A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am so confused! I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nearly five years and things aren't going too well, in fact the last six months have been really difficult and we have discussed that we may have to call it a day... unfortunately we do love each other to bits but we argue a lot and find day-to-day really hard. I think communication is a massive problem for us and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I can't imagine life or my future without him but we can't go on arguing any more - it's not fair on either of us. Plus my boyfriend is much older then me and I don't want him to miss out on the rest of his life... I did meet somebody over a year and a half ago and we just hit it off - i know we both found each other attractive and there was definitely a massive spark. We did initially start texting and speaking to each other a lot and then we just used to bump in to each other in our local bars but then he just told me that he didn't want to fall for somebody that was in a troubled relationship and that I should sort out my stuff out first. He also said that he couldn't afford to get hurt again as he had been hurt in the past with his ex (who is also the mother of his daughter) - I think he is still in bits about this not working out too as he never gets to see his daughter. I took all of this onboard and thought that this was very decent although I'm not sure if this was a way of saying that he wasn't interested in me or getting involved. He has never asked me to leave my boyfriend so I'm not sure where his head is at... However, we have had to see each other on numerous occasions (as we do socialise in the same places) and there was still this exciting attraction there. What do you think I should do? I do love my boyfriend and we are both trying to make it work but why would I then have feelings and think about this other guy? Am I thinking the grass is greener? I am really confused - Do I really love me boyfriend and how do I know that this other guy is genuine - he seems frightened of getting hurt but could he just be playing all these silly games? He did say once that he couldn't give me what I want as I admitted that him having a daughter was a major issue for me. What do you think? I honestly can't work out where my head or my heart is at?
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female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (12 January 2009):
 Hi Sweetheart
First before you go wandering off in thought about this other guy STOP!!!!N THINK!!!
You have been in a relationship with the same guy for 5yrs as we go on in relationships sometimes and I say sometimes we stop looking at that person the way we did when we met and fell in love. Things become routine and even the most little things can get annoying causing arguments because we don't put as much effort in making special time for each other...Yes it can be easy to go out find someone you are attracted to it can happen to anyone, Then there is a new excitement in your life something to look forward to hun, You said that this guy does not want to fall for anyone in a troubled relationship and you should sort your stuff out first, Well from what you have said sweetheart he needs to sort stuff out as well his life doesn't sound great...
You may very well be looking for some major excitement put back into your life as you seem bored with your day to day life as it stands and the arguments are getting you down and your partner as well.
DON'T GO FROM THE FIRE INTO THE FRYING PAN!!!! I'm sending you a link to help you love....
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/improve_relationships.htm
I no you are feeling probably pretty much alone not knowing which way to turn at this moment, Think how would you feel once your relationship has ended? If this is what you want then I would think very clearly without thinking about this other guy, You are going to need time to heal no matter what, You have been with the same guy for along time....Is it worth saving? Have you got the energy to put in to working on it? Do you want it? And what will your life be like if you are single again? Do you love your partner but is there something lacking? So many questions, All I can say is there may be a spark between this guy and you but is it a lustful spark. And at the end of the day hun you have to do what is good and right for you not for anyone else but you. And talking to your partner about how you feel is a start...Maybe couple counselling if you cant stop the arguments to get to the bottom of things...If you need a chat I'm here any time and am willing to help you through this time...YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOTS OF LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2009): Really, I see why you are confused, you are from the sounds of it chasing your tail around.
It sounds to me that your relationship with your boyfriend is troubled and you mention that you and this other guy are running into each other a LOT when you are out socializing. Where is your boyfriend at those times, at home, why?
You don't ask questions about any of the issues that are causing the problems in your relationship, the real questions you are asking are about this other guy and trying to figure him out, it seems obvious that you are looking for some assurance that if you leave your boyfriend, this other guy will then make himself available and fall all over you.
This in my opinion is cowardly. When what you need to decide is whether or not you are committed enough to work on the issues in your current relationship and focus on making that relationship better. Because that is what it takes, love AND commitment. Love is really a decision that we make to BE worthy of love to BE a loving person and PARTNER. Love is ACTION, it is not a feeling....you you have a DECISION to make and it should not be based on falling into another relationship.
If you really don't want to continue with your boyfriend, find the courage to break up with him and remain single. As falling out with someone to fall in with another is not going to work, it is called being on the rebound and the other guy is smart not to get involved with you.
What you need to do is to be smart and make your decision about love, don't wait for the fates to make it for you because they don't exixt. Reality is perception, meaning that you have a cognitive filter that you view the world through and so does every other soul out there, just because you see the situation one way, doesn't mean that it is some sort of sign that this new man is for you or that he feels the same. You really have to ask him to get your answer, and I think he has already given you one, correct?
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