A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I Hit my wife four months ago and can't forgive myself. We were in a heated argument and I lost my temper and slaped her in the face. I would never hurt her she is the best thing that ever happened to me and I love her and can't live without her. She said she forgives me but I can tell by the way she looks at me she has lost some love for me. This hurts me the most. How can I make this up to her? I told her that this would never happen again and please don't leave me that I was sorry and loved her with all my heart. She said she loves me and was not going to leave me but she needs some space. Dose anyone have any advice for me to make it up to her or will our marriage be like this forever? I could not bear this. Thanks for reading
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male
reader, 1 Cor 13:13  +, writes (10 November 2008):
The only way to make this up to your wife. Is to demonstrate change that will take years before she will be able to trust you again. It would be most compassionate to respect her boundaries. And work on healing your own hurts. Hurts = anger. What is really the crux of the matter you have broken her trust and heart. There will be times she throw hurt at you and by the souinds of it has begun. Because she is hurting. Only a person who is hurting will, blame, punish and reject. Regardless of how she feels you need to demostrate the higher form of love. Compassion. While you may not like it you need to understand she is wounded badly. DO NOT react to her wounds, concentrate on own healing your own wounds. If you love her prepare yourself for a long haul.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): Please print out your question and the responses you have been given. Tell your wife that you feel so sick about your behaviour that you have asked strangers to help you so that it never happens again. Yes love dose disappear with violence, and yes it can be rebuilt again. Show her how sorry you are and how much she means to you. Show her in words, with actions, thoughtfull gifts and kindness. She will never forget but of course she can forgive. Show her how you mean to make it up to her, try to make yourself into the perfect, considerate husband and then hopefully all will be well.
You hit her, you broke her heart and trust. This is more damaging than the slap. You need to look at what happened, what made you loose your temper and go so far. If you don't understand why you did this, how can she or anyone else believe that it will not happen again. She's not gonna leave (she says) believe her and start making plans on how to get her to forgive and love and trust you again. Remember, in this case, actions speak louder than words...Only time and good behavior will heal this damage to your marriage..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2008): I hit my wife and know we are seperated, things will never be the same. You are lucky you have another chance. I cry most nights and I will never see my two children again.bad mistake to make.
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A
female
reader, candace +, writes (2 October 2008):
My husband hit me a few weeks ago when he was drinking and I wanted to take him to his Mom's cause of past experiences when he drinks---basically I wanted to drive him to his Mom's-- he wanted to leave himself--- drive in his car--i didn't want that cause he has been lost in the past -- anyway i stood in front of the door to stop him from driving his car and WHAM!! Then I went to the garage door dialing the police and that made him more mad and the fight started (well he fought, I just kept going for the keys in the car)-- i ended up with bruises--he ended up with a domestic assault charge.
When my husband drinks - he is abusive (mostly verbal) but he hadn't drank in over 9 months.
Now, our marriage is a mess. He wants to minimize cause he is "not a wife beater"...and he didn't set out to hit me...true. He would never hurt me. The real him would never hurt me.
What I am saying is... the one thing my husband refuses to look at is his childhood. He was raised in an abusive home. He never dealt with it. He just said he would never be like that--until me..for the most part..he hasn't(just cheated on his other 2 wives). I say he doesn't really understand how to treat a woman because he was never taught. Now, the man loves me... truly..we have love. My fear is that the anger, rage, and alcohol will kill it.If he doesn't deal with his childhood and what he was taught and shown...???? I believe that this man and I were meant to be for sure. We live what we learn despite the fact that most of say, "we will never end up like our parents."
I guess I am saying take a look at how you were raised. Take a look at what you were taught and deal with it through therapy. Life is a learning process. Maybe you have some things to learn. It is ok to make mistakes, but learn from them. Your wife will trust you again. Show her that you are working on yourself. Show her loving hands and invite her to therapy with you AFTER you have gone on your own for a bit. She may also need a little of her own to learn how to communicate what she feels without verbally attacking you (that is not the ideal way to handle things) Not that I am minimizing in any way. My husband had no right to hurt me. I have never done anything to deserve his fits of rage, but I do need to work on a few things of my own that can strengthen our marriage. I don't believe that when a man hits he will always hit---I believe men can cross that line, make that mistake, and themselves, their wives, and family enough to get help. DO NOT minimize what you did.... don't say it will never happen again because without some kind of intervention it will in fact happen...no matter how bad you don't want it to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): Thanks for the advise. My wife and I are going to attend couples therapy.I know it will take some time for things to be back to normal and for her to trust me,but I believe with her support this will happen. I'm thankful that I have such a forgiving and loving wife. She truly is the best.
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A
female
reader, Aeval +, writes (28 May 2008):
 maybe take yourself off to councelling? show your wife that you are totally commited to change so this wont happen again.
Work on gaining her trust back, very hard thing to get back once lost.
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, Isabella1974  +, writes (26 May 2008):
 Hi,
Not an easy thing. Are you sure you wont do it again? How do you know when you lose your temper again that you wont do it again. I know you dont want to, but its possible that this can happen when you have another heated arguement and you will be filled with regret yet again. It happens so many times and it a vicious cycle and can get worse and worse.
I would suggest that you get some help in controlling your anger, (anger therapy) this would show your wife that you are serious and want to make sure it will never happen again. She needs this reasurance.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): My husband hit me once. Then he got away with it and hit me again - not regularly but it did happen in a heated argument. Trouble is a boundary is crossed and I will not make this easy for you... something in me died - like a feeling that has never come back. You will have to accept things will be different now but it does not mean its over. Only time will heal this one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008): Go and get help and show her you won't EVER hit her again.
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