A
male
age
,
noflyzone
writes:Hi there, hope that everyone had a great holiday period and that much fun was had, lots of love thrown here and there, memorable moments were shared and great memories were made. With that being said here's a little about me and why I decided to bother some of you. I'm a software engineer and I live downtown a big city where everyone wants to do yesterday what is meant for tomorrow. I work in a building where there are at least 3 machines that takes your blood pressure on every floor and where Tai Chi and Yoga classes are offered but don't seem to work. In short It's kind of a love / hate relationship we have going on, it's a crazy and hectic world we have to live in, so we have to make the best of it right? I have, like most of you, a few war stories and one big one that really was a game changer for me. Fortunately I'm a very confident man, I know what i want and i know where I want to go but like all of us I had my problems in the relationship department and even though I had my share of pain and disappointments, I've always had a way of handling things that seemed to solidify my position in all aspects of my life as a human being not a doormat, while also taking into account the feelings of other. Of course I tried to do it as best I could, I'm far from being perfect I'll tell you that, but at least I've always tried to be fair. I didn't just want to breeze through a bad situation that made me feel awful just for the sake of feeling better, I wanted to better myself as a whole in the process and you can't really do that by putting others down while doing it. It's sad but I have seen a lot of people do exactly that and later on they realize that it was like putting the band-aid from hell on a wound, it doesn't stay on for long and most of the time you feel even worse than before. I have been interested in and researching alternative lifestyles for a long time but not for the obvious reasons. Something happen in my life a while back and the pain and anguish that was caused by that situation I was in led me to research on unconventional relationships. I wanted to know more about them but not as something I would be into, it was rather the dynamics of couples who were in them that was most fascinating to me. I've met great people who are now dear friends that I see pretty much every week, and of course on the flip side, I've also met a lot of "waste of space living arguments as to why some people should not reproduce" type of people in these communities. After a while I've stumbled upon a few website on the subjects and I decided to check them out and then wow, was I in for a shock. You see in community circles about these lifestyles you physically meet those people and talk to them one on one right away, but on the internet it's a whole different situation. On the web you have all of those wanna bes or more to the point "wanna make you think" polyamorists. Men and women who are are using catch phrases and terms like polyamory as leverage to get what they want without losing their secure positions and dispose of their significant others like garbage once they are no longer needed. and that is something that disgusts me to the the very core of my being. I've seen people who were distraught with no one to turn to log in to these sites thinking they are getting help and understanding only to find out later on that they were the ones who got blamed with their medieval thinking about relationships and oppressive views and this and that, when they are in fact most probably good people in a shitty situation with a careless manipulative spouse. They try to at least make sense of all of this, these poor people are scared very invested in their relationships, vulnerable, some with self esteem issues, in short the perfect targets. First of all lets get something straight right away, I have no problems with the concepts of polyamory, open marriage / relationship or any other types of non conventional relationship, in fact I think that some of them are pretty cool. There's one major characteristic though, all of the definitions for the above mentioned types of lifestyles have a one thing in common and that is the foundation that they're built on. Among these pillars you see the ones like trust, respect and most important the consent and enthusiasm of all involved. Sadly 50% and in many cases above that percentage of people I see on these sites want or have relationships that are based on none of these principles and they're the ones who are regurgitating a mix of insults, bad advice and lies onto the unsuspected, inexperienced and lost who seek comfort, relief and understanding. To all of you who are giving individuals who are actually helping with a little understanding and wisdom, I celebrate and applaud you, keep it up and don't be afraid to point out on the crap you read from some members, even if you know you're not going to be popular. There's not enough of you in these communities. Now, to all of you who want some honest answers to frequent questions that I see all the time as a starting point that can make you start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, this is for you : What is Polyamory ? Well it's very simple, Polyamory is a lifestyle choice where all who are involved are willing and eager to explore new relationships outside of the mainstream arena or construct. These people are comfortable or at the very least want to be comfortable with their partners engaging in an emotional and intimate relationship with others. Whether or not they are involved in that said relationship depends on the type of agreement they have and boundaries set at the beginning, they of course expect the same consideration from their partners. It is very important to take note that it's a mutual willingness to engage from both partner in the couple and that there should be no outside pressure to accept the lifestyle in any way. The subject is brought up because it's either a mutual interest that they have and they decide to explore or a curiosity / idea that one or the other brings to the table but in an inquisitive way and always as something that would add to a relationship not take away. It's a complement to their relationship, not a need and anyone who wants you to believe that they need it to be happy is pure fantasy. Now there are lots of very different situations here that you as a thinking reasonable adult must take into account. For example, if after 5 years of marriage your husband or wife tells you that they want to indulge in that lifestyle but you knew from the first day you started your relationship that he or she had always been interested in having that type of relationship. Then you're looking for help because you feel pressured and according to you it came out of nowhere, I have no sympathy for you. At that moment you're the one who is at fault not your spouse. If you want to be listened to you have to listen as well and hoping that he or she would grow out of that phase is not only stupid but it also puts you as the abuser and not the victim, so use common sense. Is Polyamory innate as an orientation or a lifestyle ? It is a, has always been and will always be a lifestyle choice and anyone who tells you different is either trying to manipulate you or is very misinformed. Neither monogamy or non monogamy is naturally instilled in human beings. Lots of people think that monogamy is innate and non monogamy isn't and vice versa, and all of them are wrong. What makes people want to be with one or more people is based on many factors like the culture they're in, the education they had at home or other, religion, personal experiences , the types of people they are (emotionally), the time period (centuries or decades), the people they associate with, also geographic and demographic factors etc etc. There has been some psychological or sociological studies on the subject, but as a cultural period phenomenon or as research on the causes and effects, for or against or other types, but it remains and will always remain a choice and nothing more. I also want to point out that some people can be very passionate in expressing their views as to why they need this in their lives and that's okay, it's their right, but it's the way they express it that's wrong. They put it in a way that almost absolves them of all responsibilities regarding the decisions they make "not my fault, it's just the way I am". Then by putting their spouse or partner in the "it's you that has to choose now" position they know very well that they have a good chance to get what they want and here's why. At least 70% of couples I've met so far and or researched on will pull that crap on their SO when they know they have the advantage. Usually their partners have low self esteem, don't have many friends and are usually very emotionally dependent and it's rare to see them try it otherwise, it happens but it's rare. Why does my SO tell me "it's who they are and it's something they've always known and will be miserable and resent me if I don't accept". Why would they say that if it wasn't true ? That one is a knee slapper and here's why. First let's be honest, I'm thinking it's something that came up out of the blue in a conversation that started with something along the lines of "I love you but..." or other but if you dig a little you will find that she or he already had someone in mind. So with all of that you have a fairly good assumption that he or she has known about polyamory for a while and has been reading lots of information and advice that fits their definitions of it and not true polyamory, made by very manipulative people on websites related to the subject. So in the light of that information wouldn't it be fair to assume that they use terms like "coming out" as a way to legitimize their claim as being inherent or innate to human beings which in turns makes you feel like crap for making them go against their nature if you don't go along on this??? Why do you think they are using terms like "it's who I am", "Coming out of the closet" and my personal favorite "I have always known that I was poly, but lately it has been confirmed" that one cracks me up every time when I hear it, I mean I literally can't keep a straight face as I'm writing this. It's not who they are, it's what they want to do but they don't want to lose anything in the process and they don't want to be seen as the bad guy for doing it and now they've found a way to basically cheat without cheating by making you agree with them after slowly breaking you down. They're having a grand old time and you're waiting for them at home while keeping the bed warm and I wouldn't be surprised if within their little circles they had open mic stand up night to regale everyone with their comedic antics on how they "got you to take it all". I have been given an ultimatum, my spouse has met someone and now he/she is in love. I'm told to accept or leave, I really want to accept this but I'm mad at myself that I can't do this even though I know that she's not to blame it's the way she/he is and she's / he's been honest. We have to kids, what am I gonna do? Well first of all you really have to think about the "partner being honest" part. I mean if your partner is telling you that they want to engage in a sexual and or emotional relationship with someone else, that would be the honest part, but the reason behind that decision being that it's because he / she is in love with that person isn't 100% honesty. The attraction and infatuation is honest but telling you that "it's the way he or she is and that they will never be happy if you don't agree because they can't go against their nature" is pure fantasy. Second, you have to know that you're gonna have to find a bunch of courage because you're gonna need it. Basically you'll have to "grow a pair" and use them, I'm not saying this as an insult believe me and I'm using this term for both men and women, but it is the truth and there is no way around it. For me, my philosophy is first and foremost cry your ass off to get it out of your system, not with friends not with your therapist, you cry your ass off alone. Do it for a day or two without any outside interference because you need to mourn the loss and nothing else for the time being. Then go out to see friends and mingle with people, not to meet someone, but just to talk about everything and nothing try to get your mind off this problem even if it's hard or you don't feel like it. Then you need to stand on your own, and you need to mourn the life you had in that relationship as it was, even if it was beautiful, even if it was crappy because for better or for worst it will never be the same again and you have to come to term with that, but as you will find out it's not necessarily a bad thing. Too many people are so busy trying to find a way to get their partners back but they never stopped to think if they should. when I'm confronted by someone telling me stuff like "we had a good marriage, sure we fought every week and we almost never agree on anything but damn it, I love that woman" I usually go "You sure about that?" and after a while they usually see the point we're trying to make. But as I said earlier there's no way around it, if you're being bullied into accepting these types of situations and you're considering it even though your guts tells you otherwise, you are heading for a world of hurt, it's as simple as that. I don't care if in the long term you think you can accept it, because as I see it, anyone that puts his or her partner up against the wall in that situation for these same bullshit reasons or other absurd reasons doesn't give a crap about you and it's time to either put your foot down or move on period. So to put it simply you have to choose to either tell yourself that you could see it their way (which is the battle cry of the eternal doormat) or choose to call their bluff and tell them enough is enough. You also have to take responsibility for your life and the decisions your make. A 15 year old kid telling a parent or friend, that he or she feels like dying because he or she can't go on without his or her love interest, is to be expected from a kid. We all think it's the end of the world at that age, but a 35 year old man telling you the same thing that's different. When you get to a certain age you have some life experience and I can agree that some may have more experience than others and also granted that some people may not have been lucky in that department but at on point you still have to think as a rational being. Taking the time to mourn the loss and then talk it out calmly with friends or serious support groups is one way to achieve that, you'll find out you're not alone and it helps you see things from another perspective. It's not his/her fault, she/he said they never meant it to happen ? No it didn't just happen, it's one of the most stupid thing I've ever heard. I got into a situation that led me further than I should have gone and why did I let it happen, for the obvious reason, because it felt great. I never slept with her and I stopped it before it went too far (just holding hands and a kiss) but it didn't just happen!!! Will he / she realize the mistake he / she has made and comeback ? Although too many factors can play in the outcome, considering all types of situations, but to be honest and maybe you've guessed it the answer should always be "I don't know", nobody can predict that with an acceptable degree of certainty that would basically correspond to a comfortable level that would make such a question worth asking from your perspective. I hope this can help you jump start a plan that can lead you to a better way of seeing things in a relationship. It's never easy when we're hurting but the way you see things and the way you choose to see yourself and others can lead you to better decision making for yourself and that makes a huge difference in your life. To all of you out there I wish you the best of luck. Any commentary is welcomed as long as they are respectful and coherent and before you write down your thoughts make sure you've read all of it otherwise what's the point right. Also If anyone as any questions feel free to ask.
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