A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My friend with benefits is not happy with me after she found out that I was speaking to a mutual female acquaintance. I am not interested romantically in this other woman at all. The conversation was about music related activities that we both have an interest in, and I just mentioned that she should show up at particular venues where jazz musicians gather and play. My FWB overheard us talking and she basically accused me of doing something sneaky, and she berated me verbally afterwards to the point that she wanted to have nothing to do with me.I know this other girl casually, and so does she; we do talk frequently, in addition to a lot of other people at certain venues from this same social group, but no deep conversations. I was just trying to be nice and social with absolutely no ulterior motives trying to get in this girl's pants....none! My FWB is convinced that I'm trying to buddy up to her friends. Things haven't been perfect with us either, but no relationship is always perfect.Did I cross some boundaries that I shouldn't have? should I stop being nice and gregarious to everyone? I am devastated that I hurt my FWB's feelings by not thinking. I think of the other woman as "one of the guys" or just someone you occasionally talk to. Advice?
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male
reader, rescuer01  +, writes (3 September 2012):
I agree with Honeypie and So Very Confused,You should sit down with you FWB and see what you 2 got going on,because if you 2 are just ONLY FWBs then you didn't cross boundaries.When 2 people are FWBs then they have the right to talk to whoever they wants,at least that's the way it was with the person whom I was FWBs with.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 September 2012):
 I agree 100% with So_Very_Confused's answer.
Sit her down, figure out what you two got going on. If it IS strictly FWB, then no she can't demand you don not talk to other women or date them or whatever..
Then again I don't believe a partner in a relationship can decide who their partner can talk to and whom they can't. Unless something SHADY has occurred, trust is needed.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 September 2012):
 I think that you two need to sit down and clarify what's going on...
you have very deep feelings for her and want her for a GF but clearly she pushes you away.
sleeping with her just muddies the water.
my advice... UNTIL you two can figure out what your boundaries and rules are STOP HAVING SEX.
if you decide to be FWB (which is what you say she wants) then she has NO SAY in who you talk to or what you do that doesn't affect her (i.e. no sex with others when sleeping with her unless that's your agreed upon deal)
I think you want more than FWB with her and if you decide that is the way to go you may find that she is more possessive and needy than you like....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know what she is, but I do know that I have very strong feelings for her. What draws her to me, aside from the chemistry that we share, is my independent nature and the fact that I'm not a needy person. We like each other in increments and intervals; in other words, we both like our space. She sometimes asks probing questions regarding my feeling towards her, but when I try to open up she downplays everything by stating that the great sex and affection is the foundation of our relationship.That being said, it is apparent that she doesn't want me around certain women. She did allude to the fact a while back some of the girls commented about finding me charming, cute or whatever. Is possible that she doesn't trust them? Is something else being said abut me that she doesn't want me to know? I don't know but I'm beginning to think that it might be the case.The bottom line is that I feel terrible for having hurt her feelings.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 September 2012):
Yeah I think we have to clarify if she is your FWB or your girlfriend because those are two different things...
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (2 September 2012):
 Don't think too deeply on this. When people have sex, they often have strong feelings for one another. You have a relationship with her and even call her your girlfriend/FWB. Either she's your girlfriend or she isn't...and you might want to revisit the topic to see if you are really on the same page. Personally, I think she has stronger feelings for you, but may not be completely ready to call it a real committed relationship yet.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your feedback. I have very strong feelings for my girlfriend/FWB, but since she came out of a divorce, she always mad it clear that she's not ready to settle down or embark on something too serious. But again, I had no ulterior motives talking to this other girl; we all know each other.
We met yesterday and talked and she was very affectionate and attentive with me. Perhaps she saw a side of herself that manifested itself when she thought I was hitting on another girl? What do you all think?
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (2 September 2012):
FWB may seem like a good idea in theory, but frequently falters in practice. Friends with benefits arrangements aren’t as gratifying and easy as they seem to be. And while some people can maintain casual sexual relationships, just as many can not. I really don't believe in this type of relationship because sex is an emotional experience whether people want to admit to it or not. When you're having an emotional experience with someone, emotions often get in the way whether that was the "deal" or not. Besides that, you are still in a "relationship" of sorts, and there will still be "relationship" issues to sort through...like your FWBs partner getting jealous. This is the chance you take.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 September 2012):
FWB means FRIENDS with benefits... not causal boyfriend/girlfriend.
YOU did nothing wrong.
Are you sure you are using the right term because it sure sounds like a jealous GIRLFRIEND... and if you don't want her to be thinking she is your GF then you need to stop sleeping with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2012): You did not do anything wrong, you ARE allowed friends, and even more so since you only have a FWB arrangement with this girl.
She on the other hand (the FWB) seems to be developing deeper feelings for you from what you've said in the post. Maybe you need to talk to her not about the benefits side of things, but about her feelings and why she reacted the way she did (The REAL reason behind why it bothered her in such a way).
This is a problem with FWB set ups, one person often begins to feel more for the other, than the other does for them, and things get ugly. If it turns out this is the case, then maybe its best if you have nothing more to with each other on that side of things because nothing but problems will come of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2012): FWB is just what it is. There were no boundaries crossed. I believe ur friend wants more than just that type of arrangement that the two pf u have. My advuce would b 2 let her know that the two of u r free 2 talk 2 anybody u want. If she wants more and u don't maybe u should get out that now b4 it causes more problems. Up 2 u.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (1 September 2012):
FWB is a no strings attached arrangement, so no you didn't cross a boundary. The problem with FWB is that often, one starts having romantic feelings for the other (this is most often the woman). This seems to be the case here. You should decide if you want a proper relationship with your FWB and if you don't, you need to end the arrangement because she's getting too attached to you.
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