A
male
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anonymous
writes:My girlfriend is talented, bright, caring, hard working, very successful and always seems to be on top of things. We've been together five years. I haven't fallen in love with her however. She ticks a lot of the right boxes and we share many attributes and interests but we seem to be lacking empathy, intimacy and unity and she is not very inspiring or creative. This makes her giving feel dull and overbearing at times. I think she is a bit insecure about standing out as an individual. She's happiest when she sings on stage, maybe because it's the one situation in which she feels comfortable expressing herself.When we got together, I wasn't particularly interested in seeing her romantically again but she seemed nice and I was excited about a fun new adventure, about getting to know someone new and I hoped she'd grow on me. Five years later though, I still haven't found much in her. At its best it has been comfortable and pleasant, she's been a fun playmate, a rock of support, a sounding board and a willing audience to me, and at its worst it has been exhausting, disorientating and miserable and I've felt like I had to edit my personality to be with her. She doesn't go very deep.What can I do to resolve my position with her? Lighten up, count my blessings, create more contentment for myself or accept that I won't find that contentment if I'm living a lie by keeping up appearances with her? I may be insecure too and hanging on for dear life, afraid to properly end it, fooling myself that somehow, some day it will develop the breathability and wonder that I'm looking for. She is committed to me and I do like convention, stability, loyalty and trust but she believes "love = best friends + sex". Perhaps I do too, but she just isn't my best friend and I'm not that bothered about the sex.
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female
reader, AngelEyes420  +, writes (8 February 2007):
Everyone deserves to find true love, but the ones that actually do are the ones who are brave enough to fight for it.
A
female
reader, jabey +, writes (8 February 2007):
I think to be happy you have to know you are in love. Gosh there are thousands of people who would tick all your boxes, but if you dont desire them or love them that would leave such an empty space, in my mind. To me true love is loving someone wholeheartedly and knowing it, fancying them and loving all their qualities. of course noone will be perfect but if you love them you will love their flaws to.
Sadly my advice is dont settle for less. true love is the most incredible feeling and we all deserve to find that. Dont miss out. After all does she not also deserve to be with someone who truly loves her.And after five years if you dont feel that love, I feel it will never happen.
I think perhaps what you have is a very deep safe friendship. if you feel that is right for you than settle with that kind of relationship, a lot of people do, but if you desire more, spread your wings and enjoy finding it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2007): I think that the main reason you are feeling exhausted is that you have been dating for five years and have not gotten married, I would be exhausted dating for five years, too.
I can tell you from experience and lots of it, that there is not a 100% perfect match for you, but if she is Miss 80% that is the best you will ever do....Love is about 'being" the right person, not having the right person anyway. Love is not a feeling, it is a concious decision to love someone else with all of your heart and soul and to put their happiness on your highest priority.
If you feel you have to edit your personality to be with her, then you are holding back and she does not really know the real you, and perhaps does not run deep because you aren't really connecting with her either.
It seems odd that you would hang in for 5 long years and say you are not in love. Perhaps you do not know what real and lasting love is, it a soft place to fall, it is comfort and sometimes dull, but it goes beyond that.
No one can assess the nature of your problem except you. If you want to fish and cut bait, then maybe this relationship has run its course and you have outgrown each other.
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A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx +, writes (8 February 2007):
 I think she means a lot to you but she's not the woman you're supposed to end up with. I might be young and mushy but I believe there's someone out there for all of us who, when we meet them and get to know them, we'll just know they're the one. Here, you seem to have feelings for this woman and care for her a lot and you say, on paper, she seems like the woman you want? Obviously, as you're writing this, she is not the one and you owe it to yourself to find the one.
I know it can be hard to get out of the rut once you're in it. But it can be done and it must be done soon: could you honestly be happy, getting to the end of your life and this being the biggest love you've ever had? I couldn't, I know there's someone out there for you who will make you happy.
I'm not saying break contact with her: you two seem to have a great bond and many of us never find that. But if that's all it is, keep her as a friend and go out there and find the woman you're supposed to be with.
Good luck
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