A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I got into a petty arguement which esceladed and then he ended up tossing me around the house. Although I hit him first I still feel its wrong what he did to me. He was abused as a kid and abandoned by his mother. He cried to me and told me he was sorry and he hated himself what he did a few minutes after the violence. He even said that we couldn't be together anymore because he is disgusted with himself for what he did. He said I didn't deserve that. He said I deserved better. He told me he couldn't live with himself if he permanently hurt me so was going to start going to therapy 3 times a week instead of one. He said that he wants to be with me when he gets better but then a few hours later he said he couldn't have me completely out of his life and he's gonna get help but he needs me there with him. I love him so much. We've been through so much. We have lost our virginity to each other. We have gotten through so many things together. We've been together for a long time. I know I'm young but I truly truly love him. So what my question is....what should I do? Should I stick by him and help him get better?
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (1 June 2010):
 To err is human and to forgive is divine.
However, they forget to mention the middle step of the to forgive is divine, because in order to become divine you must be a martyr.
Now, what are you sacrificing yourself for is the question.
Are you sure you want to say that it is ok for a guy to hit you?
IF you do, yes, you hit him first. However, in all honesty, do you REALLY think you actually scared him? Honestly? If you are a normal woman and he is a normal man, not a chance.
I suggest you leave him and learn from your mistake by never hitting your partner.
If you hit him with a baseball bat, he has the right to hit you. If you shoot him, he has the right to hit you. If you are a martial arts expert, he has the right to hit you.
However, these would all mean that you automatically would win the fight.
Point being, he has NO reason to hit you.
Leave him and don't look back.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (1 March 2010):
 Learn from your mistakes. Next time when someone is very agitated, walk away and don't let the tension boil till it explodes into violence.
Learn to deal with your angers.If he is willing to seek help, this relationship is worth saving.
You hit him first and it provoked him .He lost control and went berserk.
Everyone has their tolerance level. Know where they are and you could avoid a repeat of such incidents .He is only human.
It is a storm in a tea cup. It will soon past and calm will soon return in your life.
To err is only human and to forgive is divine.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (1 March 2010):
Besides working on himself, you also need to work on yourself. Yes, it was wrong for him to hit you, but you also have no right to hit him. I'm sure you probably aren't usually an "abusive" person, but if he's been abused in the past then he'll have a tendency to do that because that's what he knows, and it's good that he wants to take care of it. So if he doesn't learn to control himself from physically hitting someone as well as you controlling yourself from getting physical, you two will end up in a very toxic and abusive relationship.
If you think that he can stop in the future and really does seek the treatment he needs, then yes, I think you can stick by him. But I think he feels ashamed for hitting you back and you probably need to give him some space for a bit. But don't forget that you're not completely innocent and need to take proactive steps toward not physically harming someone in the future as well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): When it comes to isolated physical abuse, give them one chance only, and only if you decide to give him that one chance. Don't ever hit him, especially if he was previously abused, because he will react and hit or push back. However, if you give him that one chance only, then make it that if you've never pushed or struck him in anyway, but he strikes, shoves, chokes you, squeezes your arm, or any other forceful gesture, that he goes bye bye for good. Abuse kills people, and abusers will usually apologize and feel and show remorse right afterward, so remember to take that into account, instead of feeling sorry for him. Otherwise you might end up in a hospital, a womens' shelter, or dead. Take it very seriously, and tell him you're not going to take his shit and you'll leave him the next time he lays a hand on you, because a man should never do that to a woman. Even if you started beating the piss out of him, the right thing would be for him to find the fastest way out, and stay away from you until things are cooled down and you can discuss things maturely. If you can't work things out without getting physical, in the future, then it's better not to be together. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): I have to confess, that I hit my first gf. The relationship was unhappy and we were young. (Im not excusing myself, just explaining what happened)It was an unhappy relationship that should have ended at the 2 month mark, but lasted a year and a half. I was scared that no one else would want me and also Id miss out on sex. So I stayed, it got worse and i started shoving her and finally i slaped her hard. I ended it then and there.I have been with several women since and have never hit them and never will. Id end the realtionship if it starts down that road.My answer to you is that if he hit you then he doesnt love you and wants out. You shouldnt have hit him either, dont hit any guy again. You are young, and I know hes your first, but he needs time to get his head straight and so do you. You have to end it now because I promise that once this starts, it doesnt stop
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (1 March 2010):
 That would be up to you. This situation is a little different than many I've talked to people about, in the sense of the level of responsibility he accepted for his part. From what you'd said, I wouldn't recommend against you staying with him, while working these issues out. It wasn't right what he did, and your hitting him first wasn't right either. I hope this helps take care.
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