A
female
age
30-35,
*ee1382
writes:My boyfriend and i have been together over a year we are both very serious about each other. Our Sex is phenomenal and no matter what we are going through Sex is always that one thing that we have that just made everything better. until about three months ago i introduced porn to our relationship not that i watch it all the time but we had been on a marathon and i had to tap out but wanted to keep the heat in the moment so i figured that would do it and oh boy did it took the heat right from my butt and left me in the cold! now he feels the need to play with himself and watch porn before he will have sex with me he says he has to get his first cum out the way and sometimes it takes him all freaking day then it wont work for me. It is really starting to have a big effect on me emotionally i feel unwanted,unattractive, a man has never made me feel like this and i don't understand why am i not enough for him anymore when just 4mon ago you couldn't get us out of the bed room.when we do have sex now and i feel he is into me its still amazing but once i get off hes done and says he will finish himself off he don't know what his deal is . advice someone please!!!!!!!!!!
View related questions:
porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2013): It sounds like this relationship has always been centered around sex? And that he approaches sex from a self centered perspective I.e. what he can get out of it? Your comment about the marathon session where you needed to take a rest but he wanted to keep going. He doesn't sound like a considerate lover to me instead it sounds like he loves having sex because of how it makes him feel and that you are just an accessory to him getting his pleasure. It stands to reason then that he loves the fact that you introduced porn into the relationship because now he can be even more self centered.
Thus I believe the root of the problem isn't porn but his selfishness and lack of empathy.
A
female
reader, bee1382 +, writes (5 April 2013):
bee1382 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have made the message very clear but sometimes i think the more i say something the more it makes things worse maybe not that exact thing but somewhere in the relationship we are working through other issues in our relationship as well his ex before me recently had a baby that could be his which if it is it was before me but the situation is very hard for me to deal with. thank you all for your advice or words of wisdom they really do help. [mod note: caps lock "off" please, next time. thank you.]
...............................
A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86  +, writes (5 April 2013):
I'm not sure why you introduced porn into the relationship. It can cause loadssss of problems. I spent 3 weeks trying get my boyfriend to stop.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2013): Each of us have personality quirks or habits that we can't instantly remove. We know how it may annoy others, but when it's deep in our psyche, it may takes months or years to undo.Addictions aren't just habits, they are a sickness.All the pleading in the world doesn't stop a compulsion to drink, to abuse drugs, or to consume pornography. That is a personal battle. The person with the sickness sometimes has to lose something in order for them to give up that addiction.If his sickness has reached the level that he is unable to break the cycle; then you have to make the decision whether you want to remain in the relationship. You'll have to let go.As long as you hang on, you'll suffer for it. Don't blame yourself. It didn't happen over-night. He may have been into porn long before you introduced it to him. He may have kept it well hidden from you.If you can't deal with it, then you'll have to make the decision to leave him. Accept no excuses.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 April 2013):
 What does he say when you point out that he keeps doing it? Is he unaware of what it is that bothers you? Does he not know you want him to stop?
Sometimes we think we have told someone how we feel, but if the message isn't crystal clear there will be miscommunication. In the past I believe I have said something very specific and clear, yet it has still been misunderstood. Especially when we discuss intimate problems that makes us vulnerable we have a tendency to cover up the message with hints and vague phrases.
When I first told my current boyfriend that I loved him he misunderstood and thought I had said I used to be in love, but wasn't any longer. When he then told me he loved me as a friend I thought he was rejecting my advances. I thought what was communicated was pretty clear. But looking back at it, it obviously wasn't so clear. I only discovered this misunderstanding 5 years later, when I made a second move at him and this time didn't leave any room for misunderstanding (I had to directly tell him I wanted a relationship.. that took some nerves!).
If your boyfriend doesn't do this on purpose to hurt you, and yet after a talk he keeps doing it, then it hasn't been communicated well enough that you need him to stop.
If he at some point refuses to stop, hence doing this deliberately knowing that it hurts you, you need to consider the relationship and if it is worth it. But first, talk to him very directly. Ask him how the two of you can work through this, if perhaps you can tell him at the exact moment he does it, so that he will instantly know what it is he does that bothers you.
Perhaps you believe he goes to watch porn, when in fact he goes to play videogames? That could be one example of how things can be misunderstood.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 April 2013):
I think you need to communicate this if you haven't already. Choosing porn over a woman is the epitome of selfishness and should not be tolerated.
Keep in mind, however, that this has nothing to do with you. The thing about porn is that it's an easy "fix". The pleasure center of the brain is stimulated with virtually no effort and our brains are designed to do as little work as possible for a reward.
So evolutionarily, we have have an uphill battle in the fight against porn, overeating, etc.
...............................
A
female
reader, bee1382 +, writes (4 April 2013):
bee1382 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so very much your words really set home but i have talked to him about it several times and when we do it's like you said didn't mean to hurt me but this has been going on for about 3 months now and been brought up probably more than once a week we have spent hours speaking about this and its always i'm so sorry i love you and want you but the next day its like that talk never existed i hate sounding like a broken record and he does feel like i attack him every time i say something about it and then matters seem to get worse and that's not what i want at all.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 April 2013):
Unless your man lived on an isolated island with no electricity before he met you.. you hardly introduced him to porn. So don't blame yourself. You suggested to try it, and he thinks it's a great idea to masturbate before sex.
Forget about the porn for a second. Your problem is that he shows a preference for masturbating before sex. Have you asked why, and have you told him how you feel? That it takes too long, leaves you feeling unwanted etc? Maybe he thinks he doesn't last long enough, so wants to masturbate first in order to last longer with you. All of the men I have ever been with places their value as a man on how long they could last. If they came fast, they were embarrassed and humiliated and always very nervous that anything less than an hour is "short". Few seem to be aware that the average time for intercourse is 2-5 minutes... And even fewer seem to be aware that the average time a woman wants a man for intercourse is only 10-20 minutes, 30 at most. We're perfectly happy with less as long as there's enough foreplay.
You need to talk to your man. Communication is key in a relationship. You need to communicate your feelings, without blame, without guilt. Just explain your situation, and explain how you would like things to be, or try to explain what you'd like to change. As a good boyfriend he will listen and try to communicate back, and not attack you or hurt you with intent.
Just be careful. You feel how you feel, but it is unlikely that he does this with the intent to harm you or cause you pain. He does not realize the effect is has on you. If you attack him it'll hurt his feelings, and then you'll just go 'round and 'round in a loop. The best solution here is not to pass blame, but to communicate open and honestly, and solve this together as a team. He's your partner, and you can fix this together.
When problems arise in a relationship you solve them. There will always be problems, for every relationship. It is not the problems that define if it is a good or bad relationship. It is the way you SOLVE the problems that define if it is a good or bad relationship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): You now have to undo what you've done. Don't feel unattractive or undesirable because he is hooked on fantasy.
The slow poison in porn is the novelty, and the fact that men are visual creatures.
Porn is addictive like drugs. It reaches that part of the brain that causes sexual arousal, and maintains it to orgasm based on nothing but visual images. Men are prone to masturbation and self-manipulation because the penis has a mind of its own.
You have to explain to him that you were introducing some spice and novelty to your sex-life; assuming it would be an enhancement. His behavior has given you regret, and you're not sure how long you can tolerate it. Don't tolerate it if makes you feel neglected.
The worst thing you can do to yourself, is to hang on to a person with an addiction, who is doing nothing to control it.
He'll have to get help, or get lost.
Remove porn from your home, and offer him less sex. If he comes back, great. If he doesn't, your relationship was doomed from the start; if it was based primarily on sex.
...............................
|
