A
female
 ,
*onfusionz
writes:HELP - I have a very serious problem which is depressing me. I have recently migrated to be with my mother who has retired to the caribbean. I have been here with my son now for about 3 months and it has been a living nightmare. My mother is not the person I thought she was. We are really not getting on at all. Everything I say or do seems to be a problem for her and I really don't know what to say to her anymore. We have not been speaking since the beginning of December after we had a blazing row where she said I was not a good daughter and for the life of me I cannot tell you what I have done to upet her. I have asked her and she keeps coming up with very trivial things, i.e. if I don't want to do something that she suggests then she gets all in a huff and does not want to speak to me. Since I got here it is as though she wants me to say and do everything that she does and when I do my own thing it upsets her. I feel like a prisoner here, she treats me as though I'm a stranger and the atmosphere here is really bad. I hate coming home. I try to avoid her and it is really not a very happy environment for me or my son to live in. I really don't know what to do as I cannot just return back home. I said I was going to move out but for the moment it's not possible as I am in the process of sorting out my immigration status and trying to start a new business. She is also letting me live here for free although I contribute towards food and utilities so right now I would not be able to afford another place. I have nobody here to turn to for any help or support as I thought I would have my mother but she has turned her back on me. I feel as though I'm completely on my own here and even when I do try to speak to her it is clear that she doesn't want to speak to me. Please give some advice as to what I should do. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, confusionz +, writes (5 July 2010):
confusionz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys, since writing about my mother in December, things have gone from bad to worse. This is going to sound like a nightmare or one of those "thriller" movies that you'd watch on tv but I can honestly say it is the sad truth.
A couple of weeks ago my mother and I had a big argument. I had accidentally broken a glass. I apologised and said I'd replace it. She was not listening but started going off into one. A big blown argument erupted which lasted about an hour or so. My son came home from school to the argument. She did not stop when he came home but even boxed me down in front of him around my face. I got up to retaliate and my son intervened say to stop it, stop it and he was crying. This is what stopped me from fighting with my mother. I told her never to do that to me again and repeated it several times so that she would understand. She said she wants me to leave and I decided that it was best for me to do so.
A couple of days later she confronted me again after I had seen my son off to school. She had wanted me to clean the kitchen floor. I told her to do it herself as it was not my turn. She was not having this at all. She pursued me for the whole morning ordering me to clean the floor and telling me to get out of her house. I had to lock myself in my bedroom to avoid a confrontation or any violence with her. She was not stopping and I did not know how long she was going to harass me for. She was banging on my door telling me to get out of her house; she was spraying insect repellant spray underneath my door to try to get me to open the door. I then decided to call the police as I really did not know what further to do and hoped that they would be able to calm her down. It took them about an hour and a half to arrive as they thought it was funny that I should be calling them to say that my mother is being violent towards me. On arrival I briefly told them the situation. They were not taking it seriously at all. I even told them that she assaulted me 2 days prior in front of my son. She denied it and told them a made up story of what happened and said she wanted me out of the place. They asked why don't I leave and I said I had nowhere to go. They said they could not really do anything to get me out of the house but she would have to seek a Court Order. She told them she would give me 4 weeks to get out of her house. Shortly after they left and said they had another call out. Before they left I asked for their number in case she started again after they had left. They gave me the station number.
Shortly after they left, I went back to my room and locked the door. I thought she was about to get ready to go to Court for an Order but she again pursused me. She got a crowbar and started tearing off my room door. She was not stopping at all. I immediately called the station to say that my mother was acting violent towards me and that they need to send back the officers who had just left now. I was told they could not as they were on another call out. I said I was in fear of what she would do and somebody needed to be here. The officer asked for her landline number and said she would try and speak to her. Shortly after I had given the number the telephone rang and my mother answered it. I did not hear what was said but after she hung up, I heard my mother getting ready to go out. I thought she was on her way to the Court for the Order.
She was gone about 2.5 hours and on her return she was escorted by two police officers. They said they had come to arrest me for assault and ABH. I could not believe what I was hearing and turned to my mother and said "you really didn't have to go that far". I tried to explain to the officers that I did not touch her and she was lying but they did not believe me and took me to the station.
I spent about 4 hours at the station waiting - nobody wanted to hear my side of the story, they all thought I was guilty and said I was going to be charged and if I could not find anyone to bail me then I would have to stay in jail. I was so distressed. I could not believe what was happening to me. I did manage to get bail and I had to appear in Court 6 days later. I pleaded not guilty and the hearing has been put off to early November. She did not attend Court on the day but this is what my mother has resorted to. She had blatantly lied to the police in order to have me arrested and it seems she wants to put me away for something I did not do. I now have to look for a good lawyer to represent me.
I have since moved out of her house with my son but my life has been turned upside down and I really don't know what more to do. I came here to set up a business and she has been preventing me from doing that. I did not come to set up a home and all this now is causing me unnecessary spending which I really have not got. I am having to rethink everything and I am really worried about my future and that of my son. She has certainly messed up my plans good and proper and has left me out in the cold. She doesn't even care about her grandson. There is really nothing more that I can do or say to her now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): Hi, thanks for your interest. The situation now is that a little while after posting my problem, my mother did break down and started to cry saying she could not take it anymore. I tried to comfort her by giving her a hug and saying that I don't know what I'm doing wrong but she didn't want it and turned away. The next mornig we sat down and had a long civilised chat. I expressed my point of view and she expressed hers. The end result was that we should try to talk to each other more and if there is anything that she feels I am doing wrong then she should let me know instead of festering it. She ageed that we would do this and since then things seems to be going okay. She's had one or two cross words with my grandmother. We have not had an argument since although we are still not the best of friends. I am still very cautious around her.
However, very recently I needed to speak to her about an immigration problem that I am now facing which is to do with my staying here. It has turned out that an error was made on my birth certificate at the time of registration. I needed to produce my birth certificate along with my mother's birth certificate which shows that she is my mother. However, this could not be accepted because her surname is different by one character on her birth certificate to that on my birth certificate. Therefore I will not be able to seek unconditional landing unless this error is sorted out. I told my mother about this and a JP has drawn up a Deed Poll to rectify the error which she needs to sign and return. She has had this document for over 3 weeks now and just last week I enquired whether she had given it any more thought. She seems very reluctant to sign the document and said she is still thinking about it. It is over a week now and she still has not got back to me on it. I was only able to get a further 3 months extension to stay here which runs out in 6 weeks time. In the meantime I tried contacting my dad but his name is not recorded correctly on my birth certificate either. I'm not sure what to do now as it seems she has me in limbo and I'm not sure whether she'll sign the document. I get the feeling that she is going to leave it to the last minute and is watching to see my actions which will let her decide whether she should sign the document. I feel as though I have been put on probation. There is nothing else that I can do and I do not want to return home right now as I have given up everything to be here and she knows it. Any advice please.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (6 March 2010):
 I don't see it, send the link?
...............................
A
female
reader, confusionz +, writes (4 March 2010):
confusionz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, I posted a reply to update everybody on the latest position on 1 March and have not yet had a response to it. Please advise.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): Hi, thanks for your interest. The situation now is that a little while after posting my problem, my mother did break down and started to cry saying she could not take it anymore. I tried to comfort her by giving her a hug and saying that I don't know what I'm doing wrong but she didn't want it and turned away. The next mornig we sat down and had a long civilised chat. I expressed my point of view and she expressed hers. The end result was that we should try to talk to each other more and if there is anything that she feels I am doing wrong then she should let me know instead of festering it. She ageed that we would do this and since then things seems to be going okay. She's had one or two cross words with my grandmother. We have not had an argument since although we are still not the best of friends. I am still very cautious around her.
However, very recently I needed to speak to her about an immigration problem that I am now facing which is to do with my staying here. It has turned out that an error was made on my birth certificate at the time of registration. Her surname was incorrectly spelt by one letter. I needed to produce my birth certificate along with my mother's birth certificate which shows that she is my mother. However, this could not be accepted because her surname is different by one letter on her birth certificate to that on my birth certificate. Therefore I will not be able to seek unconditional landing unless this error is sorted out. I told my mother about this and a JP had drawn up a Deed Poll to rectify the error which she needs to sign and return. She has had this document for over 3 weeks now and just last week I enquired whether she had given it any more thought. She seems very reluctant to sign the document and said she is still thinking about it. It is over a week now and she still has not got back to me on it. I was only able to get a further 3 months extension to stay here which runs out in 6 weeks time. In the meantime I tried contacting my dad but his name is not recorded correctly on my birth certificate either. I'm not sure what to do now as it seems she has me in limbo and I'm not sure whether she'll sign the document. I get the feeling that she is going to leave it to the last minute and is watching to see my actions which will let her decide whether she should sign the document. I feel as though I have been put on probation. There is nothing else that I can do and I do not want to return home right now as I have given up everything to be here and she knows it. Any advice please.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): Did you manage to resolve your situation? Please update us.
...............................
A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (31 December 2009):
 You havnt said what you have done to improve your situation.
We get the point your mother is a B!tc#, ok now what are you gonna do about it well i would like to kno, I hope your next post goes something like this, "My mother came home back on her BS and i told her where she can put it" look your to old for this crap stand up for your self i dont care if shes your mother she has to respect you who the Hell died and made her god. Now you go tell the bitter old cow to watch ehr damn mouth when she talks to you and to treat you like a rational adult, tell her you will be moving out as soon as possible.
your mom is old bitter disgruntled and set in her ways she wont change unless you put the fear of God in her honestly i wouldnt even bother she will find her self left out and alone.
You need to put an end to this stop fearing this woman demand the respect you deserve.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (28 December 2009):
It looks like you are already doing everything possible to fix things. So from now the only option is to go into survival mode. Its painful but necessary while you try find your own place. Just live your life separate from hers, mind your own business and do your own thing. Only communicate when necessary but still say hello when you bump into her. When you get home don't hang around for a lecture just go straight to your room and set up a happy place in there. In the mean time continue with your financial contributions but don't hang around long enough to be glared at. I have a friend who is in a situation where her mother actually hits her own elderly mother (my friend's grandmother) because she is so controlling. Hits her for little things like she took too long to close the car door etc. The grandmother is terrified of her own daughter and speaks only secretly to her granchild and others because she has been accused of plotting against or gossiping or turning everybody against this crazy woman. Its painful. Maybe when you get your own place, you can somehow convince your mother to let your grandmother help you with babysitting your son when you are at work. You don't have to move far, just out of her place so she can stop trying to run your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (28 December 2009):
from the way you've described it it sounds like she has depression because of how withdrawn and disinterested she is--even in christmas! sometimes depressed people also take out their pain on others (emotionally, I mean). I don't know what to do with this kind of 'insight' though because her stubbornness will probably hold her back from doing anything proactive to help her mental state.
...............................
A
female
reader, confusionz +, writes (28 December 2009):
confusionz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Everyone who responded and thank you for your advice. With regard to Fishdish's response there is certainly a communication breakdown but there is nothing I can say to make her respond in the right way towards me. I have tried asking her what I am doing wrong but she cannot really put her finger on anything specific - she just gets angry if I do stuff that she doesn't do or want to do. I get the feeling that she expects me to think like her and act like her because I am in her house and she is my mother. Whenever I do anything different to her way she gets upset. She doesn't want me to speak to anybody because she doesn't and if I do she will look at me as if i'm a traitor. She doesn't want me to use the phone because she doesn't use it very often. She restricted the outgoing calls so I was unable to make any calls even though I said I would pay for my calls. When I first got here, a friend back home called me (incoming call)a few times and it seemed that she was really put out by the phone ringing and seemed to get annoyed that my friend was calling me. I have since got a cell phone so I do not use her phone. My grandmother is also living here and I must admit I had not spoken to her for years as we had fallen out but on coming here our relationship seems to be more amicable than with my mother and then my mother gets upset when she sees us talking. It's as if nobody should talk because I am not supposed to like my grandmother nor she me. My grandmother is terrified of her and said to me that she has really changed and if she was younger she would not stay here either.
With regard to Angzw's comment, I would say that she did raise me along with two other siblings. I did not write a letter to her but over the Christmas I did give her a card with some lovely words expressing what a lovely mother she is and how I feel lucky to have a mother like her, etc. I also gave her a present. To this day she has not opened the card nor the present and neither did she give me anything for Christmas. I even gave my grandmother a present which I think did upset my mother because we are not supposed to like each other. It wasn't a very nice Christmas but we got through it.
I do pick up after myself and my 9 year old son. I help out with the washing up and keeping the house tidy. We cook our own food and I do my best to keep the house tidy so as not to upset her. She is not a very forgiving person as whenever anything is said or done to annoy her it festers within her and she doesn't want to speak to you and then it will all come out in an agrument. We walk on eggshells here and try to avoid her. Whenever my grantmother comes to talk to me she has to whisper and look out to see if she is around.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (23 December 2009):
Fishdish is spot on; except put it in writing. If you say it to her face, she will be on guard and defensive, but if you write a letter then leave it on her pillow or whatever then leave the house for a few hours, she will have time to think about what she wants to say. Also add that you love her very much and if she wants you to leave then you will do what she wants. Ask her what she expects of you. I am wondering, is she the one who raised you? Also do you pick up after yourself, helping keep the place tidy and cooking too? Because as a mother myself, when my kids have been away and they come back trashing everything it makes me mad. Sounds petty but since you dont know what has made her angry, think of all angles.
...............................
A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (23 December 2009):
LOL thats the reason for moving away from home why did you move back. you need to move out as soon as possble in the meantime id suggest avoiding her, i dont believe theres anything you can do or say to her that will matter shes old set in her ways and thinks she knows everything and even when she is wrong she will go to hell and back before she admits it. its a lost cause. focus on what you need to do so you can move out untill then stay down wind of her
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (23 December 2009):
seems that she's just a bad communicator, like she thinks you should already know what makes you a bad daughter but you're a little clueless. why don't you ask her point blank what can i do to make things better around here for us/for you/ for our relationship? I don't want you to be angry with me, I love you, I want us both happy here, and so I want to make up for things but I am having a hard time knowing what to do, and I feel I need guidance. do you think if you came from an apologetic standpoint she'd ignore you?
...............................
|
