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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: My first boyfriend ever left me, we were together for 3 years and we had some issues because he was jealous of my past. This had some impact on my self esteem, and I started feeling more and more ugly all the time (I've always felt ugly because I've been called ugly all my life), and envious of every prettier girl and porn. He left me because he said I never change and he can't wait forever. I tried, I tried positive thinking, rationalizing, I even went to therapy and nothing helped. Last night we went out and I was crazy jealous, today I got my period and I got more jealous because I know he'll wank to porn! He got fed up with me and told me I could either stay, but that if I didn't change immediately he'd leave and to make it official he'd get a new girl not to date but to hook up with but also to get over me and show me it's definitive this time (we've broken up before). So I told him that honestly I think I won't change how I feel from a minute to another, and he said ok, we're over then, I asked if he'll go get a new girl, he said yes, and I feel so hurt, even if she won't be a girlfriend I hate thinking that he'll be screwing a new, hotter girl soon, I don't want to know anything about men in a while, I'm too damn ugly to even get someone's attention and I don't know how to get over my self image problem, now I lost him so I feel even MORE miserable. He gets to screw somebody new and I get nothing, but MORE misery... great for the self esteem and self image, I tell you, being dumped...How I hate him and how I hate my ugly stupid face!!!! Help, how do I get over this messy and incredibly hard situation? I hate being ugly, and I am genuinely ugly, people have called me that my whole life and my face is weird. I just realized I'll never be happy in a relationship, because men like to look at beautiful women, and they're everywhere, and that's something I just CAN'T accept.
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jealous, period, porn, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): I rwote this question.
k_c100... THANK YOU!!!! Thank you for your awesome advice... I can relate and your advice makes a lot of sense, so it's helped me a lot. :)
SY, I hope I'm lucky like you in the future. So there's still hope for me. That's good to know ;)
Male anon... I guess it's hard for someone not very attractive to believe that guys think porno women aren't really that attractive. Because men and women think differently. So I guess, sure, for guys it's no big deal, but from a woman's viewpoint, I wonder "If they aren't really that attractive, then why do they keep using that formula over and over?". Plus, as a woman, it's hard not comparing to other women. Men might no do this, but it's practically female nature... we all want to be beautiful. I guess it's an evolutionary thing, just like men going for the best looking women. It's hard, not taking it personally. I don't know how to explain it... I guess it is like being jealous of the past.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): I just want to say the "I can't get it out of my mind!!!" feeling that you are having about porn is a lot like the feelings that guys can get about their GF's past sex life. Im sure you rationally want to cut loose of the painful thoughts and emotions but it feels totally out of your control.
I wont tell you that you arent ugly. Ive never seen you in my life.
But I will tell you that it really does matter less as we all get older. Even to men. The appearance issue will always be there but you would be surprised how often a desirable guy will end up with a girl who is below his possible reach.
And please don't take porno too seriously. Im a guy that has looked at a lot of porno in my life and I don't even think 2/3rds of the girls in it are really that good looking. They all look kind of the same and they're usually not very interesting. The same goes for a lot of supposedly gorgeous models & actresses. A lot of times they don't have any specific thing wrong with their looks but they are still just boring. You could cut and swap the heads on most of the women in a sports illustrated swimsuit magazine and someone else could look at it and barely know the difference.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): Well what needs to be said mostly has been, but I just want to add a quick thought: Hon, if you can't stnad that men look at porn and other women, then find one who doens't. They do exsist. We all have our people that we will one day end up with and marry and be happy with. Clearly, the person who is out there for you, will be someone who doesn't do those things. The men who do, are out there waiting for the women don't mind and/or do the same thing. I can't stnad it either. That's why i dumped the ex and found someone who is very conservative and hates guys who do.. and then married him because once you find someone like that, you can't let him go! :)
Try to find who is right for you in EVERY way and if that means searching hard until you find a guy who keeps his eyes to hmself, at least while he's in a relationship, then so be it. Goodluck.
~Sy.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (10 August 2009):
 I'm not quite sure I understand why you had problems in your relationship - you said at first he was jealous of your past? Then you make it sound like it has all been your fault for not wanting him to look at other women or porn?
I know how it feels to be told you are ugly, I know how it feels to have no self-confidence and self esteem that is on the floor. I was bullied for 4 years non-stop by a group of boys (so I couldnt even stand up for myself in fear of getting hurt). Every day they would say that I looked like a man, that I was ugly, they picked apart every element of my face and body - my nose was too big, my eyebrows were too thick, 'nigga lips' was one of my names, I was too fat, I had a mustache, my bum was too big......no part of my body wasnt criticised. That was the worst time of my life - I honestly believed that I was the ugliest person alive and no man would ever come near me. I still to this day hate the way I look (even though I dont act like it) and have real problems letting a guy see me without make up and when I have no clothes on.
The thing is if you have been called ugly then that will never go away - it will always be in the back of your head that you are ugly. But the only way to get over that is to improve yourself. Make the most of yourself - work out, wear make-up, get a new hair cut and some new clothes. This will help with the break up too - a new image does wonders for your self esteem after a break-up. I know it is all superficial but it works - I still hate the way I look but on some days when I have done myself up I think "I'm not that bad". And I will take that - I know I will never feel beautiful but "not bad" will do for me.
Your boyfriend sounds like an idiot anyway - for him to brag about how he's going to go off with some other woman just shows he has no maturity and was just doing it to make you feel jealous!
You wont change as long as you are around a man - it takes time to build your confidence and it has to be done alone. I think you should leave your ex to it - if he wants to sleep around and catch some disease from a cheap slut then fine, thats his choice. But you are better than that, and better than him.
Be single for a few months, and get to know yourself. You have relied on this man to be the source of your confidence for 3 years - you need to learn to be confident on your own. I used to be the same - I used to feel that I needed a man in my life to feel attractive based on the principle of "well if he is with me then he must fancy me", and while this does hold an element of truth, it doesnt do you any favours in the long run! You cant use men anymore to validate yourself - confidence comes from within and no matter who you are with, your underlying problems will never go away.
You can be confident, and you can one-day believe that you are attractive. It takes a long time, and lots of lonely nights on your own but eventually you will get there. Once you have sorted yourself out then you can start to think about a relationship again. I think getting out of this relationship with your ex will actually do you some good, it might not feel that way right now but you will be a better person if you can spend some time alone and get used to being single again.
If you want to talk more or have any questions then feel free to message me.
I hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): Ok, I wrote this and while I appreciate the answers, you're focusing too much on the "beauty" problem, because the name the mods gave to the question. But what about the break up part? I'm hurting a lot and that's not good for my confidence, especially 'cause he's going to go find a girl to have sex with. He said so.
And no, make up is too fake, I wish I was genuinely beautiful. I've been called UGLY many times, that's an indicator of something, right?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): Hey girl to be "beautiful" you don't have to be a "porn look-alike" or anything like that.There are many girls out there that don't have such pretty faces but they try to focus on other body parts to find themselves attractives. It's also about confidence, the more you start liking yourself the more the others will start liking you too. So, what's wrong with your face? Can you put some make up on it and enhance any part you may like? (eyes, lips...). Then take a look at your body and try to dress up nice in a way that you feel comfortable too.A nice and outgoing personality is also important to attract the opposite sex. Men like to be around happy and positive women, not the ones that complain about themselves or anything.I am amazed to see many girls out there that attract a lot of boys and they don't have pretty faces but they take care of they hair, make up, try to keep in good shape and have a nice personality and above all a lot of CONFIDENCE.Find the beauty in yourself and learn to love you and you'll see how boys (and everybody) will start liking you, I promise!Hope this helps.Good luck to you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): You are not ugly.It sounds to me like you need to take a break from relationships for a while, do a bit of soul searching. Do the things you love and surround yourself with people who will enhance your life. Until you manage to develop some self confidence i highly recomend you stay away from relationships - otherwise you will push every man away with your insecurities. If you can learn to be confident and confortable with yourself, people will be attracted to that and in turn find you attractive. If you think you are hot generally other people will too :)You will be ok. Sounds like you are young.And i bet you are beautiful.You need to let yourself grow and let go.x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): I don't think you should let being (allegedly) ugly get in the way of having a relationship! I can understand you feeling insecure about it, but I believe there is more to love in a face which isn't classically beautiful. A lot of people think that I'm beautiful, and men look at me all the time - it doesn't mean anything! I'm just as unhappy as you sound. I am attracted to guys who aren't typically attractive (because like I said before, there's more to love in a unique face) but the way I look always gets in the way and things get stuffed up. Guys don't truly love you if you're too beautiful. The important thing is to find someone who sees you for who you are and loves you for that. The people I know who are the happiest in their relationships are the ones who aren't typically good looking.Oh and all guys wank to porn! Don't take it personally - I've asked boyfriends and friends about that and they all say it's more the action than the women that's turning them on. It's just a reaction, not like they dream about particular pornstars or compare you to them, it's all seperate!
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