maybe he wants you to find a 3rd person, so he can watch you become satisfied? Maybe you can step out and not tell him....WHO THE HECK KNOWS! This is where you ask and probe the questions. I think it is up to each of us to know what we can and cannot compromise. If you cannot, then GET THE HECK OUT OF THE SITUATION. However, if you are willing to work it out (and maybe wait until he has a change a heart) and if he is worth it, hang in there and continue to remember the things that made you fall in love with them.
A
male
reader, hayual +, writes (8 November 2008):
hayual is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've made it abundantly clear that I am not happy with our current situation and his reply is "I'm trying" or "I'm working on things" which is not wholly untrue. He has made VERY SMALL steps toward being more open, but we have been together a year and the progress we've made it not satisfactory for me.I've talked with a lot of friends and it seems like therapy is our main option right now. I strongly wonder if something happened to him when he was a kid- something happened and he feels guilty re: sex or if maybe, god forbid, someone hurt him (like molested).
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): Hey mate, I don't have any good advice but know where you're coming from. I am mid 20s, in a relationship with my boyfriend (gay also) for about four years. Once a week or so would also be the ideal for my boyfriend which I really struggle with. I feel like I have to battle through the week for that one night, and often he goes through periods of not wanting to do lots of certain things.
He may have denied being with you just for compionship but actions speak loader than words as they say. I am reaching the same point with my bf. I know he loves me but to me love is supposed to be more than emotion. I have read some articles online that talk about some people going off sex once they fall in love with someone (which sounds stupid, but?) and from what they've said is its therapy or hopeless.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (8 November 2008):
Well you've spoken to him about it, but you didn't go far enough.
Ask him again and tell him you are not happy with the way things are.
You have to find a compromise here.
Keep talking about it. I am sure he'd rather open up and be honest than lose you.
Good Luck!! xx
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